I met my friend Emily (not real name) 10 years ago at Uni, we clicked really well and she was really lovely, fun and kind. We both have taken different life paths over the years, she is still more of a party animal (totally fine I guess if that’s what you want!) where as I have two small children and bought a small flat with my fiancé to settle down.
5 years ago, when Emily had a bad breakup, I wanted to cheer her up so I took her out to dinner and drinks. Funnily enough she met a man (Henry) that evening who then she got into a relationship with. Fast forward 5 years to now… Henry (not real name) struggles massively with his mental health. He had a bad childhood which I really feel for him. However, every weekend he drinks until blackout and takes class A’s, and Emily seems to do this with him too. Emily says he has bpd - now known as EUPD. Henry comes across as very charming and kind and funny. However, over the past few years I have realised that he can become very nasty after a few too many drinks and they often end up fighting. I no longer invite them to my house as they argue like teenagers. I cannot have people like that in my house whilst my children are in bed. They act like teenagers. I love Emily to pieces, she is the only one out the two of them who can hold down a job. She is a professional and she pays rent for their apartment and gives him money as he can’t work due to his mental health. They have broken up multiple times over the years and always got back together. I used to try and give Emily advice to leave, but she would end up telling Henry what I had told her as apparently Henry has to always know what is said behind his back. She looks exhausted. Henry sometimes won’t let Emily sleep. If he had a mental health episode, and Emily dozed off he would wake her up by screaming at her. She does everything for Henry. I do not see her leaving him and I am so very concerned. Her family don’t like him but again, any advice is taken badly and fed back to Henry. Then Henry will send abusive messages to the person who told Emily the advice to leave him. I love Emily, however I don’t know what to do anymore. How can I help Emily? Do I have to step back from this friendship? Henry frequently self harms and tells Emily he will end his life if she leaves. They seem to have a trauma bond. We visited their apartment the other week and it was apparent that they were clearly struggling based on the appearance of it. Emily sadly lost her cousin to suicide as a teen so I think this influences her decisions, naturally on not wanting to leave. I am so concerned. Whenever we meet he calls her constantly and she says she cannot call me as Henry gets paranoid if he sees calls on her call history and is worried she is talking about him. I cannot ask how Henry is as Emily reminds me that Henry doesn’t like to be spoken about ‘behind his back’ even though Henry isn’t in the room with us. Please can someone give me some advice. I really appreciate it if you’ve read this far. Many thanks