Questioning my sanity

[Clearheaded]

Parents in late 70’s, I live in the country they are originally from a short ferry ride from
The uk but a lot of land driving. They do one trip to this country for 2-3 weeks a year. in this time they visit their holiday home in a beauty spot, they visit their elderly siblings.

All in all from their house in the uk to their end destination it is 18 hours on the road (3 stops). 12 hours on the way back.

However they outright refuse to visit my home, I have 3 kids youngest 7 and oldest 11 years old. We have a spare room and the house is clean and tidy. I’m a good cook etc. we talk every week and get on well. The kids are well behaved.

Every year I drive 1 hour 45 mins each way to a specific pub they like to meet in for dinner. They like this spot because it is opposite the b&b they stay in on their final night (15 mins from the ferry port). I just don’t want to do it this year because there is nothing for the kids to do there…and we spend 3.5 hours round trip driving. To sit in a pub on a main road for 2 hours

My request is that they come to my house, stay the night and the kids will be happy and interactive. Every year they say the drive is too long because it adds 1 hour 15 mins to their time on the road, so their return journey time would 13 hours 15 mins not 12 hours.

I got really angry with my dad and said he is entitled and demanding

You don’t need to know this to answer the Ainu but just so I don’t get accused of drip-feeding..,,

my mother has always suffered with really poor mental health. She won’t disclose her exact diagnosis, but she really struggles with all personal relationships and can be very unreasonable. Her moods are unstable and she has people she adores and people she absolutely hates. Perfectly nice people can be hated and nobody knows why. My husband is an adored person so he only gets charm..

My father is wonderful but rolls over to all her requests for an easy life. He isn’t meek, he built a successful business he was good at disciplining us as kids etc I honestly don’t know why he puts up with her.

I know my story isn’t as interesting as most people’s on Mumsnet, but i just feel like my parents don’t value me or my time at all. They come for 15 days and they get to see plenty people but I’m just not one of them. I think they expect I should be grateful for them telling me they are arriving and I should be happy to drive there and see them.

Another element is my mum doesn’t want to see me but when she meets her family they will ask, they will be shocked if she says she isn’t seeing me. So this way she gets to say yes she is seeing but without having to actually really see me at all.

i feel like all my life I have had to pander to her and compromise but she never has and never will really do anything for anyone.

Another element is my mum doesn’t want to see me but when she meets her family they will ask, they will be shocked if she says she isn’t seeing me. So this way she gets to say yes she is seeing but without having to actually really see me at all.

Stop doing it. If you have a relationship with her family, tell them why. Although they probably already know she is being unreasonable. If you don’t have a relationship with them, their opinion really doesn’t matter.

Just try to find a way to maintain a relationship with your father. Some people might say he shouldn’t go along with what your mother does, but living with someone who has poor mental health can be very hard. Sometimes a quiet life is needed for their own mental health.

I was going to say YABU until I saw your updates. Why do they have to see you on the last day of the holiday? I do understand about them not wanting to do the extra driving but it sounds like they tack you on to the end of a very full holiday visiting lots of other people. I think just tell them the kids are older now and it’s not going to work for you. But be prepared to be bad mouthed behind your back.

I haven’t asked him on this specific occasion, but generally he says he has to do what she wants or she will sulk for weeks and that is too stressful for him. If she gets her way she will then be super happy for a few days. So that is great for him. So your last paragraph is spot on.

To be fair for things like communions and christenings I understand she is not emotionally able for a crowd, she gets very opinionated and can often find one of her immediate family to be very rude to. She finds being extremely bossy and demanding and people doing what she wants empowering, so actually when she declines I’m pleased. He wouldn’t see it as an option to come without her, which is a real shame because he misses so much and I adore him.

regarding this specific occasion he is the one stating the drive is too much for him.

@Owly11i live north of the ferry port and they are going south so they have to see me at the beginning or the end. My aunt (dad’s sister also lives north) so they see her on the outbound journey and stay with her for the night. To give context it is an hour and 15 mins to the aunt and 1 hour 35 mins to me but the road to me is along the coast and a nice straight drive whereas her route is on smaller roads and more complex

i do get that a lot of the people they visit are elderly and can’t travel to them. I’m not saying they shouldn’t visit others, it is that they will only see me for 2 hours on the evening before they leave and they expect me to do a 3.5 hour round trip to see them. I don’t mind doing this exact journey to see my brother (he also gets the ferry) because we usually do a full day at the beach or bowling and dinner.

To be fair for things like communions and christenings I understand she is not emotionally able for a crowd, she gets very opinionated and can often find one of her immediate family to be very rude to. She finds being extremely bossy and demanding and people doing what she wants empowering, so actually when she declines I’m pleased.
By this do you mean "she doesn't like it when she's not the centre of attention " as it sounds like that's her issue!

She likes to be in total control of everyone’s behaviour. So she will for example bark at me to serve my mother in law sandwiches and my mother in law is very mobile and independent.

I don’t know if she likes to be the centre of attention as such… they never really leave the house and never attend parties. She mostly doesn’t want to be socialising or seeing people, she will for example agree to my sister visiting… the sister will drive 1 hour to see her and then she will wear a face mask and refuse to let my sister in the house because she has Covid. Mad stuff like that… is it attention seeking or just being difficult?

Do they ever invite you to stay at the holiday home? Do you go to the UK to see them?

Honestly OP just stop doing it.

I do visit them in the uk 3 times a year. We don’t stay with them because I know she wouldn’t be able for that pressure. We stay with my brother and go over for dinner.

interesting you ask about the holiday home, my mum always wants me to go there but it is 5 hours drive and it is difficult driving on small roads. If I went there I would have to stay at least 3 days and I’m not sure she would actually be emotionally able for 3 days of us. It is the kind of place that if it is sunny you can have a great time in the sea on the lake.. climbing mountains but if it rains there is nothing to do.

That is what I decided to do this year because I just don’t believe the line about the drive… I just think it doesn’t add up and it annoys me that my dad keeps saying it every year.

i guess the reason I asked an anonymous audience is because when I spoke to my brother he kind of said “don’t be difficult, just do it. Things are hard enough for dad and they really want to see you. It is the end of their trip and they don’t want to do more driving”

Oh you see I do find that odd. You are welcome to stay at their holiday home but you don’t want to drive 5 hours to see them…even though it is a 12 hour drive for them and you are asking them to add on more to stay at your house. I come from a country where a five hour drive is nothing to be honest, we would go up on a Friday afternoon and back on a Sunday morning and only do the two nights if it’s a struggle with her emotional personality.

Thanks for this perspective. They start and end their journey 1 hour and 35 mins from my house. Whereas I would have to drive 10 hours to get to their holiday home. They also come when the kids are in school because the ferry is cheaper. So I would have to drive on a Friday night and back on a Sunday. If the weather is good it is a nice place to be but if it isn’t I would have to drive to a big town (45 mins ). Staying in her house all day with 3 kids would definitely stress her out

Maybe I should clarify I don’t mind doing the 3.5 hour round trip for a day trip. As in if they got there at 12. I just don’t want to do it for a dinner, but the really thing that is annoying me is the thing about the drive. If they said they didn’t want to stay in my house because I have an indoor dog I would accept that (I do have an indoor dog and as a child we had outdoor dogs, but they claim to like the dog).

Get you don’t want to do the drive but if it helps at all, it really annoys me when I visit my home city and my old friends who live in commuter towns expect me to travel to them when I have already travelled so far.

Fair enough, I wasn’t here for everyone to just agree with me. I trying to display it in a very objective light and I like different perspectives.

when I return to my old town I like don’t mind travelling out to other towns to go to people’s houses. If they do want to host I’m always happy, especially people with kids. If both sets of kids are happy playing with new toys/ friends everyone is a winner. If people don’t want to host I’m happy to meet them on the beach. I think both are nice. I do like the kids to have something to do though because otherwise as a parent you are just managing behaviour and not really interacting.

my mum has significant mobility issues and she struggles socially. so I kind of feel like a family home is a better option for her. I cook really well and I have a nice bed for them.

I guess I’m offended because they have to go for dinner after their trip, they like that place and the only way they can be bothered to see me is if I tag along to somewhere they want to go anyway. They don’t care if it a school day or a weekend. They want us to meet them for their dinner at 8pm. I think that is rude.

Thanks all for the balanced views. This actually happens every year they call me the day before they travel telling me they will meet me on their very final day in “the little chef” equivalent.

They build in time to meet with their siblings but I’m just a quick meal in an inconvenient spot. It makes me feel like I’m not valued enough or important enough to be given any actual quality time. I think I have accepted it won’t change, so I have to just go there or not see them.

Angry 15 year old DD. Help. I work extremely hard to do everything for everyone, my family, extended family, at work, I’m actually jeopardising my own health stretched myself to the limit just because I care and I want everyone to have the best chance in life and the best things and care that I can possibly give. My DD 15, is constantly argueing with me, she’s upset that I check on her, that I ask if she did her homework, about everything really. She’s turned off her location for two hours and I go crazy with worry, and then she’s mad at me for asking why… She says she’s not allowed to do anything which is not true, there is just some mild limit to what she’s allowed (eg she has two holes in each ear but I won’t allow a nose piercing); she’s not allowed eyebrow slit. I tell her her homework is overdue (I get email notification) and she gets beyond angry and argues it’s not true. She gets so so mean and shouty and treats me disrespectfully and she is hurtful. I cooked her nice dinner, she didn’t even help or clear up (I was happy to do it as she’s been at school) and then she started blaming me for herself being unhappy because I’m apparently always worrying about her. I just can believe the things she says , she was always such a kind and thoughtful girl . My husband has cancer, quite a bad one that is not easily treated and we’re praying for a miracle. This has been 1.5 years now. You’d think at times like that everyone would try to be kinder and nicer, but she’s not seeing it. I’m begging her to lower her voice so dad doesn’t hear us and get upset, she says “it’s your fault for starting it!”. I just don’t know what to do and how to handle her. I don’t hold a grudge and try to behave as if nothing happened, and she says “oh now you’re all nice” in a really mean and smirky way. She says “I don’t care anymore, I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to see you”. It’s like she’s possessed. I’m worried about what is going to happen to our family. My other dd is away at uni, my husband, I don’t know how long he has left to live, I don’t want my little girl to hate me so much, especially after I haven’t done anything bad. I just give give give. I’m scared to forbid her things as she’s self harmed before. And she says it’s my fault she is angry, because of me being worried about her. I know a lot of teens are angry but I can’t recognise my child any more and I’m so worried that she’s becoming a mean person that doesn’t love her family or herself anymore. (She says she’s nothing to look at because I don’t allow nose piercing, eyebrow slit and to colour her hair!). Any advice most welcome please!