to take ds1’s phone off him until he takes school serious?

[OneGreatSheep]

so ds1 (just turned 16 last week) is in yr11 now and already messing about. hes been caught vaping AGAIN today outside school and his teacher rang me saying hes late to lessons and not handing homework in.

he says he “doesnt care about gcses cos hes gonna be a tiktok creator” 🙄 i told him its not a proper job but he just laughs. he spends all night on his phone and then cant get up for school in the morning.

dh says to just leave him to it and he will “learn the hard way” but i feel like if i dont step in now hes gonna ruin his chances. i said im gonna take his phone until he can prove hes serious about school but hes kicked off saying im ruining his life.

AIBU? hes my eldest and i prob sound harsh but im at my wits end with the other boys as well and i cant have him being a bad example to them.

Are you a kid?! Of course she needs to limit his phone usage.

You can put parental controls on OP, so suggest you do this to ensure he at least gets his sleep. Maybe no phone until HW is done?

Learning the hard way = going to a further education college to resit Maths and English GCSEs until he passes. I have a family member with this attitude to GCSEs and he was shocked that the government wouldn’t fund him to go to college in his 20s. Stop feeling guilty, when he’s 18 he can create his TikTok career. Until then he’s a child of compulsory school age and the phone is given back when he’s finished all his homework. I’ve known parents keep phones under their own mattress after bedtime.

Yes remove the phone. Let him kick off. It’s for his own good.

Lock his phone down. He shouldn’t have it in his room overnight. Block TikTok or limit how long it’s available.

Is this his first phone?

Your husband seems pretty useless!

I’d start by taking it away for bedtime. Our broadband set up lets us turn off internet access to specific devices - maybe see if you can do something like that on a schedule.

You need to set some limits. Bring phone down to charge at 10pm latest. No phone until homework is done. If he’s dead in the morning as he’s been up half the night on his phone then of course he’s not going to do well in school. People make a lot of money from social media, so I wouldn’t say it’s not a proper job as it is. But you need a lot of followers for that. Unlikely he’s going to get rich from that. Your DH sounds like he’s not taking it very seriously.

I feel for you OP - teens are tricky, GCSEs are stressful, phones/social media are the devil!

If you can work with him to manage phone use and set boundaries generally for a healthy lifestyle that will help.

I would also try and work with his dream (hard as it is sometimes!!) it doesn’t have to be either or - he can do both. Only 5-10% of digital creators are successful and they probably have some qualifications- business, finance, marketing, some social/psychological understanding of audiences and markets. And they may have financial backing. Stay curious, ask questions about what interesrs him. If you can engage other family members who may have a good influence or friends.

I also wonder if the attraction of alternative pathways might be due to fear of failure in the mainstream - reject it before it rejects you. Try and understand if there are fears underlying his views/behaviour - it might be a mix of fear, lack mix motivation and disillusionment with education if you don’t think uni is for you or know what you want to do (not many do at 16 and even if they do it prob changes!) a pathway of less comparison with peers can be attractive. Try to connect and help him see that effort is to be celebrated and an education helps open doors. We talk a lot about keeping doors open not closing them.

It’s tough stay strong - and you might have to watch him learn the hard way. You can lead a horse to water and all that… .. Good luck!

There’s a middle way.

WiFi off at 9. Phone charging overnight in your bedroom.

they don’t regulate well, and year 11 is important.

you can buy lock boxes for phones - scouts and cadets and similar organisations use them.

Do you pay the bill? If so, take it off him permanently. Parents do their kids no favours tolerating mobile phone addictions.

Or if you really want to give him a consequence hide his charger he'll soon behave when he sees his battery going down and needing to charge it 🤣🤣

On a serious note though he's 16 old enough to realise that if he pisses about in school he'll get crap grades. All you can do is encourage him to put in the work and effort. He's old enough to be responsible for his own studies

Just read your other post where you had to take your younger kids out to get nappies because your 16 year old is on TikTok and vaping, your 13 year old is roaring on the Xbox, your dh is working ‘long hours, and you’re annoyed your mil won’t come and help you.

You know nothing is going to change- your teens will do nothing except game and spend your money on vapes and probably weed unless you and your husband start doing something!!

Teacher here. It's already too late. Y11 is last bit of teaching, lots of revision and loads of mocks. If he didn't learn it in Y10, he can't revise it in Y11.

Yeah, it's not a great picture, is it?
OP, you sound as if you need some help and support. Set up a meeting with a pastoral leader at school. If necessary, ask for external agency help.
The vaping alone is very problematic.

Yes, you're right. For damage limitation, her and her DH need to have a meeting at school.

Everyone always says to switch the Internet off at 9. Do these people not know about data packages on phones?

We have teens. Family controls on phones, restricted hours. no wifi on their devices after 9 on school nights. No phones upstairs.

Lowest data plan going. Lowest cost of phone. It's not a right!

Re school, say sounds great but you must get good gcses and have choices. Monitor homework etc- you can see from the school app. Tell the teachers to be tougher with him, in the real world, no one let's you off not delivering endless times.

But- after school sports, clubs, cadets, keep him busy. Not hanging round bored.

Yes, also these kind of children are quite canny about parental controls etc. - he's not 10!

It's fairly easy to make money from tiktok but, it's not something you can just do in your spare time of you do want to make money.
It takes time and effort, you need to take time on decent editing, getting in touch with companies for collaborations etc.

You can do it and concentrate on GCSEs, but he would need your cooperation and help.

He also doesn't need to be tiktoking at midnight or whatever to get on

There's no damage limitation now! The damage is irrepairable now! It's literally revision from now until Easter no more time for learning!

Exactly this!

He's 16 he's old enough to ride a motorscooter or motorbike! He's about 2 weeks younger than my son who is now getting himself to college 2 cities away by train leaving the house at 6 in the morning and getting back at 6 in the evening! He's not a child.

There’s more to it than this. He sounds a fairly typical teen but also a bit lost and maybe low in self esteem. Maybe have some quality time together where you can really talk about what’s going on in his life and is he happy.

At least take it overnight

Take it and let him kick off all he likes. You're not ruining his life, but you'll ruin your own if you end up with a twentysomething with no qualifications and no work history still sponging off you while he chases his "dreams". Make it crystal clear that education (and actually making an effort with it) is mandatory until he's 18, and once he's done with education, he doesn't get to stay under your roof without being in full-time paid work. Tiktok videos are something to do in his spare time and he only gets to quit his real job AFTER they start making enough to live on, if he's in the small minority of people who get there.

I agree with restrictions whichever you choose, and hope it has some impact. As the eldest also, it may also show your younger child/children what you see as unacceptable and perhaps a small chance they will not follow suit.