How do I move past this

BoldBlueZebra · 2025-09-07T11:51:51+00:00

I feel very resentful towards a colleague and can’t seem to get over it. I know I should, I know it’s just life and shit happens but god damn it I feel so angry about it. I was supposed to move onto different hours so that I could care for someone close to me. I submitted the proposal to my manager and we agreed that we would go for a trial for a few weeks before full implementation to make sure everyone was happy with it and the other person would cover my role in the missing hours great all agreed all planned trial date set. First week of trial comes and the first day of the trial hours and person who should cover me calls in sick for the rest of the week. Trial clearly a complete failure in the eyes of the business and so proposal is abandoned. Person I was to care for has since died. I feel so angry that I was robbed of the extra time with them because of this person who is always ill with something or another who knew why I wanted the change and what the situation was and couldn’t just power through this one time we wfh and it was 6 hours. I just feel this rage and I need to get past it it’s making me miserable and resentful and makes by me look for anything to feed my resentment of said colleague how do I get past this. Is it unreasonable to feel this way?

Twinkylightsg · 07/09/2025 12:58

I would be angry at my managers at the situation being so sensitive and not allowing you time off and sorting it in a different way. What would they have done if you both called in sick? Surely they would have managed a way around that.

It's not the colleague being sick. It is the managers you should be angry at.

pictoosh · 07/09/2025 13:01

I agree with the first post.
That was your manager's job to...manage.

Really sorry it's making you feel so sad. x

Willquery123 · 07/09/2025 13:04

I'm sorry for your loss.

The anger will only eat you up though so maybe some counselling may help x

OMGtimes3 · 07/09/2025 13:44

I'm sorry for your loss and for having to deal with these unsettling but understandable emotions. You have my sympathy. I've had a few things happen to me that have made me feel just like you do now. It's taken me decades to learn and accept a few things that I hope will help you now.

Firstly, we don't know for sure whether the colleague was genuinely ill ... but you know him/her and your gut feeling is usually correct. Assuming s/he wasn't being honest, remember this: that person will not be losing sleep or feeling shame so don't give them the headspace and make yourself more miserable. As soon as the thoughts start creeping in, just stop yourself and think of something else. If you don't, you will be the only one to suffer all over again.

Secondly, there is nothing you can do to change the past and, as much as you may wish some sort of revenge (I'm not suggesting you are actually planning anything but acknowledge you probably want 'something to be done' to punish that person), you can't make it happen. However I find it helpful to tell myself that the other person will get their comeuppance one day; accept that you may never know what form that takes but it will happen. I hope that will give you some comfort.

Hatty65 · 07/09/2025 13:55

Your manager is poor, and I'd be annoyed with them - however, when they decided to abandon the trial I would have said, 'No - we agreed that I could change my hours to care for sick relative. How you cover that is your issue'.

You can't be angry with your colleague. They may very well have a chronic health condition that you are unaware of if they take quite a lot of sick leave. People cannot help being ill.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 07/09/2025 13:58

Was the person who was to cover your role asked or told about it?
I submitted the proposal to my manager and we agreed that we would go for a trial for a few weeks before full implementation to make sure everyone was happy with it and the other person would cover my role in the missing hours great all agreed all planned trial date set.
Were they doing this on top of their role or instead? And would they receive a pay increase?

Sixtimesnow · 07/09/2025 14:01

Your manager should have found other cover. It isn't your colleague's fault for being ill. But grief does funny things to us. Take care of yourself.

toomuchfaff · 07/09/2025 14:41

Sorry for your loss, but your take on this should be that you should have gone off sick to care for your dying relative, or quit or took leave or anything, you only control YOUR action, no one elses, not your managers, your colleague. You.

You'll never get that time back but its not the fault of your colleague, your manager or anyone. Work isnt the priority when it comes to dying relatives. Everything else can be sorted after, but time - thats on thing you'll never manage to "sort".

As for the work situation now. you'll never be the person you were before you were "let down" - maybe time to move in, go somewhere else, get away from them.

Original poster

BoldBlueZebra · 07/09/2025 19:30

toomuchfaff · 07/09/2025 14:41

Sorry for your loss, but your take on this should be that you should have gone off sick to care for your dying relative, or quit or took leave or anything, you only control YOUR action, no one elses, not your managers, your colleague. You.

You'll never get that time back but its not the fault of your colleague, your manager or anyone. Work isnt the priority when it comes to dying relatives. Everything else can be sorted after, but time - thats on thing you'll never manage to "sort".

As for the work situation now. you'll never be the person you were before you were "let down" - maybe time to move in, go somewhere else, get away from them.

This is mad how would I have kept a roof over our heads if I went on the sick and got ssp, I can’t just quit my job I’ve got a mortgage to pay and I’d steady used all of my annual leave for the year. I still needed to earn a living so we could have a home and eat and have night carers all these things had to be paid for we didn’t get any help from anyone

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Original poster

BoldBlueZebra · 07/09/2025 19:34

Didn’t much matter in the end they only lived another 6 weeks but all i can think every time this person asks me for a favour now is you wouldn’t help me for six hours but somehow I have to smile and go along with whatever in the interests of being a team player - see it’s just resentful feelings

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Whaleandsnail6 · 07/09/2025 19:35

You can't blame your colleague for this.

This was for your manager to sort the cover, not to expect it all to fall on your colleague, who may have their own stuff going on.

Your loss is awful but you are focusing your anger on the wrong person

Original poster

BoldBlueZebra · 07/09/2025 19:37

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 07/09/2025 13:58

Was the person who was to cover your role asked or told about it?
I submitted the proposal to my manager and we agreed that we would go for a trial for a few weeks before full implementation to make sure everyone was happy with it and the other person would cover my role in the missing hours great all agreed all planned trial date set.
Were they doing this on top of their role or instead? And would they receive a pay increase?

Asked before I even put in the application I discussed it with them and we talked about how it would work and if they said no it didn’t work for them I wouldn’t have done it. I made the change for the day of the week when there’s the least to do and it was instead of their role not as well as

OP posts:

Original poster

BoldBlueZebra · 07/09/2025 19:38

Whaleandsnail6 · 07/09/2025 19:35

You can't blame your colleague for this.

This was for your manager to sort the cover, not to expect it all to fall on your colleague, who may have their own stuff going on.

Your loss is awful but you are focusing your anger on the wrong person

I know I just can’t get rid of the feeling and I don’t really know how to process it

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Whaleandsnail6 · 07/09/2025 19:40

BoldBlueZebra · 07/09/2025 19:37

Asked before I even put in the application I discussed it with them and we talked about how it would work and if they said no it didn’t work for them I wouldn’t have done it. I made the change for the day of the week when there’s the least to do and it was instead of their role not as well as

Show quote history

If you wouldn't have done it if it hadn't worked for the colleague,, what was the plan in that instance?

Its a shit situation when trying to juggle work and caring for a terminally ill loved one, its so tough, but it's unfair to blame your colleague. Your anger is misplaced

Original poster

BoldBlueZebra · 07/09/2025 19:45

Whaleandsnail6 · 07/09/2025 19:40

If you wouldn't have done it if it hadn't worked for the colleague,, what was the plan in that instance?

Its a shit situation when trying to juggle work and caring for a terminally ill loved one, its so tough, but it's unfair to blame your colleague. Your anger is misplaced

Show quote history

No idea to be honest probably more bought in care I just wanted the time with them more than them needing the care part of it anyone could have done that.

i know I’m unreasonable and I know it’s unfair to feel this resentful when no one can go back and change things now.

I just need to get this out I and this is a (reasonably) safe space to do that - I feel like venting is the first step to letting it go

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Pomegranatecarnage · 07/09/2025 19:48

YANBU. Some people are very selfish, and will not put themselves out to help others. I once put myself out a lot (probably about ten hours unpaid work) to help a colleague who was juggling a very sick child, and she was very grateful at the time. Two years later when I asked for a small favour which would have taken up an hour of her time she said no. Try not to let it eat you up, as you’ll be the one who suffers-however, I would categorically not be doing any favours for this colleague that are outside your remit.

Calamitousness · 07/09/2025 19:52

To be honest it was always going to fail if the proposal was that flimsy that one person going off means you also can’t take 6 hours off. That wasn’t a well planned proposal. I would think your re-directing your grief and maybe think about your loss and take time to remember your loved one and know you did the best you could. It’s really hard to sort temporary last minute changes in working. Nobody’s fault but just the way it is. Normally we would expect someone to take sick leave and see their gp for a fit note because of personal stress and that allows the employee time to spend with their loved one. If you couldn’t do that then know you did your best.

TheDayWeGotMinnie · 07/09/2025 19:55

I think your manager is the one at fault. But just wanted to send a hug OP. I understand why you're so upset. Take care

Tiswa · 07/09/2025 19:57

So you are angry because they were ill (and if off for a week I assume they were sick) that they couldnt come in of course they can’t power through

the thing is if the whole thing fell like a house of cards when one other person was off sick it was t a feasible plan in the first place and whether your employer should have stepped up more it is hard to say

whst you are angry at is that your relative died and you didn’t get the time with them you wanted

Tiswa · 07/09/2025 19:58

And you start by grieving - anger is a fairly normal part and they seem a safe space for your anger (because to place it on your boss I think is too close for comfort)