Please tell me I’m paranoid

[Bboo3]

ive been with my partner for 8 months. He had split from his wife and mother of his children months before I met him. His wife has never let him see his children much, it’s going through court. I haven’t met them and I’m keeping out of it! Since she found out about me she has said he can only see them in her house. She invites him round for fish and chips etc. I don’t feel comfortable with him spending so much close time with her. But I don’t to say anything because I’m happy he’s seeing his children. And if that’s the only way then it has to be. Until court tells her she can’t demand these things. I’m not mentioning how I feel because I don’t want to come between him and his children.

Do you don’t trust him? End the relationship then?

Either because he’s isn’t trustworthy or because you can’t deal with a man seeing his children and their mother.

i find it hard to trust after the past I’ve had. No need to be so blunt

Presumably when hes there the children are there too. Its not like he's going to see her.

He wants to maintain a relationship with his children and at the moment this is his only option. Dont make it harder fir him Youre always going to come second to his children, rightly so, if youre going to get paranoid every time he sees her this isnt the relationship for you

Well get help then?

I can’t imagine she’s going to be making a play for her ex when she won’t even let him see the kids out of the house and they are entangled in a court case.

Unless you have other reasons to be suspicious, I do think you might be being paranoid

And nor should you be mentioning anything to do with his kids, you are a partner of 8 months!
Let him and his wife deal with the aftermath of their relationship breaking down and the children.

You either trust him or you don't. They split up for a reason. It will go to court and be resolved so I would just let it go for now.

I’m not mentioning how I feel because I don’t want to come between him and his children.

Good plan. Proves you're not paranoid.

If this fish and chips at hers business has only started since you've been with him, and that's the only way she will allow contact, there's a possibility she is trying to stake her claim now he has someone new. However if she's only ever allowed contact in her presence then I'd have to wonder why she didn't want him seeing the children alone. For every unreasonable ex weaponising children, there's a bunch of women with good reason to restrict contact. Eight months and never having seen him with his children is early days to decide which applies. Its not paranoid to apply due diligence and be vigilant for potential red flags.

I would just leave the whole mess and move on if I were you.

It's a short term relationship, he's still married, he's going through court (although I would be wary of that without a lot of proof), yet his ex is inviting him round for dinner etc, despite being on bad enough terms to drag contact through court.

It's a whole mess, and not likely to get any better. Cut your losses.

It’s really only normal for a wife to want to get back with her husband. Some wives don’t. But it can’t be that unusual.

Sounds like a shit show. I’d get out now before you’ve invested too much time and effort. It may not be his fault, but honestly it’s not your mess and I don’t think it’s going to end up being a great relationship experience for you.

He’s going around to see the children, not her. If he’s not given you any reason to doubt him, then it’s not fair to him to be mistrustful. He split with her after all.

To be honest, this is a new relationship and if there are children involved there will be much harder times ahead than this - if this is the first hurdle you might want to genuine think if this is the right relationship for you.

You been together 8 months - not even a serious relationship yet, you do not get a say in what he does with his wife & kids. Fgs.

I would get out. Similar situation with my DP, since I came on the scene ex does everything in her power for them to spend time together, doesn’t put their DC needs first it’s all about her and even attempts to make me jealous that he goes round there, if I knew what I know now I would have walked away when I could

Since she found out about me she has said he can only see them in her house.

Quite possibly because she believes he will be introducing her children to his next girlfriend too soon.

I don’t feel comfortable with him spending so much close time with her.
Well end the relationship then. You don't seem to be a good candidate for dating a man with children and a past.

You can only control YOUR ACTION not his. If you don't want your boyfriend (and he is a boyfriend, hes not your DP after 8 months) seeing the mother of his kids, you shouldn't really date anyone with kids.

Okay so let's do a timeline.

He was living with the children full time.
Then they broke up - what was the custody schedule then? From day 1? What did they agree on?
Then when did the schedule change? What reason did she give for it changing?
And finally - how did he find time to meet and date you if he was dealing with finding a new place for him and his children to live and start court proceedings - how do you feel about that OP, if it was the other way round do you think you'd have any time or energy to date?

I don’t feel comfortable with him spending so much close time with her

Then you need to end the relationship. It's the only way he can spend time with his children so it's not negotiable I'm afraid. Either leave him or get used to it.