To want to walk away from it all

[Yellowpost]

My DD (18) has struggled with MH issues and has a personality disorder amongst other things. I have worked part time since she was young due to her needs and fought all the fights to get her support through school, therapists, CAMHS etc etc as well as balancing a career and the needs of my other children. She is in receipt of PIP which I am the executor as she has no idea about money and will spend it on whatever this week's obsession is, then have nothing left for anything. I give her a weekly generous allowance and the rest goes towards petrol, food and other essentials for her. She is now 18 and has finished college, no job, no motivation to do anything except stay in bed, play online and do nothing. I have tried to encourage her to look for part time work, explore college courses but she just isn't interested. I appreciate that she has additional needs and finds things hard but she is extremely clever and despite her MH needs, she could do a lot with the right support. She is now questioning why she doesn't get all her PIP money and is accusing me of ripping her off. I provide all her food, transport, clothes, driving lessons, phone, subscriptions and toiletries. She contributes nothing to the house, won't do any chores, even her own washing, cleaning, nothing. Am I being unreasonable to feel like I have done my bit, that she is an adult and because I'm unable to work full time because of her needs, she should not have all her PIP money to spend on games consoles and dominos whilst I can't afford to even go out for a meal with my friends? I'm so close to asking her to move out, but she's vulnerable and has nowhere to go but I resent her. Am I a bad person?

Tell her if she receives all her PIP then she needs to pay rent etc. She can’t expect to live for free whilst she does nothing.

Imo, it is not at all unreasonable to be feeling frustrated and down about this situation, nor surprising that you have the fleeting impulse to escape from the problem by fantasising about her moving out, but it IS unreasonable to think that kicking her out is an actual viable solution. You need to set more boundaries re housework, job etc. I'm sure this seems impossible and you have my sympathy.
Is her Dad in the picture /do either of you have any other support ?

Yanbu, you're her executor as she is is unable to manage her money.
Could she live in a house share with you managing her bills ? Something will have to change as you cannot go on living together forever feeling like this.

I would sit down with her then and agree a set amount of “rent” for her to pay out of her PIP.

I would then give her the rest of the money along with clear expectations of what she is now expected to do for herself - her own washing etc.

Maybe that bit more responsibility will help her moving forward. But you need to be firm about things.

She should claim UC as well if she feels hard done by

Boundaries work for neurotypical teens. This one will run, harm herself or breakdown if given too many demands. I am an emotional hostage and now a financial one too.

I do understand this. My younger sister has BPD and this post could have been written by my mum a few years ago. Do either of you have any other support?

Stop doing her washing, cleaning. If she can do driving lessons she has self control or the instructor would refuse to take her.

Have a look into supported housing for her. I’ve known people to work in them .. there are more staff than young people and their needs are met .. for instance if they say they want to see parents, a member of staff will take them.

someone I knew was really annoyed when her son came into a considerable inheritance and couldn’t live there any more!

She is about to apply and will then have more disposable income than me who is providing for other siblings and running a home.

Executive functioning skills and bpd don't work in this way, unfortunately.

Find out how much you get for a lodger and explore that option. PIP and universal credit were not designed to be pocket money.

I would speak to social services about supported living. It's very much geared towards promoting independence and her carers would work with her and help her in setting goals and developing daily living skills. With the best will in the world, this is something that is very difficult to achieve in the family home where she is most comfortable and used to you doing everything for her. Our son has been in supported living for 5 months now and the change in him is amazing - he's going out every day with carers to different activities that I never dreamed in a million years he would do.

You owe it to yourself too - being a carer is exhausting especially when there is no end in sight. You're at very real risk of burning out and the stress on you and the rest of the family is damaging to your physical and mental health. You deserve to have a life too. You can still support your daughter and see her very regularly. You might find that when you're not having to deal with the daily stress and anxiety, your relationship improves too.

I know how hard it is - I have been there and my fear of letting go and taking that leap was almost overwhelming. But it can be life changing for both you and your daughter (and your other kids) so I would honestly urge you to take that first step and speak to social services.

If she is accusing you of ripping her off and she wants all the PIP money, then let her have it.

She can then pay rent for her room, clothes, driving lessons, transport, phone, subscriptions, toiletries and contribute towards food.

Write a list of what everything will cost. She is bright so will hopefully realise that the PIP no way near covers her costs and she will have to give a lot of things up.

If she is not doing anything all day, then stop the driving lessons and subscriptions - you need to have a life too, and if she is doing nothing to help herself, then she doesn't get luxuries.

There is having needs then there is not helping yourself to thrive.

Thank you for this response. I have requested an adult care assessment but there's a long wait. She doesn't not want to move out (surprisingly) and I have been reliably informed that getting supported accommodation in our area is almost impossible. I really appreciate you recognising the reality of burnout and how it affects all aspects of life. I just don't think she'd cope being away from me.

Thank you. I have sat down with her and it doesn't go in. I have now done a spreadsheet with all the expenses and how I spend the section of PIP money on her but started to doubt myself thinking I was being a terrible person not allowing her to spend "her money" on rubbish .

No other support. Dad is here but poor relationship with DD

You're not a terrible person. You're frustrated by the current situation which has no end in sight AND mentally exhausted because you've been doing this for almost two decades. And while turning 18 is supposed to be a big cultural and legal shift to adulthood, in this case it doesn't reduce your burden but in some cases even increases it (e.g., responding to her demands for direct control of "her" money when that's not a practical possibility).

You're not choosing to withhold money; the money just isn't there because it's already spent on her upkeep. "Letting" her spend on inessentials means taking away basics from yourself and the other children. As things stand now, she has to either let you manage the money or get it directly but set up channels so that when it comes in most of it goes straight to the household accounts to cover her cost. Your spreadsheet should be really useful - even if DD isn't engaging with it yet, it at least shows YOU that you're doing all you can and not being unreasonable.

You say that you can only work part time because of her needs; is there any easing of that now that she's older? If her dad lives with you, can he bring in more money and/or offset some of your burden? If he can't take on any care of your daughter because of their poor relationship, can he do more around the house or with your younger children to free up more of your time, either to work or just to have a much-needed break?

I'm so sorry, it's not acceptable to have a long wait for assessment, this is why so many families end up at crisis point, isn't it 😔 that's what happened to us, police involved because my son's behaviour was so unsafe, running in the road etc and eventually was sectioned and spent some months in an assessment and treatment unit. The whole thing was a nightmare and needn't have happened if we'd had the help and support we needed! But it is amazing to see him settled and happy in his own place with lots of support. Like you, I really didn't believe he would cope without me but he's proved me wrong. I really hope you get the help and support you need. In the meantime, do whatever you can to carve out a bit of time for yourself - having a walk in the woods, a coffee break with a friend or a yoga/meditation class, a massage - anything you can to give yourself a break. Have you had a carer's assessment? It can help you access more support for you as a carer x

I'm not sure if you can request a section 20 for an 18 year old but I would definitely enquire with social services or adult social care. My granddaughter has had one for 18 months and although not a cure all it has helped the other children in the family.