AIBU to feel like a failure?

[koolkatxx]

I used to be a primary school teacher, and I got to a point where honestly the job broke me. I was having panic attacks every morning before going in, crying myself to sleep every night, constantly on edge. I would barely eat, could not enjoy my personal or social life anymore. School was constantly on my mind. I was having constant anxiety attacks. My DH eventually begged me to quit for the sake of my mental health (and physical health) and I’m glad he gave me that push because I really needed it.

I was unemployed for about 3 months afterwards, which I hated. I knew I didn’t want to go back into teaching for the time being, but I did want something low-stress where I could just go in, do my job, and leave work at work. I didn’t care about the money or climbing a career ladder- I just wanted something that would give me some breathing space.

So I got an admin job. It’s hybrid (so I can WFH whenever I want), zero stress, and I finally feel like I can breathe. It’s not my passion and it’s not forever, but it’s what I need right now.

But last week my supervisor made a throwaway comment/joke that I had “regressed in life” (because someone else in the office quit to do a PGCE and train as a teacher). Ever since, I can’t get it out of my head. I already sometimes feel guilty or low about the fact I put so much into becoming a teacher... it was my childhood dream and I “gave up”. Now I’m stuck with this horrible feeling that I’ve gone backwards in life, that I’m wasting my potential. Sometimes I feel like a failure and that I have let everyone down.

Has anyone else been through something similar? How do you make peace with stepping away from a “dream job” when it just wasn’t sustainable? I am sure I will return to teaching some day but not right now. Any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated

You're absolutely not a failure OP. Being a failure would have been remaining in your teaching role, watching your mental and physical health slowly disintegrate, it impacting your relationships and wellbeing even more, out of a stubborn sense that you went into teaching so there you must remain. You did a brave thing leaving.

As you were content with your decision prior to this silly comment, I would honestly encourage you to try remind yourself that you exercised your right to find a job that works for you, and that you're fortunate you were able to and that it was possible financially, it would be much worse to have had no choice but to stay in teaching!

Enjoy the 'breather', you might go back into teaching one day, you might not. Lots of people do it as a first or second or third career and to be honest with you out of ten friends I know who all were teachers, only one of them is still a teacher. The job just takes so much it's unsustainable to continue. You are part of a MASSIVE group of teachers that stood up for their own rights and wellbeing and said no, no more, I'm not being exploited any longer. That's strong and courageous as heck.

You are not a failure. You are lucky to have a husband who understood what you were going through and encouraged you to retrench. This is just a breathing space while you asses whether you want to stay in the admin role or do something different. A career is not the be all and end all f existence.

The colleague has no idea what you suffered or how difficult it is to pick yourself up from unemployment. Please don’t let he thoughtless remark send you off course.

I don’t measure success in life as to how much I earn or what my job title is.

I measure success on how happy and fulfilled I am in life, how much I love my family and friends and have them love me back and other things like that.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and supportive reply. Your words are honestly so reassuring and have given me a lot of comfort...<3 it really helps to see it from that perspective. It means a lot to know I’m not alone in this, and that so many others have stepped away from teaching for the sake of their wellbeing. It can be brutal unfortunately

People - including you - have to do the role that is right for them. Whether that is admin, teaching or something else it doesn't matter, so if the role if right for you and your family absolutely you are not a failure.

I'll give you an anecdote from my life to show you what I mean; I was pretty high level in a role for a household name company, but I decided I wanted to drop down a level because for me it was closer to the technology and therefore more interesting. Did I fail because I didn't go upwards? No of course not, I'm happier, enjoy the role more and therefore it's not a failure. Same thing for you.

Just because someone else has started a PGCE doesn’t mean they’re going to succeed. Enjoy your ‘low status’, low stress job, and sit back and watch this other person go through the same slow-motion car crash that is teaching now, in the current regime.

Your supervisor doesn’t know the circumstances of your decision, you do. Their opinion is irrelevant frankly. I wouldn’t give it any headspace at all.

We're still all caught up with the narrative that each career move has to move you to a better role and a better salary. It doesn't. You're doing what works for you now. I once moved from a European PR job in the City to an admin role on an industrial estate in Yorkshire. I felt as though I'd taken a step backwards but it paid the rent, taught me new skills, and gave me a few months of not taking work home in my head. In other words, I reframed it. And I fulfilled my ambition to drive a fork-lift truck.

For typo

That person's comment is nothing to do with you, only their own prejudices and lack of knowledge. You know perfectly well that you made the right move, and are doing a low-stress job for now in order to consider your next move.

I met a young former teacher working as a waiter in a Liverpool hotel recently. He said he couldn't keep doing it, and had 'taken a step back' to figure out what happened next for him. He struck me as an astute and emotionally intelligent young guy, and I admired that he's had the cop on to realise that the job wasn't for him comparatively early on in his career.

You are the only person who needs to approve of your choices, OP.

It's the teaching system that is failing from what friends have told me.

Success is finding a job that doesn't stress you out and that makes you happy.

It takes a brave person to say, "This job is making me unhappy - I quit" and actually do it! You're in no way a failure. You're strong and courageous. Enjoy your new found peace.
I did something similar and my admin job led to me learning a whole world of new stuff relevant to my employer's business. It didn't make me any more money but there was a great deal of satisfaction in learning something new, applying it and making a difference to the business. A new thing may well come along for you.

As a retired HR manager, I would say that, if you are doing a good job for your company, without it adversely affecting your mental or physical health, or your marriage, that counts as success. If you feel able to move on to a more challenging role in the future, you also now have the experience and knowledge to know the warning signs and manage the situation before it becomes a problem.

Your husband is a star.

Hi OP. I feel like you sometimes - I quit teaching after 10 years a few years ago. I'm now a HEO in the civil service and people sometimes make comments that I'm 'only' a HEO. I sometimes feel like I've thrown my life away. But I know I haven't. I had to make a change or I would have had a breakdown. Ex-colleagues regularly ask for my advice and wonder how I was brave enough to quit with nothing with 2 kids under 2, mortgage, nursery fees etc.
I am proud of myself but at the same time I wonder where I would be now if I'd have stayed. I could probably afford to go on holiday and do the renovations our home desperately needs!
But I have very little stress and so much more time (and headspace) for my family.
You are not a failure. You were the victim of a horrible, broken system. And you got out. That's something to be proud of!

If you are happier then you are winning.

I worked for a company and promotion chasing was very much encouraged. I got to a decent level and was happy to stay there because I loved my job and was one of few people who had children (with childcare juggling). Every 6month appraisal/review I'd have to re-explain why I wasn't chasing a promotion.

Then I changed direction as I needed to be home more for one of our children. I have a part-time job, lower pay, an amazing role that I love. I know some of my ex-colleagues see me as a dropout/failure. But I'm happy.

Your job is what you need at the moment. All your skills are valuable and may come to use more in future roles. Good mental health is is way more valuable to you and and your husband. Don't feel crap about it.

You havent gone back in life, op. And that person is a fucking dick. If they try it again, I'd tell them they need to fucking get out more to see that sometimes life happens and you need a low stress job

What a dick

Fwiw I have a degree and had a job with a career path but I had a full mental breakdown and now I stay home with my dd and am trying to practice 'slow living' 😭😭

And I am happy! And relatively sane!

You are exactly where you need to be and thats okay. Also, well done on dh xx

I did similar op although it was Nursing that I left because it was physically and mentally killing me to continue. I haven never really looked back I just thank my lucky starts that I got out !

Happiness is more important where you are in your career. I’ve just given up a lectureship to do a job I enjoy far, far more. I don’t care that some of my colleagues don’t have PhDs, I don’t care about the title. I’m using my brain for the first time in years. I’m working in a way that makes me happy.

I hope you continue to reap the benefits of your job change. It might be something you do for years, or you might try something different. As long as whatever you do suits your goals, no-one’s opinion is of any consequence.

You can’t let other people decide for you if you’re a failure or a success. Society sets measures based on your salary, your social status, whatever - but you don’t have to buy into that. Be happy with your own life - quietly satisfied that you made the right choice for you. I

On average I think I read that teachers last 5 years in the profession. It’s not an easy ride.

I have had several professions and I still don’t enjoy what I do for a living - but by society’s measures I’ve done fine, even well, for myself. Putting up with crippling anxiety is no fun, and not a way to live a happy life.

Wow I have heard so much about nursing recently! I am glad you also had the guts to get out :)

I met a young lad (god that makes me sound old) who had gone into teaching via as an apprentice. I met him while he was working at Butlins and working the pottery painting class for my DD and he sounded like he was having a whale of a time!

Sometimes we have to step back in order to step forwards.