To feel a little heartbroken about having a boy

[bm2b]

I already have a daughter and recently found out that this baby is a boy. I feel incredibly grateful to be pregnant again, and I know how lucky I am to be carrying a healthy baby. I already love him, and I know I’ll adore him completely when he arrives. But I’ve been caught off guard by this quiet feeling of sadness that I didn’t expect.

I’m very close to my mum. We speak every day, go on little trips together, help each other out, and are part of each other’s daily lives. I’ve started to build something similar with my daughter, even though she’s still young, and I suppose I imagined continuing that dynamic with another girl.

With a boy, I’m not sure what that relationship will look like in the long term. In so many families I’ve seen, sons gradually become more distant from their parents as they get older, especially once they have partners and children of their own. It often ends up being the wife’s parents who are more involved, while his own mum becomes more of an occasional visitor.

Of course there are exceptions. I can think of the odd “friend of a friend’s cousin” whose son stayed close and prioritised both sides of the family equally, or doesn’t automatically side with his partner when she’s being unfair. But in my experience, that feels like the exception rather than the norm.

I also worry about what raising a boy will be like day to day. I know it’s a stereotype, but the boys I’ve been around — nephews, friends’ kids — tend to be more energetic, more physical, and more chaotic. I’m a bit afraid I won’t enjoy that stage as much, or that I won’t know how to connect with him in the same way.

If anyone has felt this way too, I’d love to hear from you. Especially mums of older boys — did the bond end up being just as close, even if it looked a bit different? What parts of having a son surprised you in a good way?

You'll be absolutely fine. Mine are all boys and they're brilliant :-) I'm really close to them and they're endlessly entertaining. I've certainly had an easier ride with the older ones than friends with daughters have had, but that's likely just luck. In terms of the bond when they're older, it's a different dynamic once they reach adulthood, of course. But my eldest still loves a big hug, we have a good catch up each day (his choice) and he comes to me for advice all the time. That may change as his life changes, but I don't think we'll ever not have a close relationship.

What a weird thing to say.

I have three DCs, DD was first followed by 2ds
I can't recall having any concerns at all about whether each child would be a boy or a girl.
Like you I was grateful that I was carrying, and delivering a healthy baby.
Please don't worry!

This LO will be yours to raise and will have characteristics of you and your DH and your DD will love him and they will play together and learn from each other.
I promise you there will be so many magical moments with plenty of fun, you will be busy, and the time will go by too quickly.

My DC's are adults now, I love them all and we're all very close.
My youngest DS and I are very close. He is a lot like me I guess we think alike we laugh at the same things we appreciate each other's company, we talk to each other all the time. DS1 we're close too, I admire his work ethic, he has a wicked sense of humour, he is so funny, and kind and helpful to those who need help, and so kind to animals, as they all are, because they learned by example.
DD is the glue that holds the family together.
She loves her brothers and DH and I and sometimes we wonder what we would do without her kindness love and consideration.

Your little DS will be a joy from the moment you see him and because he will be your son.
He will grow up loved and cared for and safe within your family, and he will feel treasured by by his family as he learns from you the things that you value and that are important, and this will guide him along.

Read your post back one day, once you have your son. A son can certainly be all the things you've described.

Whatever you do please don't make it into a self fulfilling prophecy.

My MIL has always declared that it's the natural order of things that she will be closer to her DD. And she is. Because she put a lot more effort into her relationship with her DD, favoured her DD, moved thousands of miles to be with her DD and basically makes it clear at every turn that she loves her more.

Don't be that mum.

I only have the one child, a boy, who is now 14. He's close to both myself and my husband (his Dad), and even at 14 still likes a hug from me. Yes, boys are probably more energetic, and more boisterous. However, my son has always been a very loving boy, he's sensitive, doesn't like a lot of noise and chaos around him. Your son will be different from your daughter, but you will enjoy those differences. They're both individuals, with their own personalities. No one knows what the future holds, but I'd like to think my son will remain close to me and my husband as he gets older, perhaps married and has his own family. You can't worry about the unknown and something that may never happen. Enjoy your baby boy!!

Well, if that won't put someone off having a boy, nothing will. 'Think of him as a mini version of your husband! '😂

Joking a bit.

@bm2b YABVU. There is no guarantee that you will have a great relationship with one daughter, let alone two. All children are different, and they may not want to be close to you when they're adults!

Seriously, one of each sounds fab! Count your blessings! 👼

I'm sorry but same. I see this so much that I'm running out of sympathy. It's all about gender stereotypes and fantasy. I can't help but think if it will end up being a self fulfilling prophecy with some people. Like they don't expect the closeness or the bond or whatever, so they behave as if it won't happen anyway. When it's just a little baby that's no better or worse than a daughter.

(FWIW, I'm sure most people fall in love with their baby sons when they arrive, but things like this just comes across unfair to boys. And girls actually. Sorry if this is harsh.)

Why? Why are boys better than girls?

Oh boys are just so special to their mums, wait and see.

Well, if that won't put someone off having a boy, nothing will. 'Think of him as a mini version of your husband!

😆😆

Agreed. Poor wee boy - I feel sorry for him.

As opposed to daughters. Mums tend to be a bit “meh” towards them 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have two sons. I have four female cousins, and grew up with just my mum and two sisters. So I've been surrounded by women and always just imagined I'd have a girl.

I love having boys. I would say yes they are more chaotic and energetic than many of my friends daughters (though not all - ultimately these things are individual!), they're also very loving and warm and funny. Like any child really. I just adore them.

I do sometimes think about the future and the potential distance but ultimately it will be what it will be. I will be there when they're adults in whatever capacity works for them. I sometimes wonder if the problems you describe about distance arise because mums are fearful of distance and try to insert themselves too much?

I think mother-daughter relationships have far more potential for toxicity and weirdness in some ways. The in and out of each other's lives thing isn't for everyone. Mothers and daughters as friends often has a tricky element to it. For what it's worth I have a poor relationship with my own mum. I wanted a mum, not a friend, which isn't fully what I got. But I have a great relationship with my mother in law. My husband is motivated to see his parents and make sure they feel involved and I do too. So it's not necessary for there to be distance. It might just be the approach needs to be different. My mum would have expectations that as my mum we'd do X, Y and Z. My mother in law is pretty careful not to do that which has the effect of keeping us closer to be honest.

All you can do is focus on building a good relationship with your son, and in the future when he's an adult, let it take the shape it takes. I firmly believe that not forcing it or trying to make it a certain way is key. It might look different to your future relationship with your daughter, but that doesn't mean it'll be worse.

@Dundonia what on earth are “boy moms”?

See the “girls are so hormonal” is such a damaging stereotype too.

i had ptsd as a teen from a major life trauma when I was about 11. Funnily enough I had some behavioural issues and wasn’t an easy teen.

not one adult in my life stopped to think hang on, this kid’s been through some shit, that explains a lot, let’s get her some counselling and therapy and get that dealt with.

nope, I was “just hormonal”. I’d try and talk to people, or I’d get upset over something to be told “oh it’s your hormones, you’re making a big deal.

i got not one bit of help, just punished and told I was a horrible person, and that teenage girls were just awful and it was all hormones. My parents would tell everyone how they were struggling with “the hormones” and I was making their lives difficult. And everyone agreed. Even me in the end.

sometimes it isn’t.

I have a dd and swore I would always listen and take her seriously, whatever the issue. And never dismiss her behaviour as hormonal. It seems to have worked as the teen years were relatively ok. Although hanger in both my kids is real- feed them first, then see whether the problem is still a problem..

What the fuck is a “weird and creepy” boy mum?

Are they like Weird & creepy girl dad eg Donald Trump 🤮

2 boys and a girl here. I think your over thinking it. Albeit I had my two boys first, convinced we'd have a third boy but by no means in a disappointed way, obviously told she was a girl and we were floored in shock, no idea why other than we both had a gut feeling it was a third boy to the point we had no girl names nor girl clothes. I don't have any different feeling between my 3, they're all so individual. And fwiw my cuddliest most lovey child is one of my boys. Embrace what you have, the sex of your child is not what makes them.

Take a breath op, and delete this thread from your mind as when he is born you will wonder why on earth you questioned it.

And congrats ♡

The ones who put #boymum on all their social media posts

Op, I've got a boy and a girl. They're both ace. You are being ridiculous. Children are a blessing.

Perhaps this is your wake up call not to treat your MIL that way knowing one day you will be in the same position.

for what it’s worth I have 2 sons and we ar every close. They are a joy.

Shame on you OP. And I don’t say that lightly.

Seriously shame on you for even thinking this way and then wanting reassurance or empathy for feeling the way you do on this post.

It’s offensive, tone deaf, stereotypical, naive and wrong.

Your relationship with your mother is yours. I know a lot of women who can’t stand their mothers and we’re very close to then growing up.

I am actually offended at your thinking and feel
So sorry for your son who despite you saying you will love and adore will feel what you are saying here.

Nothing more to add except count your blessings and stop trying to live your life a particular way. Life does not pan out as expected for anyone. I have two lovely sons who are unbelievably affectionate. And a mother I haven’t spoken to in years. The model you believe to be the norm is simply a construct, you see.

’Heartbroken’ - my oh my.

In what I've seen, "the woman sets the tone for how involved the grandparents are" because the woman sets the tone for parenting in general as she is more proactive and takes on more of the heavier duties (nighttime parenting, timetabling, feeding etc). I think the goal is to raise your son to be an equal partner in parenting, and then he will not naturally "defer" to his wife but rather be a joint planner and decision-maker (this is all imagining that he actually chooses and is able to have children one day - all of which is so many ifs and buts away that it hardly bears spending energy worrying about at the moment). I can't say exactly how to do this as my boys are still very young but it's what I'm hoping to achieve!

Not this again. Bloody hell.

tend to be more energetic, more physical, and more chaotic.

Get a grip.

Are you also assuming your DD won’t like football 🙄