Help!! How do I sort the finances?

[Graciegru]

My partner and I have been together 3 years. He has moved in with me. Initially I said I was paying my bills and rent to keep things separate as I have been messed about previously. However after 2 years I had to have the awkward conversation as he was there full time and his child was there on weekends. I have struggled to get my finances sorted and worked hard to support myself and my children and suddenly I was in debt again. Sneaking up gradually on the utilities and food bill was doubled. I told him I would continue paying the rent of £1300 but expected 50% towards bills. As I see it he was only paying his maintenance and debts.

This started well but after a few months it’s gradually dropping with the excuse that’s all he has after his debt was paid. I discussed him getting a DRO and explained his primary costs are food, bills, accommodation and maintenance. However he’s still procrastinating and last month he transferred a really small amount. I’m trying to be supportive with his situation and his child etc but I am paying for nearly everything. He has now resigned due to the daily travelling. He has a few interviews and will find a job quite quickly and locally and that’s what he wants. But will less money. I have just left my job due to serious health issues. I will probably be medically retired. He doesn’t do very much housework and I have to pay someone to come in as I can no longer manage it with my heart condition. I struggle with mobility and have limited oxygen getting around my body. I am tired all the time and feel he should be contributing more. The only thing I am mindful of is that he is autistic and possibly misses the point.

If I work part time it’s to cover the deficit that he’s not giving me. And also my children will do without if I try to spread it any further.

Do I ask him to move out and back home with his mother until he sorts his finances or try and make him understand and pay up. We are a family now with our children together a lot.

I mentally don’t have the energy and it’s really stressing me out.

Any advice welcome.

Thank you.

I think you need to separate your living arrangements again and if that means he moves back with his mother, then so be it.

Don’t let him take advance of you and get into debt.

Yes kick him straight out. You owe it to yourself and your children.

Yes this is unsustainable. He needs to move out asap.

He is given a choice. He pays half the bills as agreed on his payday and the rest is for him to spend, or he leaves

So, he had two years of paying nothing, then you had a conversation and he agreed to pay half of the bills (but not the rent) and he's not doing this.

He also doesn't do much in the way of helping around the house and you've had to hire a cleaner.

All while you are unwell!

OMG, get the cleaner to bag his stuff up and send him on his way.

You need to get him out. You cannot afford to support him, financially or emotionally. His negativity will probably be having a detrimental effect on your health too.

You refer to him as your partner but this isn’t a partnership at all.
Where is his dignity sponging off you?
I think your health and bank balance would improve if he were to move out.
I’d get him gone in your shoes

The way you've described it, he brings nothing whatsoever to the partnership. So am ultimatum is low risk. Either he pays up or ships out, and if by any chance he pays up dump him anyway!

“Do I ask him to move out and back home with his mother until he sorts his finances?”

Yes. He’s taking the proverbial p.ss, expecting you to house and feed him (and has become a cocklodger). It’s a cliche that men are all loving when there’s a single woman who can house and feed him. I’m guessing moving in was his idea.

He’s proven he can’t pay his way. It won’t get better. Send him home. You’re job us not to subsidise him, and who in earth gives up a job without getting a new one first, especially if you have debts to pay!

Honestly he is playing you for a mug. You are unwell you need to focus on you. If he isn’t paying his way and even helping you out while unwell you know he needs to leave. It’s ridiculous.

I would absolutely love to know if, in exchange for you supporting him for two years he is doing al the cooking, housework , grocery shopping, sorting out kids parties and gifts, GP and dentist appointments, organising purchase of the kids’ uniform and shoes, drop offs and pickups and play dates… no?

You do realise that the average housewife would have pulled their weight in exchange for financial support.

He is massively playing you.

Tell him to leave at the weekend and come back when he’s got his finances sorted. I wouldn’t even let him start a month.

He needs to move out. He’s taking the piss massively and freeloading off you. Get rid.