Regretting the move

[movetobrixton]

I recently moved back home. My family are in Croydon and we moved to Brixton. I was under loads of pressure from my family to move back home because they would help with the kids and it would be great for the kids to grow up around their cousins etc etc.

I thought I would be able to reconnect with school friends and establish a community here. I promised DH it would be a great idea. DH was keen on a place near a tube stop and found the property we’re in. He loved it, I thought it was fine but wasn’t too keen on the area.

Fast forward a year and I am miserable. I had my DS after a traumatic birth and no one came to visit. Family sent texts of congratulations, when I was like “come and visit” they’d say yes and then nothing. Similar with friends.
My DD is in her nursery year and we are looking at schools. Brixton is great if you’re a young professional but it’s not family friendly.
I miss my old life so much. I think I have postpartum depression.

AIBU? should I just give it a chance? We’re kind of locked in if DD starts reception here.

I don’t think you are locked in if your DD starts reception - there seems to be a lot of movement in London schools as the population is quite transient / combined with a low birth rate.

I’m sorry it’s not initially worked out how you’d hoped.
Have you spoken to the gp about possible pnd? If not you should make this your priority.

I would not make any decisions whilst you’re struggling after having your son. Give yourself time to feel healthy again and see where things stand then. You are absolutely not locked in if DD starts reception and it still doesn’t improve, children move schools all the time and settle very quickly.

Wishing you all the best.

Your family have been a huge let down. I'd be quite resentful about that tbh.

You are missing your old life in Brixton,but say it's not family friendly, so I assume you aren't thinking of moving back there. So where do you think you would like to move?

Happiness, or at least contentment, comes from within. You have had a tough year, you need to look after yourself, focus on getting your own head back on track. If you are worried about PND then please raise it with the GP surgery. Your DD starting nursery may help meet new friend and social contacts.

Then you can decide about moving or not.

Wow. That's rubbish. Brixton to Croydon isn't a huge distance. Transport is plentiful too.

If you don't like the area, maybe look to move again ?

I don’t understand, did you move from
Brixton to Croydon? Or did you move to Brixton from somewhere else, to be near to Croydon but on the tube?

I'm confused are you now in croydon or in brixton?

Depends what you like long term

I'm not a big fan of raising young kids in very central urban areas (my childhood was rural and very outdoorsy so thats what I'm used to) but lots of people prefer to stay central & it does make commuting really fast if you work in town.

No I moved from Ealing to Brixton, with the hope of being nearer to Croydon. We’d been in ealing for around 10 years so had a proper base

Yeh this, moved to Brixton to be closer to croydon but central enough (DH wanted to be a bit more central)

What do you hate about it? Maybe list the things out and ehat you feel you are missing and go from there.
We have moved 8 times in 10 years, it's ok to move again if you want to. And you can move while kids are in school its not the worst thing in the world if you move while shes in primary. People will say differently but so many people do it. At least a couple of kids move in and out of my sons class each year. Not always for house moves either, sometimes the parents just move them for other reasons.

Could you move back to Ealing? Lots of really good schools and not quite as urban as Brixton with lots of parks family groups etc ... You have time though as changing school in early years is very common and would focus on feeling better..
Its tough your family haven't stepped up as expected... But at least you know now and can think about what works for you and your family....

Yes. Ealing - Brixton are totally different vibes. And considering you 1) not happy in Brixton and 2) your family haven't bothered much... I'd be annoyed too.

But, it is what it is right now. I'd be looking at trying to get out and about to the parks and surrounding areas- Brockwell, Dulwich, Herne Hill etc to see if any of the kid friendly stuff there gels with you and find your people.

Longer term, maybe look elsewhere and not bother so much about being close to family if they don't visit regularly.

Ok I get it… the problem IMO is Croydon to Brixton isn’t THAT close, I know it looks it on the map but it takes best part of an hour on public transport and driving can be horrible too with the traffic and parking charges etc.

I think you either need to move to Croydon itself or back to Ealing. I’d pick Ealing in your shoes. Your family have shown they aren’t going to make the effort

We moved a year ago to be closer to my daughter. That part has worked well, but I really dislike the area we’ve moved to , so our house is back on the market. We’ve made a mistake. Fortunately my husband agrees, life is too short to be miserable so we’re off again. Some may think we’re mad, but we deserve to be happy, we’ve used the year to work out what we really want, but we’re not going to stay where we’re unhappy.

I think the issue with wanting to see your family is probably the main one here, there might be options that could tick both boxes for being more central and closer to them.
but I just came here to say while central Brixton (the main road by the tube for example) is all shades of hideous and makes me miserable every time I go there, the Brixton hill area has lovely streets (again off the main road) for example around the Windmill, loads of lovely housing and a couple of (I believe) very highly regarded primary schools. Also cheek by jowl with Clapham which is super family friendly in terms of parks etc and loads of activities for little ones. Plus there’s brockwell park…
Might it be that even if you came across all of these things you would still wish you weren’t there? It’s not the most gorgeous place to live that’s for sure, but there are much nicer bits if it could be your immediate location that’s the issue and you’re not committed long term to your housing (I don’t think you mentioned if you are renting or own, sorry if I missed that).

I’m sorry you feel so down. I had my babies near Brixton and there were loads of baby and preschool groups to go to around Herne Hill - and we spent a lot of time in Brockwell Park too. I don’t know if you’ve been able to access any of that sort of thing? That corner of SE London felt very family friendly although this is ten years ago.

I live in Croydon and Brixton is a bit of a trek. Traffic, 20 mph and next to no free parking. Maybe that's the issue?

Saying that, it's horrible they haven't even made the effort to meet the children. I travel 1.5 hrs each way every couple of weeks to visit the newest additions to our family. Why encourage you to move closer just to be unsupportive ☹️.

All that stamp duty though, ouch!
Especially when the deputy PM sneakily avoids paying it.

Right, now you’ve explained I think the issue is that Brixton isn’t especially close to Croydon, simply closer than Ealing.

I would move back to Ealing. I mean, there are some lovely bits of SE London close by Brixton but if the only reason you moved from Ealing was to be closer to the family who you still don’t see I would move back.

Yes. It’s the thing that’s letting me down the most, I moved my very happily settled family over here on that basis

Are you still on mat leave op? Or are you working/planning to go back to work?

I found maternity leave utterly miserable, boring and lonely and felt better when I went back to work.

Is there somewhere nearby you could look at moving to that has more of a community feel? Eg Herne Hill, West Norwood, Crystal Palace, Streatham Hill? We raised our three children in Streatham Hill and were very happy. We were walking distance to Balham and Tooting Bec common. There’s an amazing Scout group there and they both had very outdoorsy childhoods.

As a PPs have said and you've discovered, road and public transport connections between Brixton and Croydon aren't great. In fact the only thing Brixton has in its favour from your (well, DH's) PoV is that there's a tube station - but it's an outlier that only takes you into central London. Great for commuting but not for getting around the local area.

I'm guessing DH isn't from the area, and he made most of the house-buying decisions - perhaps with some naive assumptions - while you were immersed in DC and recovering from a traumatic birth.

I'm sure your family do really want to see you all, but it's easier said than done esp when the reality of London traffic hits. And they do have form for not making the effort. Sounds like if you're not in 'popping round' distance of them, it's not going to happen.

On the plus side, there is a lot going on in the area for children, and if you decide to stay I'm sure you'll build up your own local 'family'. My DC were teens in that part of SE London and had some great friends and good times. There's a character to the place that DD in particular loved and still does.

I do understand why you miss your previous 'settled' life and regret moving, though you're aware this feeling could also be part of your possible PND.

Assuming money's no object, your choice is, risk staying in Brixton and finding it awful, or risk going back to Ealing and finding it isn't the solution after all. There's no obvious answer to that, but what is obvious is that your mental health is the priority. Because that's what'll get you through the uncertainties of life, London and frickin family.

How about somewhere like Forest Hill or Crystal Palace which are still quite central but easier to get to Croydon (direct trains) and more family friendly?

Look at moving and do not engage with your family on this point.

Two friends go caught out like this when pregnant years ago.

The support/engagement promised, never even vaguely materialised.
When the opportunity to move came up again, they did it and moved much further away that they had been previously.

Move before school starts.