My dad and the cleaner

[JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch]

Odd one.

DF is a bit of a fantasist, mainly imagining how he might move to this country or that. He does practically travel around a lot with work and refuses to retire, but he has done things like fly out to Spain (from the Middle East) to look at a new housing development, or in the past has wasted months of my time trying to find a London property to invest in, to the point that I instructed a solicitor at his request. In the end these things either don't go anywhere or my mum freaks out and emotionally blackmails my father, and then a little while passes and then it's on to the next. They've also moved house (in the same city) 2-3 times in the past 10 years, which feels a bit odd but whatever. I think he likes feeling important/listened to by the various property developers/salespeople. He's never been very settled. I've slightly tuned it out at this point.

Anyway - my father was here a few months ago, on his way home, and was here while our Polish cleaner was working. He told her he has a Polish passport (true) and was looking at moving to Poland - first I've heard of it but there you go. It now transpires that they exchanged phone numbers and she has offered to help him with looking at different areas of Poland, translating bureaucracy, the logistics of buying Polish property and so on.

He speaks no Polish, and I think there is next to no chance of this actually happening. I think this is just another bit of mental gymnastics for him. But of course she doesn't know him and is taking it extremely seriously. He does not read social cues; she's incredibly generous and giving. It's not a great combination.

My cleaner is absolutely lovely but a) this is so not her job and b) she has a lot on - work, a terminally ill partner, a busy life with church and an allotment and so on. She brought it up again today and I tried to explain that it was very unlikely he was actually moving and to please not spend her time on this, but I don't think I conveyed this well enough.

What do I say, to either of them? "Dad, stop wasting Wera's time" is about the best I've come up with.

I would tell your Dad very firmly that he is to stop wasting Wera's time, he is being selfish and cruel when she has so much else going on in her life.

Tell him that when he has learnt Polish, bought a property, has all his earthly belongings packed up and is just about to leave for the airport, THEN he can ask Wera if she has any last minute tips for him.

I've been on holiday, wonderful place but as a native speaker of English who can read French, I could make head nor tail of it. It is so so different to French or Spanish - to look at, hear or read. Sometimes when you have a grasp of say French, it makes it easier to understand Italian words for example - I hadn't a clue with Polish words.

He hasn't, and likely never would. He's an odd person, both parents are. Refuses to retire and has spent the past fifty years in various challenging mainly African countries, managing mines. He's used to being the white guy in charge with the nice 4x4 and the expat salary, and everyone else being dumb or feckless (as he would see it). He is terrible with people in all sorts of ways, from shouting instead of talking to being racist to going on and on about things when it's clear the listener has tuned out. I'm autistic with ADHD, I suspect he'd meet criteria for a diagnosis.

Because of his work his/their income is high and they have a lot of savings. So in theory they could absolutely move to Poland / buy a London flat / whatever tomorrow, I just know they won't.

It's a Slavic language - easy enough for Russian speakers but very difficult otherwise.

My DD is married to a Pole and lived in Poland (at university there) for 6 years. I can tell you categorically that living there without a good command of the language is well nigh impossible. It's not an easy language either unless you speak another Slavic language. DD was previously at uni in Bulgaria and had some Bulgarian, and even so she really struggled for the first couple of years in Poland and relied heavily on her then-fiancé to manage their lives.

Maybe you could gently tell your dad that he is really not going to be able to manage living there (his attitude however makes sense when you explain that he used to live in various African countries. He would have not spoken the local language/s there either but would have been just fine in his position, so his experience is that you don't need to know any of the native language to live somewhere).

He's used to being the white guy in charge with the nice 4x4 and the expat salary, and everyone else being dumb or feckless (as he would see it). He is terrible with people in all sorts of ways, from shouting instead of talking to being racist to going on and on about things when it's clear the listener has tuned out.

Sorry, OP, I know he’s your dad but he sounds so completely awful, and the type of man I was hoping was disappearing into the mists of time.

I’m feeling so bad for the people who work with or for your dad

I would tell him bluntly to stop wasting Wera’s time.

Sometimes people become more interested in their ancestry/roots the older they get

I think this is spot on

Because he's wasting the cleaner's precious time with her doing a load of wasted research for him. Women's time matters and he's taking the piss.
OP - as others have said, tell the cleaner a version of what you've written here and tell him to pack it in and leave her alone. Get him to remove her contact details from his phone in front of you. And suggest she blocks him anyway. You need to be firm and compassionate towards her - good cleaners are hard to find!

Except DF is all talk - hardly meets the medical diagnostic criteria for bipolar

I didn’t say it did. But I’ve seen BP up close and some of this behaviour matches.

@JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch - don't be an abusive twat as this poster suggests. Both your DH and cleaner are adults - for sure, caution each of them as various posters have suggested. But no need neither to infantilise the cleaner because Women's Time Matters and she is hapless and helpless and needs your protection, nor do you need to wreak electronic destruction, under supervision, on your DH's contacts. But I'm sure you know that 😉. And, he's, the cringe embarrassing factor of all this is high

@Myrtlethepurpleturtle - I don't think you read what the OP said about him.
"He's used to being the white guy in charge with the nice 4x4 and the expat salary, and everyone else being dumb or feckless (as he would see it). He is terrible with people in all sorts of ways, from shouting instead of talking to being racist to going on and on about things when it's clear the listener has tuned out."

There's certainly one abusive twat and it ain't going to be the OP no matter how firm she is.
I'd be wanting to keep the cleaner safe and happy more than risk offending him, even if he was my dad.

Yep - I've read that post (and indeed all posts on this thread).

Why would you? Polish is from a different language group than English, German or French. Slavic languages work and sound different to Germanic or Romance languages.

he must pay her for consultancy time

Have you posted about your dad before? Sounds familiar

Shit him down and make sure she knows he’s talking shit. She’s there to clean, not offer advice about moving to Poland, which he clearly has no intention of doing! He’s wasting her time.

Tell him you'll deal with it and leave her alone, she's too busy and doesn't have time, unless he pays her an upfront fee and an hourly rate for her time whether or not he moves.

Yes, once. I have to say, his / their approach to life makes me so sad. I’m adult and therapise’d enough to know that I didn’t create their problems and can’t solve them, but it still chuffing hurts. His obsession with work, relocating, my inheritance and a few other niche concerns means that he is completely missing out on a relationship with DGC and just time to enjoy himself.

He sounds totally fucking insufferable. Sorry, I know he's your dad and all but he is the sort of person people mean when they moan about old white men.

He is. No need to be sorry!

You aren’t therapised enough yet! Time to do some more work so you can completely detach. It is possible but it’s bloody hard work.

he isn’t missing out like you think he doesn’t think like you, you are projecting your rational feelings onto him, he won’t have them like you do. You can’t save him.

Yes I know that now. I was shocked by how different it is!