To wonder if it’s truly possible to marry well when you’re estranged (by choice) from family?

[StillWatersRunWise]

Whether it’s due to chaos, dysfunction or a conscious choice for your own peace, estrangement can be necessary. But I still wonder, does being estranged quietly affect your chances of marrying well? Not because you’re any less worthy but practically, things like lack of family support, different models of relationships or even how others perceive you.

Has anyone else thought about this?

When you say "marrying well" what do you mean?! Into the gentry?!

People definitely perceive you differently, not sympathetically but as somehow 'less than', there's a stigma attached. And I guess a prospective partner from a close knit family might look for the same in you

It depends what you mean by marrying well.

Having abusive, alcoholic, drug addled parents did impact on my choice of relationships - as a teen I refused to date anyone who drank alcohol. Rather limited the field!

After therapy I have a more 'normal' (for want of a better word) attitude to it.

I think not being estranged from a violent abusive family might impact your chances of marrying someone from a more normal (again for want of a better word) because they'll be far less likely to want to be surrounded by violence or abusive behaviours.

Certainly my DH would likely have been scared off had I been in contact with my family - he wouldn't have had his DS anywhere near that shower and I don't bloody blame him either.

I just meant someone kind, stable, emotionally mature and secure, someone who genuinely adds to your life. Marrying well in the sense of alignment, support and long-term wellbeing, not just financially or socially but emotionally too. I do wonder if people without close family ties are sometimes seen as “riskier” prospects, even when they’ve done the hard work to heal and build a good life.

Maybe worry about supporting yourself instead on marrying for money. That’s the bit that’s more important.

If you speak from
an emotional point of view surely cutting out people who are harmful would be a green flag not a red flag.

I agree with you as lacking secure attachment as a child makes forming and sustaining relationships more difficult.

I guess its hard because you're also asking someone to step into dysfunction. Or at least potential dysfunction.

It's better now. But had i know everything that would happen with my inlaws and who they are I would not have chosen DH.

I always tell friends and younger relatives to screen their BF/GF parents and family with detail that would make the FBI proud.

No. Never thought about this ever...

Depends on the person. The person you want to marry may understand. Their family may not, atleast not as well as the person would.

If it's a close minded person who can't understand lives besides the socially accepted/"normal" relationships and family, then they will judge you negatively for being estranged from your family members. Otherwise, you'll be fine.

You certainly wouldn't want to marry the former though.

I don't really understand your reasoning.

If you come from a dysfunctional, chaotic family and you are still in contact with them then yes I think it would impact your chances of marrying a person from a more stable family.

But if you are estranged from your dysfunctional family by choice because you don't want to live their life style then I don't see how that can adversely affecting your chances of marrying someone " decent". In fact it says a lot for your character that you have rejected undesirable values. You have made a positive choice to live your life by different values to your birth family.

I think it depends how much work you’ve done to heal The wounds.

I think work on yourself first, work on all the trauma and develop health and strong boundaries for yourself. Learn to respect yourself first before you expect this from anyone else. Do the work on yourself. Then you will have options and not pick the first man that comes along.

I think it's probably less likely but not impossible to "marry well" as you put it.
I read/heard someone say that long term partners often had the same childhood (emotional) wounds but dealt with them in opposite ways. I think there's truth in that and partners often have things in their backgrounds that link them in some way. Interesting thought OP.

I think when you don't have a model of how women should be treated in healthy relationships, you have more chances to marry an uncaring person.

DH was estranged from his abusive parents when we met.
His distancing himself from them at a very young age was his only choice of a safe and peaceful life.

He's such a lovely, loving man who has worked hard to build a happy life away from his pretty grim upbringing and family.

I'm from a very stable and loving background and my family welcomed him with open arms. We've had a long and happy marriage and I struck gold with him.

When love comes along, it's the person not their background that counts.