Manager said hugging it out was the best solution to solve our conflict - is this ok?

[livingthesimplelife]

Would appreciate any thoughts
I work in a large engineering firm, mainly men. A manager who I have had difficulties with (think ignoring emails and teams for weeks because I didn't attend an optional away day, giving everyone in his team except me bonuses for no reason - not underperforming/performing less of a standard etc.). I had a meeting with him to talk about how I felt the ignoring was unjustified - cut a long story short, I got upset and tried to walk away to calm down - he grabbed my wrist (albeit lightly) and told me to stay to sort it out, and then said it's best if we hug it out. I did hug him as I felt obliged but just thinking now - i really feel that was unprofessional. How would you react?

Errrm ok.

Suck it up like literally no-one advised you to do.

Come on, it’s stressful and intimidating, and most of us need a job.

This time when you go to HR, you can tell them you already tried discussing the discrimination and lack of bonus, and it resulted in you being harassed, by him telling you to hug him.

Why did he think a hug would fix it, rather than making sure you got a bonus as well, or discussing the areas you need to improve on to get a bonus in future (if he truly thinks you haven't deserved one,) or something like that, professional and appropriate?

I have been the only woman in the department for much of my career, so solidarity. It gets very tiresome at times.

You can absolutely decline to have mediation with someone who touched you without consent..fawning and freezing are normal when someone does something as inappropriate this. Is there a union for support? Hope so. Sorry this is happening

Come on did this really happen??

What have I just read. Yes, you absolutely should suck it up and work with HR this time to ensure this guy gets appropriately dealt with - don’t welch out again. He is completely out of order. And as a pp said, in your email to HR, make it very clear how the hug made you feel and that in no way did you want to do so - you felt pressured to at the time.

Ugh…the man makes my skin crawl and I’ve not even met him.

Is there a union you can join. or something like https://www.wes.org.uk/membership/
( I don't know how much use they'd be but its worth asking)

Make a note of all the incidences when he has ignored you PDF print emails . Any other comments or nonsense. and report him!

This.

That's sexual harassment. No one gets to force you into an intimate situation where you don't get to have boundaries on your body. No one gets to demand a hug. Do not be ashamed that you acquiesced at the time. The standard reactions to danger are Fight, Flight, Freeze and Faun to deflect the danger, and you were in a situation where you were prevented from Fight or Flight. That doesn't mean you consented to this invasion of your bodily autonomy. He's an abusive arsehole who needs to have his arse handed to him pronto.

Its not exactly an easy decision to make and enact. She'll most likely still have to work with him after as well as going through the process.
It's obviously the right thing to do, but don't be so dismissive of what is a hard situation to deal with.

Yeah I don’t hug my colleagues… we’re not children.

Are you in the UK? This is beyond weird and unprofessional.

Speak to your union, ACAS or a solicitor first so you know what your rights are.

Gross. Sympathies.

Nice comment, that is why women don’t reports things, because people like you don’t believe them

He sounds repulsive.
Report to HR. Insist that they attend if they tell you to meet him F2F.
If that doesn't work, go to your union.

I had a male manager, after a disagreement try to go in for a hug.

I didn't realise how forcefully I said 'do not touch me' but after colleague heard and was baffled.

I think this was the start of the demise in our working relationship. The next year was typified by me being gaslit, ignored, treated differently...all because I put in a boundary.

Thankfully he then left.

Please make sure you keep evidence of absolutely everything he has said or done. Write down any verbal interaction that is inappropriate and keep dates.