Would you stay in this if your life was like this?

[Otheronehasthecheese]

Accidental pregnancy around 18 months in. I really wanted a future with DP at the time and DS is now 5. However, whilst he is not a bad man and can be kind and generous, I don’t love him. Not deeply anyway. He is extremely work obsessed, I am left to do everything for DS and DP’s work comes first. DP absolutely wants a future together and is an extremely introverted person, spends hours working at work and at home, socially awkward and extremely comfortable with our set up.

I have a decent job and now work part time. He pays me the difference in income I lost so that it’s a fair hit on our joint income for DS to have me do the nursery run and take time off in summer, it’s me taking parental leave.. you get the picture.

I don’t want for anything with DP and now I’m early forties I couldn’t face starting again. I’ve had moments of sadness thinking this is my life now… with someone who is work obsessed, drinks a little too much and I don’t really fancy much but am content to be around. I have it easy, my phone broke in January right after Christmas and he just purchased another one straight away for me. If I want to stay with friends at a weekend he’s quite happy to foot the bill for a hotel. He has the money and I think he also wants to make me feel better about the fact I fully facilitate his working life by doing everything for Ds. I’ve managed to save quite a bit since Ds was born as I have around 3k spare a month to put away and DP doesn’t ever control spending or savings.

I have become accustomed to the financial situation and I am content with life. I don’t want to break up DS’s family and I don’t think realistically I could meet someone now where it would be plain sailing, my focus is ds and I sort of feel I made my bed by having ds so early on in a relationship.

I guess what I’m asking is am I throwing my life away for practical gains and not really living? Do most marriages end up this way anyway? I am quite independent and dp’s long hours don’t affect me in that way but I suppose in a sad way it’s also because I’m not deeply in love and desperate for him to come home.

Honestly- sounds much better than being a single mum and struggling unless you have something/someone to leave for. Security is worth a lot. I’ve been a single parent for a long time, it is hard, hard work.

@Bryonyberries thanks for your perspective! I guess I do feel I am a single parent nearly all the time aside from finances. But I appreciate thats a big part that makes me not a single parent. It’s hard not to wonder if I’ve become content because I’ve given up on the idea of something else or whether I am just content with the status quo.

I know not everyone agrees, but I think it is absolutely possible to build up love for a person and create a relationship with them. Both people have to be on board though. Would you be willing to try to improve what you have? Would your DP have any interest in it?

If not then I think it's time to move on. Staying with someone you don't love and aren't actively trying to love is quite cruel IMO. Even if he seems content, it's not fair to pretend to be a partner to him when in fact you're not.

Are you married? Bear in mind that if you're not, then you will likely end up with a significantly diminished financial situation once you split.