Overcoming class “anxiety”

[Takemebacktospain]

Linked to the post I created a few days ago, I have met new school parents at DC’s school and one of them seemed very nice and keen to meet up also outside/home because our DC seem to get along really well.
I have been to their home this weekend and it’s a beautiful 4 bed house (we live just outside London so very expensive and the area is also very wealthy) worth well over 1 mil. Her and her DH have high paid professional jobs whereas we live in a (very cute) 2 bed garden flat in a less nice road in the same area. I am middle management and DH works as a retail manager for a big food company. I can’t shake this social/class related anxiety off me and I hate myself for that. I know it’s going to bother me massively every time she’ll ask for a playdate and I will have to invite them to ours. I believe I feel this way as I am projecting similar feelings from my childhood but I just cannot help it. AIBU and has anyone been theough this/how do I get out of feeling this way?

I don't know if it helps but I grew up in massive house (one friend called it a castle!) and I never thought any differently about friends in different sizes houses. I loved going to their houses. One had mum who made the most delicious biscuits, one had a (in my eyes) very glamorous older sister (she was two years older than us ), another had a dad who taught us how to play a golf game on his computer!

It is your insecurities, children are just glad to get invited to a friend's house to play

@Morningswim I guess I am also mainly worried about the parents and that they might think less of us (although I know that of they did, we wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that)

I do understand how you fell, OP, but the only way to look at it is (as a pp said): if they're bothered by the size of your home they're not going to be a good prospect for long-term friendship. If your children's friends aren't bothered then there's no problem.

Similarly live in south London and the kids friendship groups are massively variably and no one judges. Certainly I know people in bigger houses that have less disposable income and need to live relitively frugally. Vs people who have prioritised living more extravagantly day by day but living in a smaller flat.

I love the variety and think its great for the kids.

I think this will resolve itself naturally for a lot of reasons. So don't worry about your house size relative to hers or any other social class stuff. Remember: we all put our trousers on one leg at a time. Also, they may not have grown up in giant, expensive houses themselves and they may be skint due to a huge mortgage. From working at independent schools, I can tell you that that level of wealth can be due to sudden success in a business and that the parents are actually from modest backgrounds.

Either the new friend's mum will be a raging snob or she won't. If she's a snob, after one playdate, she'll find excuses and there won't be any more playdates.

Also, it may be that the girls go home together after school and one of you just picks up from the other's house.

Or after the girls have played together a few times, they may both move on socially. It's early days in the school year and they may be all trying each other out. Often my DDs' friends the first month of school were different as the year continued and the girls in the class all got to know each other.

Most people are decent. And if anyone does think differently because you live in a smaller house then I would be glad if that sort if person avoided me. Who needs friends like that.

Exactly! Anyone like that doesn't deserve your friendship (and people like that are usually very insecure or stupid)

If she’s nice, she may be feeling embarrassed that her house is bigger and is hoping you won’t judge her/think she’s a snob/not want to be friends because of it. If some of it’s from inherited wealth she may also be well aware of the unfairness of that and be hoping you won’t judge her because of it.

I understand why you feel the way you do, I’ve felt it with friends whose houses are bigger, but try not to project attitudes onto her that she may not have. Realistically some people will always have more than you and some less, it’s a shame to lose friendship with nice people because of it. I’m middle middle class, and I tend to feel quite cringey and anxious when visited by friends who are less well off, because I know it can create resentment (and frankly some of them have been quite rude to me because of it, so judgment can go both ways). Try not to let it get in the way of what could be a good friendship.

Why should she feel embarrassed that her house is bigger any more than someone should feel embarrassed their house is smaller?

I don't think either is a cause for embarrassment

I didn’t say anyone should feel embarrassed. The OP has reflected on the reality that people sometimes do feel embarrassed by wealth disparity in friendship, and I was responding to that.

Honestly just about everyone has a posher home than me. It just doesn’t matter, does it.
I think vexing about the endless possibilities of what may or may not be in other peoples heads is a path best left untrodden.