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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

By asking DH to do more

15 replies

Naturallyb · 05/09/2025 06:39

I prepare food 1-2 (sometime 3 on odd ocassions) times per day - 5-6 days per week, wash up dishes 2-3 times per day 5-6 days per week (except for dinner dishes Wed, Fri, Sat and Sun, my D does Fri and Sat and DH does Wed and Sunday), organise weekly food shop, all the cleaning - hoovering, mopping and dusting down stairs. My D hoovers up stairs and i dust. clean the 2 bathrooms, iron my own clothes, and pay the larger (2/3rds) part of the bills and mortgage, including weekly food shop and maintain the holiday travel costs and travel insurance minus the spending money (when we go away)

DH prepares dinner once/twice per week, does dinner dishes twice per week, does the family's laundry every week and irons their clothes only, makes the bed daily if your last in it, change the bed when it needs changing, contributes to the bills, including top up when a bit more needs to be paid, i.e. during winter months. Does the garden when needed during the summer months, puts out the bins.

DH now works part time 1-3 days per week following major surgery 3 years ago. And is studying for a degree via OU.

I work full time from home.

DH thinks they do more than most, and that by me asking them to contribute more i want them under the thumb and to fail.

AIBU

OP posts:
RhaenysRocks · 05/09/2025 06:45

When he says most I assume he means most men...most of whom will not be working part time. What exactly do you want him to do above what he already is? If you accept he can't work ft due to his surgery and the studying is career focused for future advancement, that's fair enough. If you happen to earn more so pay a greater share of the bills, that's fair enough. You both do a reasonable amount. I'm not sure I'd be working out a tally in quite the way you have but if you feel hard done by try and work out exactly which element you'd want him to pick up.

UncertainPerson · 05/09/2025 06:47

We found it really helpful to note all the chores onto an app (used a free one called Flatastic but there are so many). It helped DH to ‘see’ the list as talking wasn’t going that well. Is your DH disabled, if he’s cut down work after an op? If yes, you may need accommodations. If you have kids, you can add them to the app too. It work much better with my kids than me ‘nagging’.

Comedycook · 05/09/2025 06:48

Yanbu...he should probably be doing slightly more than half imo considering you are the one who works full time....

northernlightnights · 05/09/2025 06:49

preparing food 1-2 times per day presumably includes pouring a bowl of cereal at breakfast ….hardly a chore

all the washing up….get a dishwasher

“organise” weekly shop - I don’t know people make this out to be a “job”

depends what “more” you are asking him to do? If you were a man asking his wife to earn more post surgery then you’d get your arse handed to on MN

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 05/09/2025 06:52

Why isn’t he contributing more financially?
Why doesn’t he iron your clothes?

Naturallyb · 05/09/2025 06:52

@RhaenysRocks A bit more of the cooking.

OP posts:
MayaPinion · 05/09/2025 06:54

They’re part time. They should be picking up the vast majority of the domestic work as the de facto housekeeper. That’s how it normally works in families. This is so that both people get equal leisure time.

RhaenysRocks · 05/09/2025 07:08

Naturallyb · 05/09/2025 06:52

@RhaenysRocks A bit more of the cooking.

Ok well that's an easy fix then isn't it. Just ask him to pick a couple of extra meals or days and to sort it out. It's irrelevant what happens in other houses..every set up is different.

Naturallyb · 05/09/2025 07:11

@northernlightnights we dont eat cereal. Its usually yogurts berries nuts and seeds or a cooked breakfast, if not breakfast then I do lunch and dinner.

I should have said we both have health conditions. I have chronic pain and hand arthritis which make daily activity difficult and DH is on meds post op.

OP posts:
Naturallyb · 05/09/2025 07:13

@RhaenysRocks , I have but DH doesn't like cooking so doesn't want to.

OP posts:
RhaenysRocks · 05/09/2025 07:40

Naturallyb · 05/09/2025 07:13

@RhaenysRocks , I have but DH doesn't like cooking so doesn't want to.

Then he doesnt eat. FFS..an adult doesn't get to opt out of such a basic life task. It doesn't have to be anything more complex than beans on toast or putting a ready meal in the oven. My kids did that age ten.

RhaenysRocks · 05/09/2025 07:42

This often comes up on here. I don't think meal prep is an equivalent to putting the bins out. Thats once a week and takes no thought, preparatory planning. 2/3 meals a day is an endless grind. He absolutely does have to pitch in with this.

brunettemic · 05/09/2025 07:42

How is someone washing up 21 times a week?!?

Midnightlove · 05/09/2025 09:33

Is DH bothered about eating elaborate meals? Or would he be happy with something easier?

Nearly50omg · 05/09/2025 09:48

Naturallyb · 05/09/2025 07:13

@RhaenysRocks , I have but DH doesn't like cooking so doesn't want to.

No one likes cooking daily but we have to eat so there we go!!

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