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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Work colleague judgement

20 replies

Katpet2006 · 08/09/2025 16:40

My dad's poorly in hospital for the second time, he's got heart failure and he lives a few hundred miles from me, first time we decided as a family to go and see him because we genuinely thought it might be the last time, I can honestly say I walked off that ward thinking he was gonna die and we'd done the right thing, anyway they managed to put 4 stents in his heart he felt better Dr's were happy thank the lord he was discharged with new meds, fast forward 3 weeks he's been rushed back in with chest pains and extremely low blood pressure, the nurses were shocked he was still standing! The consultant took him to theatre to unblock another 2 arteries with a calcium build up but the main artery to the heart is still blocked! They couldn't unblock it in theatre because I don't know if it's too much pressure on his heart to keep going at that time or if they just couldn't unblock it for whatever reason! So they've given him some new meds and said they'll operate probably in a couple of weeks, he also has severe copd and his breathing isn't great his blood pressure has dropped again and I think the next operation will be open heart surgery because he's had a number of heart attacks in the past few weeks im flabbergasted he's still here tbh he's obviously got someone looking down on him! Anyway so my work colleague was like im not being rude but you can't afford or justify time off for the operation! Firstly afford as in my financial situation nothing to do with her ive had time off for my father in law being taken ill and then obviously my own father where I took day's and my director approved it! Surely it's up to me when I can justify time off for my seriously ill dad who i don't live near?! I get on with this girl and I don't think it was malicious it's just bugged me shes closer to her dad than I actually am with mine so I thought she might understand. I think I just needed to rant cos at the end of the day someone's heart isn't something to be messed with or something to just take with a pinch of salt there's no guarantees he's gonna walk out of that hospital and I don't know what to do for the best do I go and see him fearing it could be the last time and let work down again or do i just sit by the phone and wait for news!!! Urgh it's so hard to know what to do for the best!!!

OP posts:

nomas · 08/09/2025 16:44

Sorry about your dad, hope he gets better. Would you be getting paid or unpaid time off work?

Spacecowboys · 08/09/2025 16:49

I'd take the time off work however I could eg putting in some annual leave , unpaid leave, or if work are accommodating - paid time off.
How you take the time is between you and your manager. Your colleague should say nothing if she can't be sympathetic to your situation.

SpiritVaults72 · 08/09/2025 16:51

My dad took ill and died last year within a day. I told my work "bestie" I was leaving, (WFH) logged off and left. I wouldn't have demeaned myself by asking for permission.And when I returned to work, hardly anyone acknowledged it and the business didn't even send me a condolence card. Don't give two hoots about what anyone at work thinks,OP.

AgnesX · 08/09/2025 16:54

If you're wanting to justify taking time off in terms of special paid leave you need to articulate the reasons why to your manager and HR.

If you're taking your own leave take it, it's nothing to do with anyone else.

OneCalmFish · 08/09/2025 16:56

Ignore her opinion do what you feel is right for you, can you really sit and wait for a phone call?

Original poster

Katpet2006 · 08/09/2025 16:58

So im happy to take time off unpaid im not interested in the money obviously don't wanna let my team down but he's having heart attack after heart attack i just fear it's going to build up to a massive one that will kill him or he might die on the table, I mean no one knows the outcome do they I just feel I could have one last chance to see him alive do I take it and sod anyone else or do I just play it by ear and hope for the best

OP posts:

Anewuser · 08/09/2025 17:01

Just remember, you’ll never get this time again.

A long time ago, I was in a similar position to you. My husband told me to pack a bag and go stay with family so I could be by his bedside. It took my old dad ten days to go, but I shall always be grateful to my husband that I was there holding my dad’s hand to the end.

You can be signed off sick by your GP if need be, for stress, because let’s be honest, it’s a stressful time.

Ignore your colleague.

Original poster

Katpet2006 · 08/09/2025 17:13

Its super stressful i mean I only get half an hour break and ive spent 15 minutes of it on the phone trying to figure out what to do! He could live to see another few years but he couldn't i just don't know what the right thing to do is there's no guarantees with anything, I'd feel like a bit of a fraud if I went up to see him and he ended up absolutely fine but again how do I know if this will happen! Why is there never a simple solution to anything!!! 🥺😢

OP posts:

Clarinet1 · 08/09/2025 17:15

I think it’s none of your colleague’s business whether you take time off - you must do what feels right for you and square it with management in whatever way they will agree.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Hatty65 · 08/09/2025 17:19

"I'm not being rude, Sarah - but it's basically fuck all to do with you. Thanks for making a shitty time even more stressful."

Then blank her and get on with your work.

Jellycatspyjamas · 08/09/2025 17:26

You make the decision you can live with, it’s none of your colleagues business. If she’s concerned about workload she takes it up with her manager, not you.

dogcatkitten · 08/09/2025 17:31

If you don't go and the worse happens you could regret it for a long time. And how much will you be able to concentrate on work anyway knowing what is happening. Don't give your stupid colleague any more head room it's your Dad and he's more important than any job, if she doesn't think so that's hard luck on her.

ScaryM0nster · 08/09/2025 17:41

I wonder if in a strange way she’s trying to be supportive by pointing out some of the practicalities.

If your dad’s health is at this point then what previously felt like a one off might actually become relatively regular. For many, any time off will either need to come out of annual leave allowances, or unpaid leave.

That comes at a personal cost that many aren’t in a position to absorb. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and not think about the financial implications.

She may have been in a similar position, or had friends or colleagues who have been and have found themselves in a hole financially and is trying to help you avoid a repeat.

Even if not, that may be a way to consider things.

It does sound like you need to be planning ways to manage a balance. Which might be setting aside a lot of annual leave. It might be talking to your employer about toil options to cover the operation. It might be running the numbers on your home budget for unpaid leave.

it sucks, but it’s a real topic that needs to be acknowledged.

dollyboots · 08/09/2025 17:45

People who start sentences with, ‘I’m not being…’ are usually being just that and can be ignored or told to bore off.

godmum56 · 08/09/2025 17:52

First of all your work colleague can just shut the fuck up.
I really do feel for you because I have been where you are now. For me, and I know this sounds hard, is how many times can you rush off and it not be the end? My mum had several urgent admissions close together towards the end of her life and it wasn't possible for me to go to her every time but one of my sibs did. is someone from the family geographically closer and can go and be with him if its needed?
I have immense sympathy for your situation but I am afraid I have no answer. Unless you can go and be with him right until he either leaves hospital or he doesn't, then there is always the risk that you will leave and then he will die.....or even if he comes home, there is no guarantee that you will be there. Its a terrible dilemma.

godmum56 · 08/09/2025 17:53

ScaryM0nster · 08/09/2025 17:41

I wonder if in a strange way she’s trying to be supportive by pointing out some of the practicalities.

That comes at a personal cost that many aren’t in a position to absorb. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and not think about the financial implications.

She may have been in a similar position, or had friends or colleagues who have been and have found themselves in a hole financially and is trying to help you avoid a repeat.

Even if not, that may be a way to consider things.

it sucks, but it’s a real topic that needs to be acknowledged.

yes this. all of this.

Hammy19 · 08/09/2025 18:01

If you do go to see him and everything turned out ok, then what would you regret about that situation?

If you DON'T go to see him and the outcome isn't good, what would you regret about that scenario?

I think that's a good place to start looking at what you would prefer to do

And your co-worker is exceptionally rude and unkind!

crimsonlake · 08/09/2025 18:15

I had this with my father who is now dead. Admitted to hospital a few times with the outlook bleak, rallied in all but the last occasion. Luckily at the time I was between jobs, but it was very stressful attending hospital so many times thinking this would be the end.
My elderly mum is now in hospital having had a stroke some hout away, she has dementia also. I have not taken time off and can only visit weekends due to the distance. It is not easy to work with all this at the back of my mind.
Whatever decision you make will be the right one.

DoYouReally · 08/09/2025 19:33

It's absolutely none of her business.

If your manager approves you leave of any kind, that's up to them.

You do what you need to do. It's nothing to do with her and she's rude to even comment.

boberto88 · 08/09/2025 19:37

Absolutely fuck all to do with your colleague. She’s upright and judgy- fuck her.

sorry to hear about your dad ❤️

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