AIBU to say he's doing the nights from now on?

[Bigbluemoon]

We have a 2 year old who is a pretty notoriously bad sleeper. Just turned two and goes through some periods of really decent sleep but any slight change in health or development and shes awake hourly or even more than that. I do 99% of the nights, during periods of intensely bad sleep I will ask my husband to do one night per week and I will sleep on the couch as I wake at the slightest noise now and I can't rest if im upstairs - i can usually hear her downstairs tbh.

When shes really bad, I prefer to sleep upstairs alone. Husband is a bad sleeper and has depression, so knowing that the baby has woken him makes my nights harder and I jump up at any slight noise she makes so she doesn't wake him too - this means she can't do any self settling and it means im hyper aware of 2 people's sleep needs rather than one. Sometimes if he wakes up, he's then up for more than an hour on his phone trying to get back to sleep, which keeps me up.

Tonight shes been up hourly and at 4.30 I kind of cried out quietly 'for God's saaaaake' before going into her. When I came back he said go downstairs and offered to take over. I snapped at him to shut up out of frustration because he's snored next to me all night and he's offering to taje over when im up at 5.30 which is useless - good intentions but I was just annoyed.

Hes now calling me verbally abusive. I'm not saying snapping at him is okay but I expect a bit of fucking grace when im exhausted.

WIBU to say he can do the next week or even month of wakes? He did last night and she only woke twice for him and the last time he did a night was at the beginning of August, and even that was only half a night after I cracked and asked for help.

Alternative weeks, your exhausted its going to take at least a few days or a week for you to feel normal. Only fair since youve been basically doing it 2 years straight. Depression or not, parenting comes first and it doesnt give him a get out jail card its selfish on his behalf.

This.
You or DH should sleep with your toddler when she’s going through these phases. Why go in and out the room when you could be cuddled up with her all night?

Sounds like you've made the situation OP by going in to her at the slightest noise

Let him deal with it for a while, but keep out of it completely.

What help is he getting for depression? Is he on medication for it?

I jump up at any slight noise she makes so she doesn't wake him too - this means she can't do any self settling

It honestly sounds as if you re perpetuating the problem. Try leaving her to it a few times.

Who does nights is irrelevant, you need to sort out a better situation with your sleep. Me personally, I’d put a mattress on the floor in your dd’s room and start co-sleeping. She will almost certainly sleep better and whoever is settling her will fall back to sleep faster. Or she sleeps in with you and one of you sleeps in a single in her room. And for the foreseeable future, you just sleep separately so you don’t wake each other with snoring or other movements during the night. You can take it in turns, but what you’re doing now isn’t working.

We did this for years (Dh slept on a mattress on the floor of our room while dc slept with me). I had 5:30am starts for a good bit of that. It worked. We all got the sleep we needed.

Thank you so much for responses.

As outlined - we have tried co sleeping. Doesn't work. I actually dont need advice on her sleep - shes doing fine and can self settle well, but when he sleeps in our bed I dont have the capacity to let her self settle as much because she will wake him and then he's up for an hour, and im up for an hour. If she wakes properly and its just me, I'll let her work it out and usually she will - when she doesn't, a quick stroke of her head sends her back to sleep. Her sleep is only horrific when shes unwell or teething or going through a leap, but I think shes particularly sensitive as these periods can last weeks. Not prepared to do sleep training, but thank you.

My AIBU is that I feel angry that he doesnt see what im doing to help him.and is calling me VA for snapping

Thank you x

It’s so hard being exhausted, we have a sleep-hating toddler and 7 months pregnant so I get it, but I do think snapping when he’s offered to help is unfair.

It sounds like you’re not happy with the set up in general and you’re resentful, so you need to communicate that today, properly, not in the middle of the night both half asleep. Figure out a new way forward to avoid a repeat.

Why don’t you think he sees what you are doing to help him? That is a separate issue to the snapping - you can’t say he can’t call you out on something because you are helping him, that’s not right. However he is over reacting. Your AIBU was should you make him do all nights now, is that something you plan to do?

Okay I would agree if he had offered at midnight but he offered an hour before I have to get up. Is that really helpful?
@tokittyornottokitty I think I have reached the point where I need him to see what im dealing with and will ask him to do a full week

I think it’s totally fair to make him do that. Had you asked him to get up earlier and he had said no?

An hour of sleep is better than nothing- but again, you’re not happy and have different expectations which is absolutely fine so communicate that clearly today and come up with a new plan.

I agree.

I also don’t understand how there are 2 of you and you’re sleep deprived.

Why is one person not going to bed really early, whilst the other person does the first shift and then that person can sleep in longer whilst the other person does the second shift and gets up early.

Or take in turns each night.

No i didnt ask him.

This isnt about splitting nights at this point. We both work flexibly which means working late after the baby is in bed, so that doesnt work for us.

Also I wouldn't have gotten an hour of sleep - by the time I went downstairs and settled myself on th3 couch youre talking 30.mins which makes me feel worse.

This isnt about splitting nights at this point. We both work flexibly which means working late after the baby is in bed, so that doesnt work for us.

How does this work?
Surely if you both work flexibly then that’s way easier having a rigid working day. Like one of you can start early whilst the other one has a lie in and the other one can start later and the other person has an early night.

Stop being a martyr OP!
Just alternate nights with him (and sleep downstairs when he is in charge so you won’t wake up). Agree that you each can have a lie in at the weekend - agree on a time, same for both of you.

But he won’t be dealing with what you deal with will he. Because the main issue here is that you rush in so he doesn’t wake up and jump up at the slightest noise which probably isn’t helping your DD either.

yiu don’t want to wake him because they keeps both of you awake so how will this solve it?

Never mind whether his phone is keeping HIM awake - it’s keeping YOU awake! What a selfish tosser - has he turned the sound off and the light right down or is he watching videos with the sound on? If he lies awake for an hour so be it. He is NOT to wake you up during this time.