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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I Lower Child Maintenance from BD?

7 replies

Clmtt · 01/09/2025 11:39

My baby daddy is in financial difficulty. He left his high paying job to avoid CMS and is now working contract free in a job that he is making no money in but stays cos they are selling him the dream and he is delusional - he's claiming benefits and living on his cousins sofa. He has around 8k of debt racked up now.

I have heard that he is struggling and is trying to go back to his old job who won't have him (we worked together and he made around £500-800 per WEEK), and he told me himself and showed me benefit statements and his bank (I didnt ask for this), yet he goes out most weekends, always has new stuff and is seeing someone. He says his friends pay for it all as he helped them in the past and they are repaying the favor and when he makes his money back (millionaire dream), he will pay them back.

Am I right not to lower the amount? Or should I hold my ground?

He hasn't asked, but he does make me feel guilty as he gives me between 250£ per month from his benefit money although it doesnt cover much tbf. He said with my 30 hours funded childcare I can now use the 'extra money' from him to 'go on holiday or something', as if I am now suddenly rolling in money because childcare has gone from £650 a month to around £300.

He was emotionally and psychologically abusive and treated me horrendously throughout, so part of me is also thinking why should I do him any favours, especially at the detriment of mine and my son's life.

OP posts:
FairyBatman · 01/09/2025 15:52

He fucked around and now he is finding out! Why should your kids suffer because he is a delusional idiot.

bumbaloo · 01/09/2025 15:56

Not your dc problem that he’s made some dumb choices. It still costs as much to raise your dc as it did

Dweetfidilove · 01/09/2025 15:57

Can you give up your job and expect your obligations will just disappear?

Let the man work out how he will continue to make his payments. It's not for you to facilitate his delusions.

Dweetfidilove · 01/09/2025 15:59

Can you give up your job and expect your obligations will just disappear?

Let the man work out how he will continue to make his payments. It's not for you to facilitate his delusions.

itsmeits · 01/09/2025 16:01

Stop discussing finances with him.
He pays end off. If he wants to make changes he rings CMS and does it via them.
He's your ex he needs to sort this shit out himself!

Coconutter24 · 01/09/2025 16:03

Not sure how the YABU goes because I voted YABU to consider lowering child maintenance, however more have voted yanbu? I may of got it mixed up lol.
He left a job to avoid paying more CMS so this position he’s now in his of his own doing. If he can manage to go out every weekend and always buy new stuff then he can manage to carry on making payments.
You say he hasn’t asked… so why do you need to hold your ground?

Katflapkit · 01/09/2025 16:14

He is still manipulating you.

He's so busy calculating your finances that he has let his slide into the toilet. Even his language, the 'extra money' shows you the contempt he has towards financially supporting his child.

Do not help him. He won't even see it as help. He will see it as a power move, that he is still in control. He will think you are a sucker. When he gains higher paid employment, do you think he will up the payments or offer to repay the lean time you 'helped' him.

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