To feel scared about being dumped suddenly again in the future?

[MegsDancer]

After 2 years together I brought up the possibility of getting married and having kids. Instead of being keen and excited, he had a cold response (he was also divorced, she left him). Anyway after that he went from him being 'not sure' about marrying again to being open to it and talking about it. He asked when I wanted kids and I said in the next 2-3 years, to which he said 'I'm on board with that and if we had any issues, i'd do IVF would you?' etc. Totally integrated into my family all loved him. The most I've loved anyone - I thought he was the one.

The week before the break up, he was acting distant. Then he cancelled a date and didn't reschedule. I told him I don't expect to be treated like this and that we needed to talk. He agreed and broke up with me. He said we are too different, don't have enough common (not true) and that he can't keep taking viagra/my sex drive is too high (he had issues staying hard early on, but as far as I know this went away - I've felt like we've been having spontaneous sex 2-3 times a week for the last year so if he'd still been taking it, he didn't tell me that). He'd also written a list of my pros and cons.

He told me he loved me, that i was beautiful and wonderful all while saying goodbye. My best friend's ex also dumped her last year while telling her all these things that bothered him for the first time! Why do men do this? How do I ever date again when I can be happy and the guy just leaves?

The quick answer is they think they can get something better.

Whether they can or not isn't really the take away, more that they didn't value you. You do. I don't know if you need to hear this but you will always be your own biggest ally and supporter. I don't know a single truly happy couple and I'm midlife now. Men often distance before breaking up, hoping you might do it for them. If that fails they say something like "lost the spark" citing them being cold and distant as their reasoning, so you can't win. It's all part of the script that ultimately leads to them trying to shag someone they see as "better" which in reality just means different in about 90% of cases.

Head up high, focus on yourself and remember next time that they are a very fickle bunch. You want one who can handle commitment and responsibility and already knows they want kids, not one you've convinced who blames you for having to take viagra. You'll be fine.

@somethingnewandexciting the worst part is that was a fear I actually had. He'd befriend women at work and sometimes wax lyrical about them and I'd think, no don't think they're better than you or be jealous, he's chosen YOU.

So it's awful because I feel like my fears were founded. If he spent all that time behaving like he adored me, how will I know if the next person thinks they can get something better or not? Because it's happened once really fear it happening a second time. I fear I'm not enough.

He was also saying things like 'when we're 70, we'll be doing x,y,z' shortly beforehand!

I’m also terrified. I had a baby with a love bomber who then left just before baby was born a few weeks after he’d proposed. Baby was his idea too. How am I meant to trust another man again!

As well as proposing just before leaving my ex would also say things like I love when I see you have a grey hair as it makes me think about us being old people together. Absolute raving psychopath

I just can't understand this behaviour - I could never say things like this to someone shortly before leaving them?

And it's the fact similar has happened to more than one of my friends.

I’m sorry, OP. This sucks.

In future, if someone seems cold about the idea of marriage and kids at first, assume that’s his gut feeling and don’t trust any further changes of mind.

Some men will tell you what you want to hear while they’re trying to make up their mind whether to stay in the relationship.

I’ve also had a fair few men tell me they need to say something out loud a few times before they know whether they mean it or not - it’s like an experiment to see what they feel when they say ‘of course, darling, let’s start trying for a baby straight away!’ And when they discover that feels terrifying and suffocating, they’ll try saying it a few more times just to be absolutely sure that’s how it feels, and then they run for their lives.

@VoltaireMittyDream yeah - I think because he's the type of person in the past that needs to think something over first, I thought I'd give him that space. But his response was actually devastating for me. I won't ignore that again and i'll need to broach it sooner.

More than anything the rejection is crushing. He even said I was his best relationship ever - during the break up! I know his divorce destroyed him for a time so that might be to do with it but can't help thinking a PP is right, that he thought he could do better. Isn't good for self esteem.

women are always being told on here they can leave a relationship at any time for any reason and the same is true of men. Maybe he was into you then went off you. Maybe he had issues he should have communicated sooner, but ultimately he is entitled to break up with you when the relationship is no longer working for him. You can’t guarantee that you won’t be dumped, even if you’re married. If you enter into any relationship you have to do so with the acceptance that it might end imo.

@Ratisshortforratthew while this is true in theory, it makes me feel like I can never feel safe or comfortable in a relationship ever. That there's no security.

Because I'm in my early 30s, I could've been building a relationship with someone else and I do feel he wasted my time. He was also telling me he loved me during the break up, which made things more confusing for me.

This is true of every relationship though and more broadly everything in life. You can’t guarantee the future. Trying to force/guarantee something to go a certain way, especially when it comes to relationships, is a surefire way to ruin them. You’ve got to take it day by day and if it works then it should keep working. Granted, there are different considerations if and when kids are involved and it isn’t fair for one party to up and leave and lumber the other with 100% parenting responsibility but even having kids isn’t a guarantee of staying together, it just means breaking up has to be more thoroughly thought out.

It sounds like he gave quite a lot of consideration to leaving you and it wasn’t just spontaneous. This list of pros and cons is interesting! But his communication isn’t good, and a man leaving because there was too much sex is rare! Maybe he felt the pressure of TTC with his ED was going to be too much for him? Men often future fake so that’s not uncommon.
I was in a similar situation where we had a lovely few days together, then came the ghosting out of the blue and since it wasn’t the first time, I ended it. Communication was dreadful and I agree it’s harder to trust again when someone says they love you and their actions show they don’t.
Take some time to heal and make sure you have conversations about the important stuff much earlier on so you’re on the same page next time.

Thank you @YetanotherNC25

Yes maybe pressure to TTC with ED problems had crossed his mind - it had crossed mine. But he was the one pushing more for kids than I was in the recent months interestingly.

It was so hard because until I brought up further commitment me mostly had a beautiful relationship. But he did a tendency to love being in the relationship while also sort of wanting to have a bachelor lifestyle. he also tried to avoid serious conversations before this. If I find love again, I will have the conversations sooner and aim to follow my head and gut more, than my heart.