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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

First day at school nursery

32 replies

Mirrorcushion · 04/09/2025 20:36

I should start by saying that I’m in no way a parent who sees their child with blinkers. I’m fully aware of all aspects of my child’s personality and traits and can fully admit when he does something wrong.

Today was his first day at the school nursery. Just 3 hours a day to prepare him for going into reception next year. To get used to all aspects of being in the school environment and embrace the highs and lows of that.

I’m a SAHM so DS has never been in any type of setting before. The nursery did a home visit before the summer holidays so they’re aware of this.

At the end of the session today, the teacher said if anybody wanted to know how their child’s day had been, to hang around at the end and she would let us know. When it got to my turn, I asked how DS had got on and the teacher said he’d had a good morning “but he’s quite wilful…. Would you say he was usually quite wilful?” He is but he’s also very compliant if something is explained to him. She then went on to explain (her side of the story) that DS had “refused to sit down on the carpet when everyone else was sat down”. She said that she had given the other children lots of encouragement and eventually DS had warmed up and come and sat down of his own accord.

Later on when I asked DS about it, his version is that he had been playing with an activity and the children had been asked to come and sit on the carpet. DS admits he didn’t do this and continued playing. TA snatched the activity away and tidied it. DS then sat underneath the table because he didn’t want the teachers to see him. Class teacher lifts the table up and moves it away and then lifts DS over to the carpet area. After standing there, TA then comes, lifts him up and places him on his bottom on the carpet.

DS should have stopped the activity and gone to the carpet when asked. I understand why the activity was taken from him and put away. I even understand to a degree why the table was moved and he was placed on the carpet area. However, the thing that has really irked me is how, on his very first morning at nursery, after having never been in a setting before, having never been asked or expected to sit on a carpet in a group before (surrounded by all the toys and equipment he’d only just discovered), the TA felt it was ok to force him to sit.

I feel like children do need to be compliant when they are one of many. However, he’s 3. He’s in a new environment and is trying to find his feet. Yes he should be listening but really? He was stood on the carpet, I don’t understand why they felt the need to push it further.

I’m not sure whether to mention it tomorrow or whether to leave it and see how things progress.

*the physical lifting seems slightly OTT to me. When there’s 14 children in the class and there was no mention in either side of the story of DS being disruptive, being vocal or affecting the other children in any way.

OP posts:

Dramatic · 04/09/2025 20:41

I would imagine they're trying to enforce the boundaries early on, if children think they can stand, dance, do handstands on the carpet (or just not do it at all) then they will all take the piss and it'll be chaos. I wouldn't be at all bothered by this.

DailyEnergyCrisis · 04/09/2025 20:42

School nurseries do tend to be more structured with higher behavioural expectations. If the teacher is asking them to sit down and they all choose to do their own thing as you’re suggesting your DS does, they’ll lose control quickly and there won’t be the learning/structure that school nurseries are asked to deliver.
I’d have put him in a private day nursery if you’re looking for a free play environment.

PrincessOfPreschool · 04/09/2025 20:55

It's not how I would handle things on a first day. However:

You have a 3 year old's version of events. How do you know they didn't ask him nicely to sit down and he yelled 'no' in their face?
I wonder how long this disruption went on. If the teacher was the one bringing him to the carpet then she was focused on him and not the 13 other children. That couldn't go on for too long.

Sometimes parents think their kids are compliant because they are not often asked to do things they don't want to do, or because children understand their home boundaries so don't overstep them.

I really wouldn't choose to complain about this. You could clarify what happened yesterday if you want, more of a "I just want to check, is this what happened?" than "I don't think you should have physically handled him or forced him to sit down." That will really show you up as a precious parent.

I would let this one go and he will definitely get better and learn the nursery rules. I'm sure he'll be a delight in a month if you let them handle things their way.

Beryls · 04/09/2025 21:04

It's just setting a boundary early on that's all. If they let him do what he wanted today it would be confusing for him next time if he wasn't allowed to keep doing wjat he wanted. He knows what he needs to do now because they showed him the expectation. He'll be fine.

MargaretThursday · 04/09/2025 21:12

Having had a boy who preferred to do his own thing, then actually they're doing him a favour by being clear with him. The worst thing with ds was they gave him a couple of weeks "to settle down".
So he then thought "no" was an option and was terribly upset when it wasn't - and very indignant because as far as he was concerned, they'd said "time to sit down for a story" as always, he'd said "no" as always and the rules had changed.
So the next time he thought maybe the rule had just been yesterday, so said "no" again. So it was a fight to get him to realise it wasn't negotiable - because it had been at first, so why wasn't it, what had changed?

If he'd been told the first time, he'd have accepted the rule very quickly.

Explain to him that he has to do what the teachers say, and what the others are doing, and he'll find life easier.

alphabetti · 04/09/2025 21:16

He’s only little and in a new environment but if they don’t enforce everyone following the rules the class will end up in chaos! Work with the teaching staff not against them. With the ratios the government set they need all the children in a set routine.

My daughter been at private nursery since 9mth and just started reception this week. She knows the expectations of sitting on carpet when told and eating nicely at table at lunch time. If nursery had not set this routine and expectations she may have struggled this week

SJ198 · 04/09/2025 21:18

This is what school nursery is like. Yes, it is pretty full on for 3-4 year olds in their first weeks. But they generally have a lot of children to look after (if there is a qualified teacher in the classroom they can have larger ratios) and there is a high expectation for kids to behave in a school like way from the start. As a PP said, the rules are hammered in from the get go,

I’m glad I sent my very strong willed son to a school nursery from 3.5. We moved house and we wanted to use a private nursery for the year long care, but there was no space. He found it hard going at first and, if we didn’t have to work, I would have considered pulling him. But actually, it set him up extremely well for reception, which he sailed through behaviour wise. Ended up getting an end of year behaviour award which I would not have expected 18 months earlier!

In the nicest way, in the classroom sometimes the kids need to just follow instructions, without a lengthy explanation to get them onboard. It is very full on when your 3 year old is on the receiving end and seems to be the ‘bad kid’ (we had that for weeks). But I wouldn’t go rushing in saying something tomorrow, I’d give it more time - forever glad we did.

Cakeandusername · 04/09/2025 21:25

I’d just reinforce to him he needs to listen and do what the teacher says. I wouldn’t say anything to school. I also wouldn’t get into long conversations with him about teacher said you did x, he’s small and school dealt with it just move on. Focus on positives - who he played with, what activities did he like. He’ll soon get used to it.

GeorgeClooneyshouldhavemarriedme · 04/09/2025 21:33

His very first day in a school setting and you are already talking in terms of " her version" and " his version"

The next thirteen years are going to be a long hard slog unless you learn to trust the teachers.

Workhomework · 04/09/2025 21:37

Ex nursery teacher. I'd have never done this. I'd have encouraged and praised the children who were sitting. I would have packed up the activity and had the TA sit near by him. A few days of encouragement, exciting things happening on the carpet etc and he'd have got it.

themimi · 04/09/2025 21:39

GeorgeClooneyshouldhavemarriedme · 04/09/2025 21:33

His very first day in a school setting and you are already talking in terms of " her version" and " his version"

The next thirteen years are going to be a long hard slog unless you learn to trust the teachers.

Preach (and, is it just me, or does everyone on Mumsnet have the most articulate pre-schoolers? Mine would not have been able to recount anything from the day more than what he'd had for lunch 🤣 - tbf I still don't get much more with a teenager)

lizhmj · 04/09/2025 21:40

Just no way any of mine would have given such detail, and if they did brace yourself for all sorts of stories.

Hercisback1 · 04/09/2025 21:42

I'd let it go. He's never been in a setting before, he's going to have teething issues. Did you do any grouos/playgroups with him?

Remind him to listen to the teachers and leave it be.

I remember the day my 3yo told me they'd been to the moon in nursery. After that I ignored most of the rest of what he said.

friskery · 04/09/2025 21:42

The teacher wanted to get on with the activity and the other children were all waiting so I can see why the TA physically moved him.

There is a crowd control element to a nursery class and the teacher probably wants to set expectations early on.

moppety · 04/09/2025 21:43

I do think with some older children that have never been in childcare, it takes them a while to get used to not being the ‘main character’ because it’s their first real experience of their wants and needs not being the most important thing in the room. I’d just say ‘Well now you know what to do next time!’

HiCandles · 04/09/2025 21:43

Hmm tricky one as I do agree with you physically picking him up seems rather drastic. But we really don't know the whole truth. And I can well imagine that the staff might've been annoyed by him hiding under a table. It's one thing not to want to stop playing and sit on the carpet, but quite another to deliberately defy them.
I know this is his first educational setting of any kind, but surely you've attended playgroups/toddler group/stay and play and the like? Didn't they have snack time all together, or singing time? Or library rhyme time all sitting together? Or any kind of organised session like preschool football, gymnastics or athletic kids? All of these I've either attended with my preschoolers or seen them going on in the park etc and they all have some element of structure, following the rules, sitting waiting etc?

SallyD00lally · 04/09/2025 21:46

Ahh so you feel children need to be compliant, just not your child.

You had me at the TA 'snatched' the activity away.

DollyMixers · 04/09/2025 21:50

Just to go ever so slightly against the grain, I voted yes yabu, however my 3 year old would be able to tell me in detail and reliably what happened so I wanted to back that bit up as being plausible because some posters seem to have issue with that one specific detail. 😂
on the other hand, I will say that I wouldn’t bring it up, they have a lot of children and as it’s your child’s first time in nursery they do need to get used to the rules, they can’t be letting them do whatever they want as they will lose control of the room.
I echo what a previous poster said about your dc just needs to learn they’re not the ‘main character’ as it were, it’s very different to being one on one with you etc.

lizhmj · 04/09/2025 21:54

DollyMixers · 04/09/2025 21:50

Oh absolutely, I agree. And mine could and do. However, I have learnt the hard way that accuracy and detail are two different matters. And for a child of that age in the first day of a setting like that I would suspect the later.

BendingSpoons · 04/09/2025 22:05

It's likely it didn't happen quite how your son perceived it.
'Snatched the toys' may equal 'tidied the toys up after asking several times and firmly asked him to hand over the last bit'
'Lifted the table up' may be 'pulled the table back so he didn't bang his head'

I would be surprised if they were physically lifting and moving children in that situation i.e. nothing dangerous. Is it possible they guided him to move/sit down instead?

I would see how things go over the next week or two.

User415373 · 04/09/2025 22:10

He's 3 and recounted all of that to you?!
Or maybe he was worried about you getting funny about, asking him about it, and so just made something up? Maybe you kept asking questions? Your school experience isn't going to go well if this is how you approach things.
My 4yo told me today that a unicorn had been in her room and messed it all up. Better start looking for the bastard or my house is going to be a tip.

NuffSaidSam · 04/09/2025 22:11

Like you said, he's not been in this environment before so he doesn't know what to do and that's why they showed him. Some children do need to be physically shown when they are unwilling or unable to follow verbal instructions. If they were rough with him then that's obviously unacceptable, but if she gently put him where he needed to be that's fine (and necessary).

BusMumsHoliday · 04/09/2025 22:17

I absolutely have willful children. And I think if the instruction is to come to the carpet and a toddler doesn't, then you calmly physically move them. They are 3. I physically move my almost 3 year old all the time!

You're being precious. He wasn't held down against his will. He was physically prompted to sit down.

Part of early years is kids learning that sometimes they need to do things they don't want to do because now is the time to do that thing. Don't undermine that lesson now.

brunettemic · 04/09/2025 22:18

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt by being married to a teacher it’s that the parents always believe their children and refuse to accept the adult is far more likely explaining it “properly”. Admittedly this is high school but the same principles apply, even when shown CCTV they still believe their children.

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 04/09/2025 22:29

I'd take the child's version with a pinch of salt.

My eldest was in school nursery. When they were playing outside, the teachers would lock the nursery door to stop anyone sneaking back in and getting into mischief.

My son claimed they'd all got ready to go outside but he'd been left in the cloakroom. He said he was standing at the door looking out but nobody noticed him, so he just went back to the cloakroom and cried until everyone came back in.

I went in the next day politely said I don't believe this happened but.... and told his tale. The teachers looked puzzled and one of them said he was definitely outside as she distinctly remembered an incident where several boys (including mine) all piled on a trike together and she had to go over and tell them off in case someone got hurt.

I have no idea why my son made that up!

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