Struggling with my brother favouring his other nieces

[Laursan]

First of, I know there isn’t really anything I can do about this but just looking to see if others would be put out by this.

I have one brother we grew up fairly close, went to uni in the same city so maintained being close into our early 20s. Then we both got married and I stayed out he moved north. I have 3 children all boys ages 2, 4 and 7. My brother’s husband has 2 nieces, 3 and 5.

My brother and his husband clearly dote on these children, they live a similar distance away as we do but they visit them more, they bought them a bloody £5000 rocking horse, £1000 dolls house etc. They all go on holiday with his husbands parents to the Carribean every April, spend every Christmas with them (my parents go on holiday for Christmas now so I understand that it might make more sense to go to the other side but I’d happily host them and have offered to!). Even when we do see them they spend more time bragging about their nieces than actually paying any attention to my boys.

My brother is a bit of a pain when challenged so I have avoided saying anything and they do always make sure to send down gifts for birthdays and Christmas etc.

Sometimes I think it’s because we don’t fit their lifestyle, we aren’t as polished as they are, live a fairly regular life etc. so I often worry that it’s because they feel we are below them. I also think it’s partially them relating more to the nieces hobbies (tennis, ballet etc.) compared to my boys who are all football and messing around in the muck.

One of their nieces started school in August and they made a big deal of visiting for her fist day, posting pics on Facebook etc. My son started this week and I haven’t even had a message asking how it’s going.

I know my kids don’t know or notice as they never do big family meet ups with both sides but it makes me quite sad and feel a bit put out.

AIBU to be upset by this? Would you do anything?

I’m afraid there isn’t really anything to be done. They prefer spending time with the other side of their family, for whatever reason. You can’t change that.

Maybe his husband is the driving force for the family being close and your brother is just a bit shit like a lot of men at keeping in contact.

Though you also mention similar interests between them and the nieces which will also make a difference.

There is nothing you can do about it, voicing it might change it or you’ll just find out that he really doesn’t care.

Also does he even know your son started school this week? I couldn’t tell you what days my husbands nephews school is open yet or not. Could have gone back last week or maybe it’s next week. Could have been today. Dh wouldn’t know either.

Nothing that can be done and we all got favourites. I have five nieces and nephews, and I can’t stand one of them. She’s obnoxious. I really like three of them; the fourth is fine, a bit moody (teenager).

I agree with the previous poster that it's much more likely it's his partner driving the visiting and relationship and that your brother is just not very interested in making the effort with his nephews in the same way.

I would keep the door open but I wouldn’t invest any more into the relationship than he does.

So reciprocate birthday and Christmas cards and presents and message him but don’t visit him if he doesn’t visit you.

I think he’s being short sighted and putting all his eggs in one basket. If he and DH split, he may find those adorable nieces are nowhere around anymore.

I was going to suggest it's likely driven by his husband too. Or husband's sister/parents. I know we spend more time with my side of the family because I'm more family orientated and more organised than DH, although we spend a similar amount of money on both sides.

I didn't vote because I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to be upset but you would be to say something.

Your brother and his husband are adults who are able to choose who they wish to spend their time with. So long as they aren't doing anything hurtful towards your DC like forgetting their birthdays or ignoring them when you are together then theres nothing you can say.

It's a shame it's not how you'd like it to be but sometimes thems the breaks.

Thanks everyone. I’m not sure if it’s super driven by my brothers husband or if my brother himself actually prefers that side too. He thinks his husbands brother and wife are amazing people, if he’s not bragging about the nieces he’s bragging about them, their home, their parenting etc.

Yes it seems kind of obvious that your BIL is the driving force in all this, AND that they probably have more in common with BIL’s sibling than with you and your DH. Do your DB and your BIL get on with your DH? I have totally different relationships with all my siblings and siblings in law, for various reasons. And totally different relationships with their children as a consequence. My feelings for them are all the same; but I’m closer to some than others. It’s just the way it is really.

100%. It’ll be his husband op. He’s clearly much closer to his own family than to yours, and your brother is just following his lead. If his husband was as disinterested as him, no way would he have this sort of relationship with them

Your BIL is just far closer to his family than your brother is to yours.

I’d be guilt tripping my bro and telling him do you even realise your nephew just had his first day at school? Do you even care? Im hurt by your lack of acknowledgment. Have you fallen out with me or what?

You might get a response. Or not. He might be one of these men who doesn’t bother. My dad was like that.

Even if your brother is seemingly in awe of his sil and bil to get that close still requires there to of been a relationship which will have been led by the husband being more family oriented.

Is there a huge difference between families and talking one side mansions and Caribbean while the other is pontins and flats full of damp and now he is too stuck up and trying to forget his humble beginnings?

Would still make him a twat but that’s pretty much the only other option to him just not caring about his extended family.

You need to stop thinking of the cost of what they give, i get your jealous but it doesn’t mean feel very materialistic, if you want more of a relationship, how often do you go and visit them, whay do you do to drive this?

Would you? As the op has at no point commented on how much effort she makes with her brother.

@Laursan see that big nest you were all in as kids growing up? you are being slowly kicked out!!! your parents may start soon too!

This.

We have similar in our family but it’s because my husband is not interested whatsoever in staying in touch, and I am not his social secretary. We live at literally the opposite end of the country and I have never really got to know them so I don’t have a bond. I did try in the early days but I was literally forcing him to see them and that got old quickly. I am very close to my family, so see loads of them. Holidays, weekends away and I spoil my niece and nephew rotten. I wouldn’t dream of doing the same for his nieces and nephews because we barely know them.

I also don’t do the same for another niece whose mum I am not at all close to - we make the typical auntie/uncle effort but nothing like I do with the ones whose mum is my best friend as well as happening to be related.

A large part of relationships with children is linked to the relationship with their parents.

Is it because they're girls? Some gay men just aren't into trad "boy stuff". Do you have the kind of boys who want to talk about football etc, and that's not their thing?

Or is it just that they have the kind of dynamic where he mostly does what his DH wants?

YANBU to feel sad about it, but there's nothing you can or should do. Close relationships, generosity to family members etc are optional. It's natural for you to feel that your dc are the best children on earth, but if they just find these other kids more appealing for whatever reason, you can't make them like yours more than they do.