to think starting a relationship with a parent is inappropriate?

[ChillieWheeler]

Really looking for other opinions on this as I’m not sure if I’m overreacting. Exh and I have been separated a year, divorced a few months, but have been ‘nesting’ - taking turns over holiday and weekends to live in the family home and take care of two DD’s 4 & 6.

Last week, I found out that exh has been seeing DD1’s old preschool teacher over the summer (old as in, just finished in July before starting reception this week). They went on an outing with the girls, and then he invited her to the house for a ‘play date’ with both our DD’s and hers.

They treated each other as ‘friends’ nothing more, but it feels like such an intrusion on many levels. Firstly because it’s my home. I’m pretty sure he had her here without the girls too, possibly sleeping in my bed which is clearly just not ok.

But more importantly, they can only have been seeing each other for a few weeks. He had already introduced the girls to another ‘friend’ with a dog who they came attached to very quickly. As they already know the teacher, I think they could get attached even quicker, and it just feels ridiculously soon to be involving children It actually feels self serving and like they’re using the kids as an excuse to show how great they are, before they even know where the relationship is going.

She seems very vulnerable and is clearly head over heels - she sent me a load of messages basically asking for permission and saying I hoped it was ok to see the girls in this way! I told her - as she asked - that I couldn’t control what either of them did, but no I absolutely am not comfortable with it. They can do whatever they want together, I just want them to wait before spending time with DD’s!

They’re both saying that the usual 6 months don’t apply because she already knows the girls. But this isn’t the point, as I understand it, waiting isn’t just to suss out if the new person is ok, it’s to see what’s going to happen with the relationship before the children get attached and then disappointed.

Anyway, I know I ultimately cant dictate what they do, but I have said that the nesting arrangement is clearly no longer working and we need a new plan. However, my issue is that the preschool where she works is attached to the girls primary. And my eldest came home after the first day back to say that she’d come over to say hello. I’m sure it was all lovely and innocent, but that doesn’t feel right to me. Surely that’s breaching some kind of professional boundary?

If it persisted, I think I’d want to talk to the preschool management - is that ridiculous? At drop off and pick up I was feeling so anxious about seeing her, and I really don’t want her intruding in that way. Sorry this ended up being so long. Thank you if you’ve made it this far. Any talking sense, advice, or just that I have to suck it up gratefully received!

The rules about dating and education staff apply to students, not parents or other family members.

If it was an affair and the staff member knew the parents were still together then there may be a ‘damaging the employees reputation’ issue - but as you’ve said you already split up it’s not even that.

Yes, many would see it as tasteless but there are no rules against tasteless.

Talking to daughter in playground. Very common and likely does same to plenty of other ex pre school pupils when see them. Our nursery staff certainly do.

Nesting wise - sounds time for some ground rules for both of you (even if you don’t think you’d ever consider not following them). Eg. No overnight adult guests on the premises.

He is determined to ruin any decent relationship between the two of you, putting himself before his children.
Another foolish selfish man.

You sounded like a very well balanced person and much more grown up than your ex op.

I personally wouldn't report her. Your husband is irresponsible, introducing his girlfriends to the children so quickly. The nesting arrangement should end as quickly as possible and you should start to create more distance between you and your ex. Sell the house and get everything separated completely and only text about the children.

I think you need to have a sit down with your ex and agree some boundaries. Obviously you're both going to move on and that involves dating but in order for your "nesting" thing to work in the best interests of the girls there has to be ground rules.

You're absolutely spot on about the risk not just being about who the person is but it's how serious the relationship is and what that will feel like for the girls when women or men are coming into their lives and making lots of effort and then just leaving them again when the relationship ends. It's not fair.

I think you both need to try to come to an agreement that you don't involve your children on dates for a number of months and you don't bring other people to the girls family home even when they're not there.

I'd look to separate fully and forget the idea of nesting. It sounds like it's maybe worked as a transition and now you've outgrown it. I would also try to reinforce that this is about trying to be cautious because you want to be able to keep working together for the girls.

And I wouldn't report her - she sounds naieve but she's not the issue - it's his obligation to be protecting his kids feelings so the responsibility lies with him

This happened in a nursery I worked at but whilst the child was still attending. Nothing could be done about it because there wasn't any policy about it at the time. There was one put in afterwards as it actually got quite messy!

It is her home, they’re sharing for the kids but it’s still her home. He should have more respect and so should the teacher.

Where did she get your phone number from? If that came from nursery records then yes you should report her.

OP has clarified that a bit more

When I posted it was just "we share the house between us"

My opinion:

• It's ok for him to see her.
• He should not have brought her in to your DD's lives yet.
• He should not have brought her into the nesting house at all. Not ok.
• Not an employer situation.

In terms of telling her employer, I don't think you will need to - I would imagine they already know, primary schools are relatively small places & gossip travels fast.

As others have said, she & your exH probably waited until your children moved on from the nursery so technically she has done nothing wrong but I would be surprised if the senior management of the nursery and school don't share most posters view of this situation.

I don’t think it’s ideal, but I don’t actually think it’s wrong. On the plus side you know this woman is a decent person to have around your children. Although I understand why you would be hurt, I’d try and look at this objectively.

How old are they?

How would you ever prove that?

Surely she’d say she got it from the children’s dad…

They’re both saying that the usual 6 months don’t apply because she already knows the girls. But this isn’t the point, as I understand it, waiting isn’t just to suss out if the new person is ok, it’s to see what’s going to happen with the relationship before the children get attached and then disappointed.

There's no "usual 6 months".

While I understand this is upsetting for you, I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. Two adults entering into a consensual relationship. The play date seems fine given the usual wait is usually about introducing a stranger into children’s lives - this could genuinely be passed off as a play date. If you report this to management, you’ll come across as extremely petty.

‘Nesting’ is the issue here - you need to get out of each others lives more.

What are your motives here
are you wanting to get a situation of harmony or are you trying to sabotage the new relationship ?
maybe if you look at your own intentions- are you jealous it would be perfectly natural to feel sidelined
do you want to control the outcome .?

I would assume she wants to protect her children and their happiness & prevent their confusion rather than it being "jealousy"

Imo, very unprofessional and unacceptable. Inconsiderate of your ex. I would consider speaking to the school.

Like others, I also think your ex is only interested in his needs. I suppose he thinks that the children will all play together and occupy each other while he and their mother get to know each other. Your children will already be trying to process that you and their father are no longer together and it will hurt them and confuse them to see him being intimate with somebody else no matter who it is. The teacher really ought to have more sense. I can’t see this relationship lasting that long because I don’t think they’re on the same page. It sounds like she is looking at him as a long term relationship already, asking you permission etc and gushing so much. I think she’s going to get hurt too. It seems to be a pattern with newly divorced and separated men to try and shag as many available women as possible without a second thought.

I’m absolutely baffled by this. Entirely agree that she shouldn’t be spending time with DDs, imo opinion you should wait to see how things progress before introducing a new partner, but everyone’s different. My problem here is that she’s in a professional role relating to your DDs and is now seeing one of the parents. I used to work in schools and if that had ever happened management would have been horrified. It’s a line you just don’t cross, especially given the kids were in her class literally a few months ago. So so so many safeguarding implications around this (how would she react if the children made a disclosure given she’s now personally involved with the family?!). She also shouldn’t be messaging you. If I ever had to communicate with any parents it was purely on a professional level and done through email/school phone etc. I’d be telling management about this straight away. She is incredibly naive if she thinks this is okay and acceptable

I'm glad you've realised the "nesting" arrangement has to end. That's one of those great-seeming ideas I've never seen work out positively in real life outside of the initial weeks after a separation. I know it sounds so kind for the kids in theory, but in practicality it always seems to create more toxicity in the parent relationship and prolong the most painful part of transitioning to two households.

I think your ex and the new gf are wrong to introduce any sort of relationship to their children this quickly (saying "she's a friend" to young children makes zero difference to young children). You should tell your ex your concerns but realistically you can't control how he introduces new people. Tell him the nesting arrangement will end on X date, don't attach any conditions relating to relationships to it.

But this isn't a school matter. The only way that would change is if there was specific behavior at school that was inappropriate - and saying hi absolutely doesn't count. If this teacher behaves in outwardly hostile ways towards you or your child, uses her staff position to interfere in your DDs education or access information she has no professional reason to have then that's different. And of course if she ever moved to a position where she was directly responsible for your children that would be reason to object.

This. I actually think it's very confusing for the children to have dad in their home with another lady. Especially their teacher...
He needs to find another way to have them, airbnb or whatever. It's just too mixed up.