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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to think this

7 replies

amijumping · 31/08/2025 18:43

Had a baby 9 months ago had terrible birth with lack of support from family and a self employed husband who was working 24/7 left me
struggling and having PND. Husband and I went through a rough patch because of the depression I felt my husband didn’t fancy me anymore we weren’t having sex. We spoke about it and his reasonings where valid we had a one bedroom flat with a baby who cried all night every night I was crying 24/7 and he was worried about me too much. I kept mentioning pain in my stitches which he thought meant no sex. This has all been sorted we now are out the trenches have moved too a house and I couldn’t feel happier. During that time he left his phone playing white noise on in the bedroom so I decided to look at his phone I regret it at the time as I found nothing except some porn history. This didn’t bother me as I watch porn we both do and are open to the fact we do. I snooped twice during that time but confessed when we had a big chat a few weeks later. He was devastated that I felt I couldn’t trust him although i that wasn’t the reason I did it. I angry just felt angry and upset and was looking for reasons to be angry and upset. Therapy and reaching out for help has helped start resolving these issues thankfully. Today while googling something in bed I asked to borrow his phone as mine was down stairs he gave it to me but then I realised his history was empty when I tried to go back to a previous site I was on. He has it set to automatically delete. This has made me think the worst why would he have it set to that. I’m worried if I ask him he will accuse me of not trusting him and it will undo any work we have done on our relationship. I can’t think of any reason why he would need it set to that it also his work and personal phone. Aibu to think the worst

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CherrieTomaties · 31/08/2025 18:53

Sorry you went through a hard time after birth OP. I hope you’re doing well now and have family and friends to confide in, as well as more support from your husband. Is he a hands on dad? Do you ever get a break?

But re: your AIBU - was it just his browsing history that was deleted? I don’t think it’s wrong of him to delete his history, or have it on auto delete. It doesn’t necessarily mean he has something to hide. I often delete my browsing history and clear my cookies/caches for more storage, clears data etc.

He knows you’ve perhaps got form for snooping on him and his phone since you have done it in the past. The fact you’ve snooped before and are questioning the fact he’s deleted his history does seem to me like you don’t trust him.

You need to be completely open and honest with your feelings to him. If he’s a decent man and good husband he will be able to reassure you that there’s nothing to worry about.

squishymarshmellow · 31/08/2025 18:55

You’ve been through a lot in the last year or so - baby, PND, house move. That is a lot.

You mentioned that you ‘couldn’t feel happier’ right now, but worrying about your relationship when it sounds like it’s in a better place doesn’t reflect that. You are allowed to be happy without looking for the next reason to be unhappy.

when you looked at his phone previously you didn’t find anything that crossed your boundaries and he most likely just wants to Google things without being spied on.

amijumping · 31/08/2025 18:59

Thank you for your reassurance I think the issue is we’ve been through so much I felt horrendous for such a long time I’m struggling with all the happiness and looking for negatives that don’t need to be looked for

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squishymarshmellow · 31/08/2025 19:08

amijumping · 31/08/2025 18:59

Thank you for your reassurance I think the issue is we’ve been through so much I felt horrendous for such a long time I’m struggling with all the happiness and looking for negatives that don’t need to be looked for

It’s very hard to go from a tough time to happiness being your new normal.

It feels unnatural, but you mentioned you’ve been in therapy and reaching out more. You have been doing the work, now it is time to reap the rewards as you deserve to.

CherrieTomaties · 31/08/2025 19:13

Yes I agree with previous poster, it’s very hard to adjust after suffering from a difficult/traumatic time in life. It’s almost as if everything is too good to be true, so you’re just waiting in a state of anxiety for things to go wrong. Totally understandable 💐

If you feel yourself struggling please do reach out. Whether it’s to your husband, GP, health visitor, therapists etc.

Endofyear · 31/08/2025 22:40

He hasn't done anything for you to be suspicious and yet you've checked his phone several times? I'd delete my search history as well if my partner kept snooping on my phone. Stop invading his privacy because if you carry on in this way you will drive him away.

amijumping · 31/08/2025 23:03

@Endofyeari did it twice while mentally and physically unwell in the depths of PPD and battling a few illnesses with a very young baby I’ve admitted it was wrong and confessed. Today I didn’t snoop we were both in bed with a baby and I asked to borrow it to find local soft plays near us. I found one but carried on looking at others and then decided to book the first one I found. To do this I clicked on the history button and thought I could click on the 1st website but there was nothing I then realised that non of his history saves it self although I did previously a month or two ago as he gave me his phone to find the number for something online.

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