AIBU to claim child maintenance

[Haveyouanyjam]

I am step-mum with PR and DSS lives with me. Dad contributes whatever he can (more than the minimum under CMS) but this is limited. Bio mum was visiting once a month but got pregnant again (baby number 4 - two other kids under special guardianship and my DSS) and hasn’t been able to visit since baby was born (a few reasons).

I had always previously said I wouldn’t claim maintenance as it was more important that she spent the money coming to see DSS (it’s a couple of hours on the train).

She randomly asks if DSS needs anything but if we’ve ever said yes then she has never delivered it (for example promised football boots for six months eventually showed up with one 3 sizes too small and not what he asked for despite checking sizing twice). I generally say now that she could either send a bit of money and we would let her know what was bought for him or take him shopping when she sees him. Never sends money and only buys random crap he doesn’t need if she sees him.

If she doesn’t come to visit as soon as she can I am inclined to claim. It won’t be much but could still be put aside for his future.

AIBU?

I don’t understand, does his dad not live with you? Are you the load guardian?

No, we don’t live together primarily due to dad’s mental health. He doesn’t work currently for the same reason. Contributes as a dad as much as he can but this isn’t much financially due to the circumstances.

Your OP doesn't make sense

Does DSS live with you and their father?

So DSS mum and dad don't live with him? Can you claim twice? I mean YANBU at all, and I would be using this to clothe, feed and house him - don't worry about putting away for his future. You're an angel for doing this for him!

I don't know if you can claim CSM but if you can then couldn't you claim from both of them

So are you planning to claim maintenance from both of them? You kid of skim over dad’s contribution but pick mums apart and seem to judge her more too. Does she even have money that would be counted for maintenance?

Sorry, I don’t claim from his dad. He is very present in his life, has him as much as he is able and contributes financially as much as he can, it isn’t much but is more than CMS would require so I wouldn’t claim from him. If he is able to work again he would contribute more we are very open financially.

Meanwhile, his mum has contributed not a penny in the 4 years he has lived here, is sporadic with contact and has chosen to have another child despite knowing this may cause problems with her being able to visit DSS.

I don’t judge. But I think of DSS and what is fair. I do believe all parents should contribute to their child in whatever way they are able. So I am feeling like she should contribute even if it is a bare minimum.

If I didn’t need the money I would put it aside for DSS in his savings.

Yanbu. Child is living with neither parent so both parents need to be contributing financially. Dad is already doing that paying more than CMS amount voluntarily. Mum isn't contributing a penny so absolutely go through CMS.

Well you are judging, but it’s understandable. If you can claim from her then go for it.

Yes of course claim.

Does she have much income? Would you get enough money to make it worth the risk to the mum's relationship with DSS?

I think if you would, and you need it, you should claim. It may be worth speaking to the CSA to check how a claim would work given there are two non-resident parents. It does sound like a really complicated situation.

Yanbu and make sure you are claiming the child benefit if he is under age 12.

Of course it makes sense. DSS is her, presumably ex, husbands son. His mum and dad are both a mess so OP has DSS. She presumably got parental rights because neither parent can care for him.

Yes alright, I suppose I do judge - I find it hard to understand her decisions! But my point is, I don’t want my judgment on her choices, or her tendency to be volatile, to impact me making the right decision for DSS. Hence the thread.

She has asked when he’s starting school again (despite being able to find this herself and being on the email list) and then if he needs anything. It feels entirely disingenuous as it’s too late to be asking now and she’s never provided him anything he needs before (despite asking on random occasions over the years). So far I haven’t responded to the second bit (of course, he needs new uniform, school shoes, pe trainers, football boots, bag, shin pads, water bottle - he’s a growing active child) and felt to just say he doesn’t need anything because there’s no point saying he does when it will never materialise.

I don’t think you are letting it affect your decisions to be honest, you are judging her fairly, your DSS deserves more from her and I’d be annoyed too if I were you. But asides from that, she should pay for her child, he also deserves that. Is there any risk of her going for custody of him if you claim or can she not do that?

No chance of her going for custody. She’d have no chance of winning. She also wouldn’t pay the fee to file.

Even more reason to go for it then. Even if she’s on benefits and you only get £5 a week it’s pocket money for him.