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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tired from having to double up chores

12 replies

amumma · 07/09/2025 18:42

We have a 5 month old and have just come back from a weekend away. Am still solely breastfeeding so also dealing with the hormones that go with that. After coming home in a good mood, we needed to give our LO a bath which my DH and I do together when he's home. I prepped the bath and asked my DH to grab a towel. When I went to clean up, I noticed he had pulled the towel and left the pile of folded towels unfolded and falling off the shelf (a regular occurrence) and also strewn dirty socks on the floor before we left. I then got grumpy because after coming home happy, was reminded I will be doing an extra chunk of cleaning on top of most of the daily chores because of careless acts like these. My DH then asked why I was so annoyed and said that his messiness (always leaving clothes on the floor, wrappers and rubbish in surfaces, the towel thing etc) are like how I have ADHD and often leave the house a little late. I think this is an unfair comparison. In frustration I said he is like this because he has been spoiled growing up (he is an only child and his parents never let him help in the house e.g. to this day he has never done the dishes in their home). I don't mind doing the cleaning and tidying in our house but I do mind the extra work I have to do when he carelessly undoes my efforts or undermines them by leaving clothes and rubbish around and knocking over folded piles of clothes AIBU to get wound up by this? He says I don't have to do it all by myself, but that's not the issue and I don't, he helps with various bits (dishes in the evening, taking out bins), I just want him to be a bit more thoughtful and not undo things I have spent time doing, all while looking after our baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
amumma · 07/09/2025 18:43

My hormones may also be affecting my reaction but I think that's all the more reason for him to be a bit more considerate right now

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 07/09/2025 18:46

It seems a very common issue that couples think their household tasks are relatively evenly shared until they have a baby and then… boom!

To make it worse, I think the dads often think they’re b forward-looking, modern and doing everything equally - while the mum feels completely smothered by 24/7 caring for those around her with not time for herself.

I’d almost go as far to say as it seems to be a universal experience, the dads just can’t see it.

So - you need to show them. Yes they’ll accuse you of nagging. You just need to chip away at it.

I don’t know what the solution to the ‘mental load’ issue of the mum becoming the household manager and the dad thinking he’s doing his bit by completing a few set tasks he’s instructed to do.

CreteBound · 07/09/2025 18:49

Eh? You’re accepting so little! He should be doing exactly half of all household chores. He’s a lazy selfish man.

Original poster
amumma · 07/09/2025 18:55

He is working full time so I feel I should do more of the housework. Unfortunately I also end up feeling like I need to do a lot of things instead of him because he is naturally very messy

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Original poster
amumma · 07/09/2025 19:00

I suppose it's less about the split of work, he does other things like manage our appointments etc. it's more that I feel he undoes the tidying I take time to do with little regard for the fact I will have to do it again and energy that goes into it.

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Onthebusses · 07/09/2025 20:06

He won't change now because he will feel you have fewer options to leave as you now have a baby. You can either do cleaning stand offs, suck it up, or leave.

CreteBound · 08/09/2025 07:09

Make sure you go back to work after mat leave and he takes on his full half then

Eenameenadeeka · 08/09/2025 10:16

I think that while you're at home with baby you do more of the housework and that's fine, but not cleaning up his unnecessary messes. he needs to fix them, even if you come across them- tell him to come and fix it "You spilt all the towels on the floor can you fix the pile please?" You shouldn't have to remind him, but he's just thoughtlessly doing it and because you just tidy it there's no consequences. Make it his problem to fix and hopefully he will stop (or at least he might realize he's done it and fix it without walking off!)

alwaysthesamechild · 08/09/2025 13:59

Don’t let him think this has got anything to do with Your hormones

It hasn’t - he’s being a wanker

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/09/2025 14:05

Eenameenadeeka · 08/09/2025 10:16

I think that while you're at home with baby you do more of the housework and that's fine, but not cleaning up his unnecessary messes. he needs to fix them, even if you come across them- tell him to come and fix it "You spilt all the towels on the floor can you fix the pile please?" You shouldn't have to remind him, but he's just thoughtlessly doing it and because you just tidy it there's no consequences. Make it his problem to fix and hopefully he will stop (or at least he might realize he's done it and fix it without walking off!)

Yes! Even with an older child I’d expect them to pick up their own unnecessary mess!

Original poster
amumma · 08/09/2025 14:13

Appreciate the responses. I'm going to stop picking up the thoughtless messes as much as possible (apart from those in grabbing distance of our LO!). It's so tricky because he is otherwise such a sweet person and lovely dad. It's just that this behaviour from him impacts my ability to remain as happy and calm as I would like to be.

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