Should I apply for child maintenance, or a different course of action?

[Iwishihaddonethingsdifferently]

NC for this.
I can’t change the past, so please don’t waste time berating me about it- I’ve done all that already.

My daughter is 15. I left her dad when she was 2 because he was emotionally abusive and I also believe he was having an affair with someone else; at the very least they were emotionally involved.

Because he was controlling and abusive, I was frightened to upset him; it took a lot of strength and courage to tell him that I was going to apply to get the child benefit and that rather than have her 3 nights over every weekend, when she started school I needed to see her for either EOW or one night every weekend, otherwise I would only see her during the working week. Before then, he’d had her Thursday to Sunday so that I could work a bit. He was very cross (“so I’m losing money and seeing her less?”) but I managed to grey rock and I told him while we were both at my parents’ house so I was safe and he couldn’t express himself as he might have done.

He’d never wanted to be the main default parent and he never has, so since she was about 4 he has had her 2 nights a week and we split the holidays on an ad hoc but roughly equal basis.

At primary school he paid for some childcare and a few bits and pieces here and there like shoes, or would go halves. He used to take us both out for coffee or occasionally meals. That felt ok and our daughter enjoyed it.

Since secondary school he has paid for less- just her bus- but I have bought her school shoes and most of her lunches and the bigger part of her trips.
I haven’t earned much in the last few years because I have been starting a business. I have been part time since my daughter was born and my pension is going to be almost non existent. My OH pays the bulk of our living expenses at the moment.
Her dad is employed full time in the public sector and has been since we split up, so is on a reasonable salary and has a good pension scheme.

He got married last year and since then our contact has dropped off a cliff, he doesn’t want to talk to me and he goes through our daughter about arrangements. Even at parents evening he wouldn’t look at me or have a proper conversation. I think his new wife (who is his AP from all those years ago) has said he’s not to. He has also told our daughter that he can’t do things or give things to her without also treating his step children exactly the same. Their father is a high earner and their mother also works full time (and certainly isn’t funding anything for my daughter).

Our daughter is bright and a university candidate. She would be the first on his side to go to uni. I have asked him to contribute into a joint savings account for us to share the cost and start saving now for those years, and he has refused saying he can’t afford it. She has had a number of opportunities through school which he has not put his hand in his pocket for at all and which I have paid for through an inheritance. Now she has another opportunity and he is saying it’s too much and he can’t afford to even contribute. This is a great chance to learn to drive, so when she is 17 we would save money on lessons for her, and she will be a safer driver. The annual cost is in the low hundreds, plus the fuel use on the practice days. I think it’s worth it.

My question is WIBU to at this stage go to the CMA so that I can save up for her university education or young adulthood? I didn’t before because I felt it would destroy our reasonable coparenting relationship, and also I am proud that I have done all this by myself; but nowadays with his withdrawal from that relationship, I don’t see it as such a big potential loss and the negatives for my daughter seem to be more around missing out on opportunities than her father not cooperating in order to punish me. I’d arrange a conversation with him first and say what I am thinking.

Advice on how to navigate this would be welcome.

No, our relationship was never good, but we used to text or talk on the phone about our son.

It was actually my husband (DS's stepdad) who encouraged me to apply for CMS, as I was afraid of my ex's reaction. I was right, he did react badly, but I'm glad I did it, and it has all calmed down now.

I would advise you to do it ASAP, he has got away with it most of her life. I personally regret not doing it sooner.

Will the money you get out of the CMS process be worth it, once you factor in the stress this is likely to put you under? You've said he's controlling etc. and that's been a common theme throughout DD life. I appreciate that the money towards Uni is probably needed, but have you got visibility of what the amount would be? And is that amount higher or lower than the price you put on your inner peace.
Don't get me wrong, go for every penny you can if you really want or need to. Zero judgement. But thinking about the process, the stress and potentially the power this might give to him - for you personally, is it still worth this route? (The answer might be yes, and that's ok).

Just do it. He will be angry. He will be nasty. You need to grey rock. At the end of the day he has got away with avoiding his financial responsibilities for ongoing enough. CM is his legal obligation. She us his child ad well.

No it's you finally sticking up for your DD to get her the money she deserves

Don't get too hung up on the Uni thing.

I live in a hugely impoverished area and most kids get their loans and get a job to see them through.

Sure, it's nice to be able to give them something but not worth getting really stressed about.

If he earns £40K how much would I get if he has her 2 nights a week?

Just to add to the Uni thing...

If it's really worrying you, can you not get a full time job so your OH isn't paying the bulk of yours and your daughter's living expenses, and so you can give her more money for it?

I'm not saying for a second that your ex shouldn't be paying for his daughter btw, but as a PP said, he won't have to pay anything towards University if he doesn't want to.

Well if he works in a school then doesn't sound like he is going to do anything "dangerous" 🤔 most people just claim child maintenance through the cms

You can use the online calculator as it also depends on how many other children are living in his home.
I would expect around £300 per month as a ball park figure.
You need to do this NOW and put the money away for uni. Once she’s out of full time further education at 18 (or 19) he won’t have to pay anything. Bu the sounds of it he won’t.
so you have 3 years to get some savings together for her.
If you start now she’ll have £10k.
They will date it back to the date you apply. Whether he actually pays is another thing but it does have consequences if he doesn’t.

Something he could do is try to persuade her to spend more time with him to cut down maintenance due. So you should assess how likely that is.

Also if holidays are split equally that should be taken into account.

Do it.

but you also need to sort your finances out and make sure you have a secure income to support your dd in the short term and yourself into retirement. You’ve been PT for 15 years and admit your earnings have been non existent for the last few years. It sounds like the only person financially supporting your Dd is your partner.

I have been earning, but not much- I’ve also been studying. I will be earning more from now on as I have more than doubled my hours in my employed role.

That's irrelevant.
It's his income and the number of children in his household, which determines the amount of CM.

Also, how many days a week he has the child.

This is what the CMS calculator says.

His wife has 2 kids but they’re not his, would they be counted? They see their dad.

Usually 2 nights a week, sometimes 3.

I don’t know how much he earns, it might be less than I said here. But he pays for her bus and as of the past year or so, almost nothing else. He would say that he pays for her at his house. His contributions would pay for the difference between his and my nights per week, right? So I pay for her lunch 4 school days, he pays for 1. He pays for 3 evening meals and I pay for 4. Is that right? The money evens us up?

On an income of 40k, 2-3 nights a week, living with 2 children it’s £245/month.

however that is calculated on the 40k being after pension contributions. If he pays into a pension you will get even less.

you really need to sort your income out as well. You’re going after your ex, rightly so, but you’re not contributing financially either.

your partner is the one who’s footing the bills for both you and your daughter, while neither of her parents contribute.

It won't be £300. My ex earns about 55k. We use the 52-103 night bracket though it's really nowhere near that these days. I get approx £250 per child so if hes on 40k she won't be getting £300.

OP if he's in a school on PAYE it really is very straightforward. As a pp said, forget about uni for now. Your DD may well have to accept a high level of loan / debt but that's the same as most. You do need to read up on this, educate yourself about what your rights are and how you can do the best for your DD. You sound very overwrought and full of "what is". Knowledge is power and confidence.