DS didn't invite autistic DC to his birthday

[Cartfi]

Looking for advice on what's best really and if this would be U.

My DS turned 16 a few weeks ago and last weekend (we were away on his actual birthday) he went out with a few friends to bowling and arcades and then out for pizza. There was about 4 friends, mostly from football as they're the ones he's closest to.

Except, a boy started at his school when in year 10, he's autistic and DS was asked by his HOY to keep an eye out for him (DS is a prefect) they found out they have things in common and they've struck up a friendship. This boy doesn't have many friends, I think DS is his only one, he invited DS to go to McDonald’s for his birthday with him, the boys mum went with them and she told me she's pleased he's found a good friend and talks about DS a lot. He now goes to the same college as DS.

DS wanted to invite this boy to bowling but he'd never met the friends from football and DS was unsure whether he'd have a good time so he didn't, he said they could do something else but he hadn't got round to planning anything. The friend found out and he's obviously upset and won't listen to DS’s explanation. He's been ignoring DS at college and has been sitting on his own and DS obviously feels guilty. He struggles socially too though no diagnosis.

He said tomorrow he's going to invite him to do something at the weekend but I'm not sure, it will look like its out of pity won't it and be unreasonable? It may make the boy feel much worse. I don't know whether I should message the boys mum but they're both 16.

What should he do? Especially would love to hear if your child is autistic as I know this boy can't really reason with DS like a neuro typical child. I hope I haven't offended

He's allowed to invite who he wants to his birthday - they're 16, not 6.

As an adult, do you not have celebrations with one group of friends and then separately with other friends, as the two groups may not get on?

Let him manage his social life. Don't message anyone's mum, they're much too old for that.

And no, I don't see why he'd take it as a pity thing at all. Friend might have been hurt to be excluded from bowling, but that doesn't mean it would now come across badly to say that DS wants to spend social time with him 1 on 1. Would imagine most people have had the experience of not being included in every plan made - not pleasant, but usually actually much less about the person excluded, and more about the invitor's perceptions.

As with 95% of all threads in this place - communication is key - he just needs to talk to his friend and see if they can understand each other and get past the current issue.
So the only support you might helpfully offer is making sure your DS is able to listen actively and empathise with someone else's possibly different point of view, and not become defensive if the friend doesn't see it the same way. Good quality conflict resolution. That's all.

Normally I'd say don't involve the Mum, but maybe in this case it would make sense - you can explain that your DS also struggles a bit and found himself in a situation he didn't know how best to handle, and got it wrong. You explain that he's tried to apologise, and that he really does value the friend, and you really hope the friend can understand. DS can then invite him to do something they'd both enjoy and hopefully they can put it behind them.
I feel for both of them, tbh.

He’s right in that friends from different places/interests don’t always rub along.

Your DS may be his only friend but he isn’t obliged to invite him to everything, especially if he envisages a clash.

If the other boy won’t listen there’s not much he can do.

If dc wants to invite his friend then he should. No it wont look like a pity invite and might give him the chance to explain that he didnt know how to merge the two groups of friends, felt a bit awkward and made a bit of a mess of it.

My ds is autistic. He has a good friend from swimming, 1 from school and 1 from college.

He invites them all out together for his birthday and they get in great because they are all similar - hence why they get on with ds.

I think just explaining why he worried about it and that he regrets his decision is fine. My ds can hold a grudge but tell him it hurts him as much (if not more) than the person he’s holding it against and he has to make the decision to move on or not.

If it’s not then that’s on him and only him.

Your DS hasn't done anything wrong.

I would tell my DC to carry on as they are, nothing to feel guilty about. Let him invite the friend to do something at the weekend, if he says no then maybe the friendship has ran it's course.

Oof, it’s tough, as with NT or socially confident kids you’d leave them to sort it out themselves but this is a different sort of situation.

Reassure your DC that he’s done nothing wrong, and it just may take the other child a while to come round.

I have an autistic DC who’s younger than this, so I can’t speak to teenage dynamics. But I am aware (oh boy am I aware!) that my DC struggles to let things go and move on from perceived slights, and often takes things very personally. I also know that he can be quite intense and possessive in his friendships, and this can be a bit much for other kids.

I’m also aware that this is a part of his temperament that he will have to find ways to deal with throughout his life, and while it is hard for him, it’s not something I’d expect or want other people to feel they need to tiptoe around and take responsibility for.

That said, I think if I were in your shoes, I might have a word with the other child’s mum and just let her know you’re aware that her son’s feelings were hurt, and that this arose from your DS not wanting to put him in a situation where he’d feel left out and uncomfortable with people he didn’t know.

I imagine the mum will appreciate knowing that people are not deliberately leaving him out - and also, if her DC is anything like mine, he may have told her nothing about what’s upset him - so she may be dealing with a lot of dysregulation at home, and totally in the dark about what’s caused it.

You sound like lovely people.

I do wish schools wouldn’t assign some pupils to ‘look after’ others like this - I think it can set up all sorts of guilt- and anxiety-inducing situations for conscientious kids who already feel an over-extended sense of responsibility, as well as unrealistic expectations from kids who need more support than a 16-year-old peer can provide.

I know DS can invite whoever he wants but he did plan on inviting this boy to do something separate except he didn't get round to planning anything. He now feels it'll be a pity invite and I'm not sure if it’d look unreasonable

He thinks it will be a pity invite or you think that?

I think this is a lesson to your son that if someone is important to him then he needs to make sure he accommodates them even if it’s just to say, on this weekend we are going to do something for my birthday and it’ll just be us.

I would still do the invite for this weekend.

He doesn't have to do anything. I think he has built up a friendship with this lad and thats nice, but the other boy clearly still needs to understand that people dont tend to invite every friend to every event.
I think that if the other boy is going to be jealous of your sons other friends, then thats a lot for your son to navigate. I think if school have tasked your son with supporting the other lad as a prefect, then they should make sure your son is ok

I think he should invite him this weekend, but if he says no, just leave it for a while and see if he comes around. Possessiveness and jealousy kills friendships, so this in an important life lesson for both boys. I would maybe contact the Mum so she knows what is going on.

Speak to the boys mum & explain. Get ds to make plans like he wants too with the boy, i think itll help you explaining to his mum so she can explain it to her ds in a way he understands.

Ah that’s difficult op, yes it could take time but hopefully if he invites him out they’ll get back to where they were. Friendships are hard

I would want my DS to fade this friend out. Doesn't sound healthy. He shouldn't be made to feel guilty

Yep same here.

16 is a hard age, its not really fair on your son to have to take this level of responsibility on. Be nice and civil in class, make sure no bullying or exclusion, yes (but report to teacher, not his job to solve).

He can't run two separate social lives at weekends out of guilt. Lots of teenagers don't have big social lives and live quietly and lots will be moving on soon to university.

Autism can make people incredibly rigid and possessive and insist on things and dominate or manipulate situations. Your son isn't in a position of time, authority or resources to go along with this, presumably he's got exams or his own stresses.

I was a bit of an intense lonely weirdo as a teen and just had to deal with things and build some social skills and accept rejection, I'm great now.

Unfortunately there are some people where long term they can't have social lives which aren't heavily facilitated by parents or carers as they can be incredibly stubborn, bossy and unrealistic.

Yes they should receive civil and considerate behaviour, but others can't sacrifice themselves so they can say they've got a friendship group.