Documenting with high conflict coparent

[BookArt55]

So we have been to court already, ex wasn't happy with the outcome. Court order states some damaging things about his parenting. He has told me repeatedly since that he wants at least 50/50, if I won't agree he will take me back court.

Our relationship is high conflict, every communication is an issue, if one says the sky is blue the other says red. I do my best to respond using the BIFF, grey rock advice, and only say what I think is best for the kids (not purposefully disagreeing with him). However I am constantly told I am harrassing him, he is calling the police or social services on me. The emotional abuse towards me is documented in the court order. Both of our children have medical issues and are still very young, so communication is probably more than older kids/kids the same age with no medical issues.

So this leads me on to documenting. Every week there is an issue, but how do people document this stuff? I'm struggling to keep up so need something as quick and easy as possible. I've followed FamilyCourt corner on instagram and the tracker looks like it could be good, but it is America not, is there a UK equivalent?

Or do I do a word document? What should I include- kids feelings and thoughts, factually what happened, common themes, how it affects the kids, what else?

I need help! This weekend alone there are 3 different issues that I should document, with evidence such as messages from the parenting app we use. Any help would be appreciated.

This is the American evidence log:
www.familycourtcorner.com/?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAae9e2p98tPd-R-cGm0t0Q3S0s2tFSddTwPsio4nbEBvaLJTJg72CKenjlccsw_aem_LCTGwGNhU0rx-mnlhhWZQg

Use only a single channel of communication such as a co-parenting app (talking parents is the one I use, but there are others too). Every communication is recorded, cannot be deleted, and can be produced as evidence in court.

And, yes, absolutely BIFF is the way to go. Do not respond to any of the rants/accusations/allegations however outrageous or damaging. Just focus on logistics and the decisions that need to be made. Less is more in communicating with high-conflict co-parents. I know it is hard but it is well worth training yourself to do this, it will be hugely empowering, and it does really take the oxygen out of the conflagration (which they thrive on!).

@Itsanewlife thank you for this. We use Our Family Wizard which is a god send and I've had to be very firm that I will communicate in no other way. Great advice, thanks.

I just know we will end up back in court, his behaviours haven't changed and they follow the same patterns as before. I just don't know how to document that effectively so that when we return to court the evidence is clear... and all ready to go.

Keep a diary. Every time to says something and does something else, or does not pay, or makes excuses, or creates unnecessary drama in school/elsewhere etc. It is tedious to do but necessary. And, make sure you have 'clean hands' - do not be tempted to deviate from agreement because he does. And, do not engage in any of the behavior (however provoked you are) he exhibits. You need to be robotic in your dealing with him. I got through to the other end of the court process by gritting my teeth and doing exactly this.

Just to add - it doesn't matter if he doesn't like the agreement he got from the Court, and is kicking off about it. You stick to the agreement, and hold him to it. Don't let him blackmail you with legal threats into agreeing to 50/50. He wants this so he can claim victory, not (I'm guessing) because he wants to parent 50/50.

@Itsanewlife thank you! I do everything i can to not to give him any ammunition against me. Thank you for this. Diary sounds like a good plan! I think I've been so concerned about how to keep the evidence in an organised manner, grouped into key concerns but I suppose I could do that when he takes me back to court... so hard! So time consuming and I'm bored of his antics now.

He doesn't actually want 50/50, he doesn't want to pay CMS. At least one message a week is about how I have sooooo much money I don't even know how to spend it all 😆 and that I am making him homeless.

Classic! I still get that nonsense. And, he is in a high earning profession - even my DS can now tell, given our respective lifestyles, that his dad has "fifteen times" as much as me! In my experience it gets better as 1) he internalizes your boundaries, and learns there is no joy to be had from provoking you 2) kids get older 3) you realize you have to parallel parent and not co-parent and 4) you decide not to give a shit about his rants. Good luck!

@Itsanewlife parallel parenting is definitely the way to go! It getting better sounds good to me! My ex is the high earning professional too 😄 🤣 thanks for you guidance.