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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

would i be unreasonable to get my friend a present?

20 replies

helpme402 · 03/09/2025 12:31

my close friend of over 15 years has been struggling for fertility for over 5 years. I know that she's been undergoing treatments to help her conceive and normally she speaks to me all about it. I feel like i'm a shoulder for her to lean on and she does tell me about the failures. Although she doesn't share with the rest of the group.

She suddenly ghosted everyone about a month or two ago but sent memes here and there. I did message to check up and she said all is good and i was just giving her space. i think she ghosted as she is expecting but doesn't want to share until it's safe to do so but knows she can't hold in the excitement if she speak to us.

she's messaged our group asking to meet up and i suspect it's to announce her pregnancy.

would I be unreasonable to get her a small present? i'd only give the gift of she makes an announcement, never before. I'm just so incredibly happy at the thought of it but don't know if it's over stepping a little bit.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 03/09/2025 12:34

I think it's fine but I've never understood the game people are expected to play where you know someone is pregnant and they probably know you know but you both pretend you don't know until they tell you.

Complet · 03/09/2025 12:35

What sort of present? I think it would be a bit odd and might make her paranoid and worry someone who knew might have let slip.

It might also steal her thunder a little bit if she thinks you all already know.

Definitely don’t get anything baby related. For those who struggle with fertility and miscarriages it can be seen as a bit of a bad omen, wait until the baby is here (if that’s what she’s announcing)

By all means send her some chocolates or flowers after.

Pancakeflipper · 03/09/2025 12:36

I'd leave the gift for now - let her tell her news and enjoy every moment. You can take her gift later.

nomas · 03/09/2025 12:37

No, I wouldn't take a present. Send her a present when she's confirmed, but not for the baby.

If she announces and you give her a present, she will be wondering who told you or why you assumed.

DiscoBob · 03/09/2025 12:37

Why not wait and see what she says. Then if it is a pregnancy ask her what she'd like. But don't jump the gun just yet.

Swiftie1878 · 03/09/2025 12:39

Wait till after she’s announced.
She’ll then believe she got away with no-one guessing. Let her have her moment.

ComfortFoodCafe · 03/09/2025 12:49

She might not be pregnant, dont jump the gun turning up with a present is a bit odd.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 03/09/2025 13:08

I wouldn’t. It might not be that, they could have taken time to process and be declaring they’re adopting instead. But mostly she has chosen to keep this very private, so immediate gifts just don’t seem appropriate.

paradisecircus · 03/09/2025 13:13

Wait and see what she says, and get her the present later

bigwhitedog · 03/09/2025 13:18

I wouldn't. Your friend has been through it and as nice a gesture as it is I would worry that you will induce paranoia/anxiety at who told you or how you found out. get her something at a later date.

Cutleryclaire · 03/09/2025 13:20

I think give her a gift a few days later. Giving it straight away somewhat pisses on her chips because it basically says ‘we all knew it was coming anyway’.

BoredZelda · 03/09/2025 13:20

You’d be doing it for you, so you could smugly announce you already knew. That’s never a good thing.

purplecorkheart · 03/09/2025 13:24

Leave it for a couple of days after she announces and then get her a gift.
Otherwise she may wonder if her partner or someone else who knew told you and that can be upsetting, cause mistrust.

It could also reflect badly on you to the group. Like you are being smug about being knowing before them.

ThisIsHowWeDoItThisIsHowWeDoIt · 03/09/2025 13:26

BoredZelda · 03/09/2025 13:20

You’d be doing it for you, so you could smugly announce you already knew. That’s never a good thing.

That what I thought.

Owly11 · 03/09/2025 13:27

That sounds really odd to me.

Clarinet1 · 03/09/2025 13:27

DappledThings · 03/09/2025 12:34

I think it's fine but I've never understood the game people are expected to play where you know someone is pregnant and they probably know you know but you both pretend you don't know until they tell you.

Come on, in a case like this where the woman (the friend) has had a lot of ups and downs with TTC you can’t understand why she might not want to tell everyone before the pregnancy is reasonably far along?

DappledThings · 03/09/2025 13:41

Clarinet1 · 03/09/2025 13:27

Come on, in a case like this where the woman (the friend) has had a lot of ups and downs with TTC you can’t understand why she might not want to tell everyone before the pregnancy is reasonably far along?

Sure, nobody is stopping her. I don't see why that is spoilt by someone bringing her a thoughtful present. OP has said if she is wrong about it she won't be handing over said present.

ThisIsHowWeDoItThisIsHowWeDoIt · 03/09/2025 13:48

DappledThings · 03/09/2025 13:41

Sure, nobody is stopping her. I don't see why that is spoilt by someone bringing her a thoughtful present. OP has said if she is wrong about it she won't be handing over said present.

Because it’s preemptive. And taking over the announcement with a ‘oh, I thought as much’ gift. It might make the friend think that everyone has been talking about her getting pregnant.

Sortalike · 03/09/2025 14:01

I'd be inclined not to buy a gift - if she does announce her pregnancy then shower her with congratulations.

When the time is right, give her a gift - but now isn't that time.

DappledThings · 03/09/2025 14:08

ThisIsHowWeDoItThisIsHowWeDoIt · 03/09/2025 13:48

Because it’s preemptive. And taking over the announcement with a ‘oh, I thought as much’ gift. It might make the friend think that everyone has been talking about her getting pregnant.

She surely can't be expecting anyone to be completely surprised though.

Anyway I don't understand the overshadowing/stealing thunder/expecting people to pretend to not guess something very guessable and I don't understand how it in the least detracts from the happy news anyway. But probably best avoided OP as it's clearly not the done thing

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