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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To choose not to date anymore at 38

22 replies

Honeypotapple · 03/09/2025 23:03

So I have been single for four years after a long term relationship where ex caused a lot of trauma through cheating and lies and left our family. Been to hell and back and finally in a good place.

Already have two wonderful children, I do not want anymore. Life is good. We have a lovely little life. I wake up and I feel happy.

I can’t imagine ever living or having to deal with a man and all the drama that comes with a relationship ever again. Am I crazy to have decided in my late 30s that I am just no longer interested?

OP posts:
SummerNightsDream · 03/09/2025 23:07

Why would it be crazy? No offence but if you are happy with it then why are you starting a thread of questioning it? You wouldn't be if you were 100% happy with your decision?

Comeinupto40 · 03/09/2025 23:09

Not crazy or at all unreasonable. Welcome to the best years of your life!

Cloanie · 03/09/2025 23:10

I’ve been single since I had my children, and they are grown up now. No regrets at all. In fact, happiness. I like life without a man.

SallyD00lally · 03/09/2025 23:13

Am I crazy to have decided in my late 30s that I am just no longer interested?

I mean it's not like you've been to court and made a sworn affidavit about it 🤷‍♀️

You can change your mind or stick to your decision as you see fit.

Itsanewlife · 03/09/2025 23:13

If it ain't broke don't fix it!

Original poster
Honeypotapple · 03/09/2025 23:14

I guess it’s more the pressure from friends/family, like you are almost odd for not wanting to date.

Saying that most of my friends late thirties/ early forties seem miserable in their marriages and yet still think a women ‘needs’ a man.

OP posts:
LemondrizzleShark · 03/09/2025 23:15

Not crazy! DM was widowed at a similar age and has been happily single for the past 40 years. If DH died or I got divorced, I’d stay single too (my relationship is fine, but I wouldn’t want another one).

Firefly1987 · 03/09/2025 23:18

SummerNightsDream · 03/09/2025 23:07

Why would it be crazy? No offence but if you are happy with it then why are you starting a thread of questioning it? You wouldn't be if you were 100% happy with your decision?

I don't think it's true to say someone questioning something couldn't be 100% happy with their decision. You can be happy but almost gaslit by everyone else saying "but don't you want a relationship" etc. just makes you question things. Never underestimate the pressure from society to be anything but gasp single.

Cloanie · 03/09/2025 23:21

Yes, my two best friends don’t fancy their husbands at all. My other two best friends have husbands with no libido. They aren’t all having a romantic sexy time. Far from it.
Some people are just used to the constant company, though, and can’t imagine not having it.

SummerNightsDream · 03/09/2025 23:22

Honeypotapple · 03/09/2025 23:14

I guess it’s more the pressure from friends/family, like you are almost odd for not wanting to date.

Saying that most of my friends late thirties/ early forties seem miserable in their marriages and yet still think a women ‘needs’ a man.

Not experienced that personally, I'm a single parent and it's like people expect me to never date again now and almost seem horrified at single parents dating again (especially see this on mumsnet 😂)

jbm16 · 03/09/2025 23:27

It's your life and if happy then don't see any issues, but don't think it has to be that black and white, you can have differing levels of commitment.

SummerNightsDream · 03/09/2025 23:33

@Firefly1987 I guess it's like the threads where people say how great it is to be single like they are almost trying to convince themselves imo. Like already said it doesn't have to be so black and white

DirtyBird · 04/09/2025 01:59

My DD is only 29 and she told me recently that if her current relationship ended she wouldn’t get into another one, even if it ended now.

I don’t blame her, I wish I had been that way when I was her age. I wasted 30 years of my time and emotions trying to meet someone. It wasn’t worth the heartache especially considering I’m now mid 50s and still single.

ILoveWhales · 04/09/2025 02:02

SummerNightsDream · 03/09/2025 23:07

Why would it be crazy? No offence but if you are happy with it then why are you starting a thread of questioning it? You wouldn't be if you were 100% happy with your decision?

Pretty much this

Do what you want.

Winterinnewyork · 04/09/2025 02:27

Nothing wrong at all with staying single, it sounds like you have a great life just you and your children so why change it? If anyone else has a problem with it just ignore them, it's your life not theirs.

GreyCarpet · 04/09/2025 06:53

Honeypotapple · 03/09/2025 23:14

I guess it’s more the pressure from friends/family, like you are almost odd for not wanting to date.

Saying that most of my friends late thirties/ early forties seem miserable in their marriages and yet still think a women ‘needs’ a man.

That's why a lot of women (people) stay in unhappy relationships though. They think it's better than the alternative.

You don't.

If you meet someome in 1, 5, 10 years time who makes you feel differently about it then fair enough but if you're happy now, do what makes you happy.

If what they say is you should be getting onto dating apps, then I really don't see the point. But don't talk yourself into a corner with others. But if you incidentally get chatting to someone on real life, enjoy their company amd they ask you for your number and you'd like to spend more time with them that's fine too.

ILoveWhales · 04/09/2025 07:12

GreyCarpet · 04/09/2025 06:53

That's why a lot of women (people) stay in unhappy relationships though. They think it's better than the alternative.

You don't.

If you meet someome in 1, 5, 10 years time who makes you feel differently about it then fair enough but if you're happy now, do what makes you happy.

If what they say is you should be getting onto dating apps, then I really don't see the point. But don't talk yourself into a corner with others. But if you incidentally get chatting to someone on real life, enjoy their company amd they ask you for your number and you'd like to spend more time with them that's fine too.

Show quote history

But if you incidentally get chatting to someone on real life, enjoy their company amd they ask you for your number and you'd like to spend more time with them that's fine too.

Let's be honest how often does that happen in late 30s and 40s etc. They're all married at that age mostly. Hanging around in bars or at sports clubs or gyms or other social occasions getting chatting to a man who asks for your number is actually pretty rare.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 04/09/2025 07:24

You're definitely NBU

I've been single for some years and plan to stay that way. I'm 46. I feel suffocated in a relationship and it becomes too much work dealing with another person's issues. Not worth the benefits of sex and companionship. I'm my own companion and have friends. Sexual needs can be dealt with in other ways. For me, single brings peace and simplicity and a nice solitude.

GeilistheWitch · 04/09/2025 07:32

@Honeypotapple Take a look at the "Marriage/Motherhood warning list" thread about "things we should warn our daughters about" with regard to relationships and you'll find you are really not alone!

Gerardormikey · 04/09/2025 07:34

Good on you.

I used to worry about getting older. Having worked with elderly patients (actually scrap the getting older, I saw it with young people too), I used to worry that when I was ill, I would have no one to advocate for me in hospital. The difference between having a partner to advocate for you and being alone is staggering.

Then, I got ill. I realised that my husband is a bit thick and very much “yes doctor, no doctor, three bags full doctor” and if I had been completely unable to function, he would have contributed to my shit care, poor diagnosis and probable horrendous outcome. He would have got me killed if left up to him, thank fuck I still had a bit of energy to fight for myself.

So there’s no actual use to him anyway.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 04/09/2025 07:42

Oh I feel you @Gerardormikey . Having seen how a close relative was treated and how everything needed to be fought for, it does worry me that I won't have anyone. Wouldn't expect friends to advocate for me. But then I've largely come to terms with dying if I got reslly ill as the NHS is so bad now. It's a sad state of affairs that everything is stacked in favour of those who have family.

QuaintPearlScroller · 04/09/2025 11:11

No not at all in honesty if my 10 year relationship ended now i would absolutely not ever date again I just wouldn’t want to bother with that again plus my dh is my one and only so i. Wouldn’t bring myself to love another man ever

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