Help & advice needed… 2 year old not sleeping

[strugglingmomm]

Since my DC was about a year old he has not slept through the night.

He wakes up at 8am, has a nap at 12pm and then goes to bed around 9/10pm, sometimes even later.

I have tried everything to get him to go bed earlier but to no avail.

I take him out to the park, for walks, he just dosent get tired.

On the days where I have such little sleep and I am exhausted I don’t take him out as I just don’t have the energy after having 2/3 hour sleep.

He will make wake up 4/5 times in the night, he sleeps in his cot/ co sleeps.

I literally feel like a single parent as partner works 7 days a week.

I am lucky to get 3 hours to myself on a Sunday when he takes him out for food.

I am just feeling so depressed from the lack of sleep and on top of having to cook and clean etc with no help.

I take him out for food in the week, library classes, take him to the park and still he just dosent get tired.

Its really affecting my mental health, I am so tired all the time and constantly getting colds.

Nursery isn’t an option as OH is concerned about something happening after reading the stories about the Polish nursery nurse who was abusing children.

I just don’t know what to do.
I am so exhausted, if he just slept from 7pm - 7am it would make such a difference to my own mental being.

He is seeing a paediatrician next month due to him having enlarge lymph nodes, so I guess I can ask them to rule out sleep apnea, iron deficiency etc as the GP said they don’t do blood tests for toddlers at the surgery.

You have two seperate issues

1. sleeping. Try putting him in a small double bed and drop the nap. Give in to cosleeping. When it comes down it he may never sleep through 7 to 7. Children don’t always sleep through. Neither of mine slept through 7 to 7.
2. OH issues. If he doesn’t want your child in nursery then he can look after him. What’a going to happen when he gets to pre school age? Will he start education at 3?

Have you looked into some gentle sleep training? That would be my first priority.

Dropping the nap should help with bedtime.

Double whatever exercise he is currently getting. Things like the library and classes are great, but they're not huge energy burners. Try having at least an hour running around outside both morning and afternoon (encouraging walking instead of the buggy is a good way to fit this in as you can do it on the way to the library/classes). Try softplay and swimming as well, both excellent for high energy kids.

If nursery isn't an option maybe look into finding a trusted babysitter. You need some time to yourself too.

@Septemberisthenewyear
Hi,

Shall I buy a double bed with a guard?

I really don’t want I be co sleeping and would love for him to sleep in his own bed.

I would really like for him to go nursery as at least I would get some time to myself and a rest, I know I can’t keep going on like this anymore as it’s making me really depressed.

I’m not surprised you’re struggling. Small double with bed guards is perfect. Settle him into bed and leave. It maybe that you need to bed hop a few times a night at the start but if he wakes and you jump in with him then you can both get back to sleep quickly.

Bed guards arent safe due to the risk of positional aphixiation (him getting trapped between bed and guard). The safest option is a double mattress on the floor and away from the wall. I'd then embrace the cosleeping.

Also try playing around with what he wears and his sleeping bag etc. Took me a very long time to realise my son doesn't like being warm in bed. Even in winter he just wears cotton pyjamas and kicks off the duvet. When I stopped putting him in his sleeping bag, his sleeping really improved.

No screens after 5pm

You might well need to drop the nap to get a longer block of sleep at night.

Is some household help an option? Or can your partner take over household chores so you can sleep?

Your DP doesn’t help through the week so doesn’t get the final say on whether you use a nursery or not. I bet he’d change his mind if you reversed your roles.

Point out to him that leaving the house and crossing the road presents risk. Everything does. Due diligence of course but 99.9% of nursery workers will not be child abusers.

Agree with others about sleep training and getting some high energy activity in the day and then a very calm and structured routine in the early evening before bed. Your HV may be able to advise.

Good luck. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Biggest advice from me is call your health visitor. My DS is 3 and he slept perfectly until he hit 9 months (typically right as I went back to work) and then stopped. Sounds like we went through very similar to you. I called our HV in tears when he hit 13 months and I couldn’t take it anymore as my job was suffering and I was knackered. Lack of sleep for DS was also affecting his behaviour and he was having awful tantrums at home and at nursery.

She gave me excellent advice (ditch daytime naps, high energy activity during the day but a calmer late afternoon/evening, stick to the exact same routine every night to the letter, no screens in the evening). We developed a routine to stick to with HV after she listened to our family life and what worked for us. HV warned it would get worse before it got better, and we had to persevere and it was so hard as we got even less sleep initially while we put it into action, but then it did get better.

And your DP needs to accept that you need a break. I bet he’d be saying differently if it was him with the toddler 24/7. If it’s not nursery, look into childminders or trusted babysitters. It’s one of those where you just need to do thorough research but then trust the staff and your decision. What will your DP do when DS goes to preschool or school? Maybe you could find a preschool that’s attached to a school that takes from age 2 (ours does and DS went there from age 2 after being in private nursery). Would that make him feel more comfortable?

None of mine ever slept 7-7. Please don’t think of this as being the goal because you will probably not achieve it. I look after grandchildren almost daily. The 4 yo was like yours until 3.5 or so. Up at 7, daytime nap, went to sleep between 10 & 11. She was at child care and they insisted they wouldn’t wake her - 2 hour naps were killers. She’s now sleeping 8:30 - 7 with no nap. She still wakes in the night occasionally.
Restrict the daytime nap - maximum of one hour, look at bringing bedtime earlier - I did 20 min increments. Do the same pattern before bed, whatever works for you. We did food, bath, book. Quiten noise, turn off the tv, soft music if you want. It will get better!

Bed guards are safe from 18 months.

Drop or shorten the nap

I have a 2.5 year old. I breastfeed and co-sleep and he does wake up in the night - usually about 1 and about 5. It was the same with my younger DD at that age, although she started sleeping through the night when she was 3 (and I no longer breastfed). So from my experience waking in the night is normal for the age group (though not easy).

Not sending to nursery due to abuse concerns is not really reasonable - apart from anything sending a 2 year old is not like sending a baby as they can tell you if something is wrong. Also you can scope out the nursery and find somewhere trustworthy.

Surely you just need to ditch the daytime nap? The signs of being ready to drop the daytime nap are: going to bed later, waking up repeatedly at night.

Your DC has both signs.

There's not a set age they drop their daytime nap. It's unusual but as a baby I apparently dropped mine at a year old - would not sleep whatsoever overnight with a nap, but slept fine without one. Meanwhile my siblings needed a daytime nap until they started school. All kids are different.

My DC dropped their daytime nap right before age 2 - they did as your child did, started going to bed at 10pm and waking repeatedly at night.

We kept them up, no nap, and they went almost instantly back to sleeping 7am-7pm. The first week of keeping them awake all afternoon is tough though!

Try it. If you still have an issue after dropping the nap then imo you have a real sleep issue, but otherwise they're just showing you they're ready to drop their nap, which all kids will do at some point.

Hi
Thanks for all the replies and advice.

How would I go about dropping the nap?

I do try keeping him awake but say if I take him out on the buggy he will end up falling asleep.

I will look for a mattress this week, I definitely think he is fed up of the cot.

Dropping the nap is hard for a week or two. But basically keep him busy and dont give him a chance to drop off. You might need to avoid the buggy at danher times for a short while. Although an interesting snack can help keep them awake in the buggy if needed.

It will be tricky for a bit, but he will soon settle into the new routine.

Check out the UK Cosleepers Facebook page for mattress suggestions. There's a good Ikea one for example I believe.