Secretive husband

[flossie93]

Dh is secretive. I have found out a lot of things about him over the years purely by chance. I can’t go into too much detail as it would be too outing. It isn’t like discovering affairs or anything but things about his personality, sexual preferences (a particular kink I found out via his undeleted internet history), health issues etc. He just isn’t open with me and it really bothers me.

I accept that even in a married couple we are all entitled to some privacy and he doesn’t have to share every element of himself with me. However I also feel like I have a right to know who I’m married to. I don’t snoop and have found things out by accident - alerts popping up on his phone when it’s right next to me kind of thing.

I have tried to explain to him that I find it hurtful but he bats it off or says he’s just embarrassed to discuss if.

My DH is and was like this.

Similar stuff too (sexual, previous relationships etc )

To be honest it caused a big dent in my feelings towards him.

But, I do understand where it comes from. His family (what little he has ) is abnormal. His mother and brother. All 3 of them are entirely dysfunctional. They can't communicate openly, talk to each other in small talk only. Big life events could be going on and nobody talks. All avoided. Anything feelings or emotions related is a complete no go. Mother talks to adult sons in a baby voice though and is very jealous and possessive. Oddest set up I've ever encountered.

But I know that's where his secretiveness comes from. He's not used to sharing Information, relaxing and being intimate, even with the people who are closest to him. Learnt behaviour.

I could see this being a similar scenario to my dh to be honest. I only met his family a few times as sadly his parents both passed away within months of each other not long after we got together. But I feel like it wasnt an especially close family setup.

I on the other hand am a fairly open book with close friends, family and of course with him. I suppose we are all different but I just wish he could see how it could be hurtful. He almost eye rolls when I speak up about how it makes me feel. Like I said, he’s entitled to his secrets but surely I’m entitled to know who I married.

I feel you. And I get it.

It's difficult to overcome as you realise you're fundamentally so incredibly different. I'd bet his family were very closed off emotionally. So their blueprint for what "normal" looks like is obviously off kilter to us (and many others ).

My DH has gotten better over the years. But he'll never be totally on my wavelength.

Best advice is to make sure you do get emotional outlets/intimacy from friends and or family.

I don't think you'll be able to change him fundamentally. This type isn't often terribly open to it either.

My DH first wife had an affair. It devastated him for years after. Sadly, I can see how it happened and I'd be certain it was the lack of intimacy and secretiveness. He's rather blind to it. I'd never do that to him. Especially after that experience. But I can definitely see how secretiveness and lack of emotionally intimacy could drive a person to an affair.

Not quite the same but my DH is a very closed off person. He makes small talk with everyone, no matter how long he has known them, never tells me about his work day, even when pressed, has shows next to no emotional vulnerability in over 15 years together, and just seems to have walls up at all times. All of my friends and family find him pleasant but "very difficult to talk to" because it never gets deep. He has no close friends. No friends, imo, just loose acquaintances. He has next to no relationship with his family and makes no effort/has no interest in seeing then. He will go 10 years without seeing his parents and then visit them for less than 24 hours. When he calls them, it is 5 minutes, all superficial, like the weather. But he tells me how "close" he is to them! He always says he "doesn't really know" people we have known for 10 years or he will refer to "my friends" when we met the couple at the same time, together. I do nearly all the talking in the relationship. He also never replies to people's texts or emails, and doesn't even realize (or care?) how rude this is. (Mine included.) At times, I have wondered if he is keeping things from me but I have come to realize, this is who he is. He isn't close to literally ANYONE. He doesn't even know what it means to be close. At this point, it has taken enormous toll on my feelings for him as our relationship feels so unsatisfying and superficial. He sees no problems..this is who he is and how he will always be with everyone.

Sounds very similar to my DH and our marriage.

His mother and brother are like it too but ironically they'd all think they were "close" despite talking about fence panels and grass seed for the last 15yrs I've known them all.

I’m seeing a lot of similarities in these posts so maybe it really is a specific type of person who is just like this. Dh wasn’t particularly close to his family either and I always quite shocked how little effort he made with extended family when his parents passed.

He’s not bad at talking to people and it isn’t like I have to carry the conversation but he can occasionally come across a little bit rude and blunt. He also has no real friends because he doesn’t make effort with them either. It all does seem to follow a bit of a pattern doesn’t it.

It does.

I suspect my DH has HFA, what used to be called 'Aspergers' there are too many 'ticks' against the traits of the condition for me to be in much doubt over it to be honest.

I would say my husband is extremely introverted to the point of anti-social. He makes no investment in anyone. At work or a party, he will turn it on, but it is just so shallow... I find everyone else's husband I meet to be much more "full formed." But yeah, I literally don't know a thing about his past relationships and never will. Months after a major thing happened at his work, it will accidentally slip out. The lack of emotional connection has resulted in us living like roommates (and I even call him my "co-parent") for the last third of our marriage but we never had much going on in the bedroom beforehand because like with the emotional stuff, sex never felt like an actual connection between us. I don't think I will ever be physically intimate with him again and have told him why and honestly he seems just fine with this too, however unlike me, he would be fine living like this forever whereas I am constantly seeking a way out/life without him. He is a real loner and just doesn't want or need human connection. I didn't see a lot of this when we were dating as he put on more of an effort but I definitely overlooked a lot of red flags looking back. It's a very lonely way to live.

Gosh that sounds really hard. Dh isn’t quite that bad, he is loving and affectionate but I can totally relate to some of those things. Turning on the charm with certain people but never really having a genuine interest in anyone. Very closed off about past relationships whereas I’ll happily discuss them. And yeah sex has never felt especially natural between us but there are other contributing factors to that too. It’s hard but I guess some people are just wired up differently. I had hoped he might change but I think this is just him.

how did you marry someone you don't know? I don't mean that in a nasty way I just genuinely do not get how someone would commit their life to someone they don't understand intimately

I could have written your post. All of it.

Solidarity is all I have for you

I'm not the OP but I'll give you an honest answer to why I did.

I had a grotty past when I met him (cyclical lapses with mental health and a propensity to use alcohol to cope , which got me in some embarrassing and shameful situations) I was not in the best place when I met him.

It was such a relief that he never showed interest in my past. Never asked intimate or prying questions. Overlooked any flaws (or simply didn't see them ). It was a relief to not talk about me.

But years later, I finally trialled anti depressants and just stopped drinking altogether and as time passed my past was easier to forget. I live a very normal life nowadays and finally feel like a whole and proper person no longer shrouded in shame. And I guess part of that is realising I have human needs and am no longer looking to hide and not have intimacy in my life.

So I guess in fairness, how I ended up married to someone who has little capability of being honest open and intimate is my own doing.

I don’t think I realised to be honest. If someone doesn’t immediately want to talk about their history is that a crime? I didn’t think so. He was always kind, loving and generous. He still is. I just genuinely didn’t realise certain things about him until I found out by sheer chance.

It’s not that I want to end the marriage. I am mostly happy and we have a good life. I don’t think he would cheat or keep anything terrible from me. But he has kept certain things and it does hurt that he doesn’t show me more of his true self.