To think some women regret having children but cover it with “mum guilt?”

[ThatTaupeSeal]

There’s endless talk of “mum guilt” but AIBU to think sometimes that’s just a polite cover for deeper regret they can’t admit?

What are you on about? Mum guilt is for things like missing a parents' evening because you had to work, or not catching them before they fell off their bike, or feeling sad that they are sad.

Totally different from regretting having kids and not wanting to spend time with them.

I get that distinction. I just meant that sometimes the language of mum guilt feels like it papers over bigger feelings, it’s easier to say you feel guilty than to admit regret. Not saying it’s always the case, just wondering if it ever is.

I think women do regret having children and pretend not to

But its separate to mum guilt, which can often be celebs humble bragging about their busy lives 🙄🙄

Mum guilt is IMO a very different thing to regretting having children…?

I don’t regret having kids per say but I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time, I often feel resentful of the lack of free time I have and the sheer volume of time spent doing drudge work. I feel incredibly guilty about this and never let my DDs see it but I wouldn’t ever articulate it to friends and family as it sounds awful whereas I would talk about mum guilt so perhaps there is some truth in what you say OP!

I know what you mean OP. I think it’s easier to admit to mum guilt when you do anything non-child focused to paper over the fact that you might actually prefer the non-child focused activity.

I don't pretend on here that I regret having one too many children, but what good would it do to be open about that in my home? Around my children? The regret is mine, regret doesn't absolve you from protecting your children from that truth.
The best we can do is use forums such as this to talk freely without shame so other women can learn and also feel not so alone.

All mums have guilt about something but mum guilt isn't centered in the regret of having children.

No. Mum guilt is how @Springadorable described it. And I think these days it’s less taboo to say you wish you hadn’t had kids. We don’t love them any less but I for one wish I had stayed childless and if it comes up in conversation I’ll admit it to friends. Not that I go around proclaiming it.

Any mum guilt I've ever felt has been to do with feeling like my child deserved better. Not that I regret having him.

(I don't mean a better mum than me overall just to clarify. I mean like if he's had a really boring weekend and I think I could have done better for him.)

Are you the same mum who posted a very similar thread last week? If you are, I'm really not being nasty when I say this ---- you need to go and seek proffesional help and stop trying to get other mums to say they don't like being a parent either

Have you got children? I honestly can’t imagine a mother ever regretting having their children? My child is the most precious thing in the world to me.

Something tells me this 'poster' doesn't have children and probably won't be back to answer many more questions

I have a friend who regrets having children. She loves them dearly but says she didn’t understand what she was compromising (her own freedom and the balance with her husband).

She also experiences mum guilt and talks openly about this. For her they are two different feelings. She regrets her choice, but loves her children and wants to do what’s best and suffers guilt when she gets it wrong or can’t make things.

Not me, must’ve been someone else. Different posters can have similar thoughts though.

Three word, MN generated username ✅
Tedious ‘discussion point’ style OP ✅
No personal experience to back up point made ✅

There's another further down the page about sacrificing salary. Content farming or Mumsnet trying to generate clicks?

I get mum guilt all the time, tomorrow I’m working, I worked today too so haven’t gotten anything more than the odd few hours with my kids when I’ve been tired and trying to get all the school/ house stuff done too. I’m exhausted and trying not to look at my WhatsApp with my friends talking about their naps and hikes and weekends away but absolutely no regrets and I’ll make it up to them soon with a board game night, my favourite thing ever!!!

There are at least 3 a day. So fucking tedious.

This judgement isn't helpful.

Having a child is like any large life decision, you might regret it. Doesn't mean you don't love them more than life itself, or that you aren't being the best you can for them. It also doesn't mean it's a permanent feeling, or that there's anything wrong with acknowledging it

Yes, I suspect this yet-another-three-word-named poster won't share any of their own experiences here either. How surprising.

I think some do. But I do think that like most feelings it is transient. I have thought at times I’ve regretted mine but I don’t (although I do find toddlers tough going and I hate the endless syrupy ‘oh, treasure every moment, it goes so fast’ sentiments on social media.)

Mum guilt is a toxic phenomenon though because if actually you DON’T feel guilty in the slightest about having the children in nursery for an extra day so you can have some r & r or buying yourself some new clothes instead of yet another toy, don’t worry … ‘mum guilt’ will remind you that you should be feeling guilty. I hate it, nearly as much as the way ‘anxious mums’ are valorised. It’s a way of trying to suggest that those burdened with guilt and anxiety love their children more than those of us who largely feel neither.

Imagine a bit harder. There are women who beat and abuse their children.

You are right. I didn’t think of it like that. I find parenting really really difficult and not at all enjoyable at times. But I can’t imagine ever ‘regretting’ bringing my child into the world. The thought of them not existing is horrible.