How to have sex once we are parents

[GentleJadeOP]

After reading lots of similar posts, I am wondering. How do people actually manage to have sex once they have children? Surely they don’t always have to wait for the child to be away from home? How about the privacy of your own bed but the worry of being heard or children walking in? How does it work?

I know there are lots of threads about child sleep issues, but I suspect most children actually do sleep at night.

Oh the joys of silent sex under the covers with the lights off. I don’t miss those days 😂 Get a lock, that will at least help although you still won’t be able to be loud. Put some white noise on Alexa (if you have one) and a pillow behind the headboard to hide noises.

Fair enough but what about teenagers?

Married 29 years, DC 26 and 24 year old. Never been walked in on. It’s not dissimilar to before we got married and we’d have sneaky sex hoping parents wouldn’t hear.

Just to add, I never had the children in our bed. If they woke in the night they went back to their own room.

The teenagers are in their own rooms most of the time and rarely venture out. We have our bedroom door open at nights (to listen out for the dog or any problems), the teenagers know if it's closed then they do NOT want to be opening it especially without knocking and waiting. I don't see the point of noisy sex, seems performative to me.

1. It is not compulsory to have loud sex
2. Teach your children to knock before entering any bedroom or bathroom
3. Get a speaker to play music or white noise
4. Wake up before the children and do it at 4am/5am
5. Book babysitters and have “dirty weekends” away where you can use all the available furniture and make all the noise.

loud sex isn’t performative! It’s involuntary for most people.
we have little kids and so far it’s not been an issue at all. Once they’re asleep they’re asleep. You get to know your kids sleep pattern. One of mine often wakes and needs a cuddle at around 2pm. But before them they’re sleeping deeply and cannot be waked by anything!

god knows how it works when they’re teenagers. Probably have to do it at lunch whilst working from home!

I don't have teenagers yet but I'm naively hoping that they'll be capable of following instructions by then, such as 'don't go in people's bedrooms without knocking'. Also surely teenagers sleep all morning so that's when you have sex?

It’s trickier with teenagers but still possible! We were fine when DC were little as they didn’t wake up unless ill/nightmare once they were beyond the newborn stage. With teenagers I think you actually need to be even quieter. Ours knew they always had to knock on the door before coming in but there’s still nothing as disconcerting as thinking they’re finally in bed and possibly asleep when one goes wandering down the corridor outside your room en route to the bathroom or something whilst you’re in the throes! There have been many occasions when we’ve collapsed in fits of giggles when one of us has whispered urgently ‘stop! one of them is outside the door!’ One night DH ended up clamping his hand over my mouth to shush me because he’d heard one of them and I hadn’t. You can’t wait for your kids to go out if you want to maintain a decent sex life, you just have to work around it and make the most of any evenings you do get on your own.

Our two have left home now so we don’t have that worry!

1. Wait for kid to go to sleep.
2. Have Sex

Once they get to the point where they stay up later than you, they're generally out of the house more in the evenings as well.

Up the bum = no more kids to walk in

Lock the bedroom door .

Just do it. The sarcastic comments over breakfast are enough to put anyone off, but we don't let it....

This is hilarious, love it

This idea about not having sex with kids in the house is crazy, and not something I've ever heard of outside of Mumsnet. Parents who stay together, both happily, generally have sex! You need a lock on the bedroom door, and music or TV in your room to give some background noise. It's good for kids to know that parents need quiet time, and that if a door is shut, you knock and wait for permission to open it. In a healthy family, teenagers will know that sex happens but they don't need to hear it, hence the background noise. Be considerate, but don't be paranoid or uptight. Don't make it into a big deal, otherwise you'll be teaching your kids that sex is something shameful that parents shouldn't be doing. That's not healthy and won't set them up to have happy relationships.

This is my thinking too. They shouldn't be witnessing or hearing anything but I do think it's modelling healthy relationships.

They'll only walk in without knocking once 😂

I have teenage children (well one is now 20) and you just get on with it. Relatively quietly 😂 It probably helps now that we have a loft bedroom so we’re slightly removed and our children know that if the door is shut you knock and wait for an answer. But tbh the same applies for them as if I just walked into their bedrooms when their door is shut, who knows what I would see 🫣

It was no problem at primary school age - he'd sleep through a brass band in his room. Now, as a teen, there's no chance, unless he's out.
My parents had one of those old fashioned rocking chairs, where they had springs, and the rockers rocked on a base. There were strange faces all round(I had teen sisters) when I announced, at breakfast, that I could hear the rocking chair last night.

This is why older houses have doors that open into the room. The extra few seconds' warning before anyone sees in is invaluable as a last line of defence if the worst happens and a child gets out of bed!

We’re 50 and 56 with four kids and have always had a wedge for the door.
Our foreplay is he does the wedge and I grab the lube! So romantic 🤣

Get a lock on the door and do it quietly surely? We have 7 and 9 year olds so wait till they’re asleep but when they are teenagers that’s my plan!

Babies and young toddlers confined to cots. Children generallybsleep all night. Teenagers would rather die than risk walking in on their parents even cuddling. But to be safe we normally pop a doorstop under our bedroom door :)

We have a lock on the door and so there's no chance of a walk-in. Children are still young and so sleeping deeply by the time we go to bed. Don't see too much changing as they get older, will just be mindful about noise and bed squeaks!