Going back to work and feeling like I've failed already

[Falconfield]

AIBU to worry I won’t get enough time to actually bond with my child when I go back to work?

I’m going back to work soon and honestly, I’m feeling really anxious about how it’s all going to work.

I keep imagining what the days will look like, finishing at 5pm, rushing to collect DC from nursery, getting home, then it’s basically tea, bath, bed. Where does the proper bonding actually happen? Will they end up feeling closer to the nursery staff than to me? That thought makes me feel really sad and a bit guilty already. I won't get to play or enjoy any time with my DC!

And then there’s everything else… cooking, laundry, keeping the house going, looking after animals (we’ve got dogs and horses, so not exactly low maintenance!), and supposedly fitting in some kind of time for myself or a hobby. It just doesn’t seem possible.

I am in a reasonably lucky position that I have a DH who pulls his weight, but again is also working full-time. I can't imagine how single parents cope, especially if they are doing all the night disturbances and then a full day at work along with everything else!

I know loads of mums do this every day, so maybe I’m overthinking. But right now it feels like something will have to give – either my child time, the house, or me.

If you’ve been through it, how did you manage?
Did you actually get proper time with your child during the week, or was it all crammed into weekends?
Did you ever feel like DC was more bonded to their caregivers than to you?
Did you manage to fit dogs/horses into the mix too, and if so how?

I'm honestly feeling really stressed by the thought of it all already, but I can't afford less hours and can't afford a cleaner/help with pets.

You are definitely overthinking op! Things fall into place, there’s a lot of juggling but don’t forget weekends, evenings, time off. It falls into place and then gets messed up, fixed, it’s all part of the craziness but at the heart of it you’ll have your stability and wage and ability to put things in place where you need to, because your wage will afford you the ability to. Best of luck, it’s all scary but doable (yay to the dogs and horses btw!)

Are you returning full time? x

I suspect I am in the minority but I looked ahead and thought it would be shit, so I took redundancy.. I did send ds to nursery for two days a week even though I was at home, but that was in order for him to learn the language as we live abroad, which I increased to 3.5 days when he was 2 to get him ready for school which they start at 3 where we are. Now he’s at school I’ve started my own business. I have no regrets. I think if you’re a corporate worker and on a ‘ladder’ maybe it’s harder to leave or manage to make it work. I knew I’d regret the time passing; I doubt very much I’ll have another dc so it was my ‘one go’! Also have zero family near, will be seen as a lame ‘excuse’ but when I did go back to work briefly, I had to take so many days off with sick baby, in the end I decided to trust my gut and jump. I was lucky that DH was financially very supportive; although he also self employed; so was often absent, but did have some freedom when he was around. Lots of luck however it pans out. It’s your choice to make of course and I feel mn is critical of mums who aren’t working so bear that in mind! These threads often descend into bickering about working mums vs SAHM and the truth is everyone is doing their best as they see fit for themselves and their kids. Xox

First of all take a deep breath. You are doing the best for your DC and family so nothing to feel guilty about.

I do think you need to prioritise and decide where your red lines are. I stopped worrying about ironing and we only hoover twice a week. DH does all of their washing and I do all the shopping and cooking. On a Saturday morning, I clean the bathroom and the kitchen and he strips all the beds / mows the lawn / hoovers / does the bins.

When I went back to work, I made sure that I spent an hour with the DC doing bath time, cuddles and bedtime story most nights and that was our quality time together in the week (DH and I alternated which DC). We then have the rest of the weekend as family time / individual time depending on what is going on.

I did find that any regular time for hobbies pretty much went out the window and perhaps you need to see looking after the animals as your time at least to start off with. I manage to get the gym a couple of times a week and maybe out with friends once the kids are in bed but that’s it for me other than reading/TV etc

I’m sure the DC will have days where they make comments about nursery staff which makes you feel a bit rubbish but I can tell you between eight and 12 years in that their thoughtless comments by small children and that nothing beats mum and dad.

I know you didn’t mean anything bad in your comment but please don’t comment on a mums post who is anxious about returning to work about how you took redundancy and became a SAHM. I see these comments all the time, the OP states she can’t take less hours and afford not to work and there is always comments from SAHM’s about how they just took redundancy or quit. OP has already made her “choice” and not everyone even gets to make the choice, sometimes financially it’s out of their hands

Sometimes these comments can make already upset mums, feel guiltier xx just being honest

Hey I put my LO into nursery as had to work full time. I worried about all of these things but you just get yourself into a routine and you'll be fine.
There's still plenty of time to bond with your child and they will not be more attached to the nursery staff than you.
As for jobs it's hard going but meal planning and online food shops are the way to go. In the winter using slow cooker and batch cooking also helps. You'll have to lower your cleaning standards but it's not for long x

my husband and I both work full time and split chores etc 50:50 as well as having a cleaner and gardener. Realistically for us it means the time for ourselves has dropped - we don’t have much time for hobbies or ourselves anymore, but I assume that’ll come back when LO needs us less.

Thank you all for the replies and tips!

I would love to chuck the job in and spend the time with DC instead but unfortunately that just isn't feasible financially.

I'm all for getting a cleaner and gardener but again can't afford it.

It gives me hope others have had the same worries and found a routine that works for them.

Friends have suggested I sell/rehome the animals, I would hate to do this and feel they are just as much part of the family.

Has anyone managed without cleaners/gardeners/hired help?

Sell the aninals
you won’t get the precious time with your baby back

trust me. If you’re feeling guilty now, I don’t think it will go.

I wouldn’t work to fund animals and put my baby in full time nursery. The baby didn’t choose that

sorry to say.

You'll be grand, don't worry

I'm only back part time so dont want to be disingenuous about hours, however, going back to work after dc2 we've found a few things really helpful.

A big game changer has been getting a robot hoover. They're a lot cheaper than a cleaner and ours is really good at getting up pet hair.
We also do 'cook once eat twice' which cuts down on meal prep time, yes it's boring but tbh the toddler is more than happy with spag bol etc. twice a week. DH and I also take it in turns to do 30 minutes housework a night so it doesn't pile up and ruin weekend quality time.

In terms of quality time with DCs don't write off bath time and tea as quality time. Do your best to have a routine and make these times to chat and be together. We've also started trying to make mornings more quality time and dont turn the TV on so we play and rub along together. I have mo idea if these will work for you but hope they're helpful.

Did you actually get proper time with your child during the week, or was it all crammed into weekends?
Weekends primarily, aim was to get all the household admin/cleaning done so that weekends were about spending time with them. Realistically as they get older, it doesn't change much - dinner, bath, reading homework, bed. Then you start on what you need to get done/prepped. You will need to massively work as a team but I won't lie these are the treadmill years.

Did you ever feel like DC was more bonded to their caregivers than to you?
Odd occasion but really no. You need to consider that they should feel bonded and loved by their caregivers. What a miserable life for a child if they didn't so there will be phases where they are attached. In the same way that kids go through phases where only Daddy or Mummy will heal all ills but once the caregiver disappears for the day, you're the one they see from 6pm to 8am and sadly lots of opportunities for overnight contact. 😬

Did you manage to fit dogs/horses into the mix too, and if so how?
No, not a chance but neither of us do regular 9-5 jobs so need to factor in often logging in again once DC asleep. Got a dog when they were tweens and fitting in walks around two full time jobs and kids has only been possible because of hybrid working and a dog walker for the days we are both in the office.

Are you proposing to feed, muck out and exercise a horse daily and have a FT job with a commute? I think you need to be realistic about your family budget and the amount of time you can devote and perhaps consider a part loan arrangement even if you are covering the costs and just getting some free labour to help with the pressure.