Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My H obviously has a favourite kid. Is this normal?

19 replies

BroForce · 31/08/2025 16:13

Oldest son has a learning disability and autism. He struggles a lot socially and kids often keep distance. He is 6 and he repeats himself a lot. He used to be really tricky at home but I did all the courses and got help from school and honestly life is good and his moods last 10 mins usually! Other DC is a tad younger.

H clearly favours younger kid. If youngest has tantrum, H cuddles him or smiles or just takes it in his stride. He is much harsher with the oldest one. Rolls his eyes. I always have to kick him to give DS a hug.

I talk to him about it and H either denies it or says "well, its normal to havw a favourite when one is so unreasonable"

And oldest DS actually favours DH now. I mean he runs to me a lot but he always wants Hs attention.

I hate it. Its so obvious to me. But H says im being totally OTT and its in my head. Do other people have favourites? Is it possible to treat all your kids equally?

OP posts:
OneNaiceSnail · 31/08/2025 16:16

It’s normally to treat all of your kids equally, what he is doing is certainly fucking not. I’d actually consider leaving someone if they blatantly fawned over one child whilst treated the other like shit as they’re disabled. This is going to affect both your sons behaviour as they grow up

BitOutOfPractice · 31/08/2025 16:18

No it’s not normal. No it’s not healthy. O it’s not nice.

I agree with pp. I would leave a man who treated one of my kids like that.

Original poster
BroForce · 31/08/2025 16:23

Maybe I've been too strong. I dont know. I see it so clearly but maybe im exaggerating. Its hard to define. For example, younger tries a new food and its all proud looks and well done, oldest son eats his dinner (and hes v tricky about food) and I say well done Bobby and H says "you gonna congratulate him for doing a really normal thing like that"

He says im always beinh OTT in praise. H does hang out with him, and is nice to him but the praise is slow and the criticism so fast. Maybe no one else would notice but I swear its true! I see it all the time

Bobby isn't real name@

OP posts:
tripleginandtonic · 31/08/2025 16:25

How old is the youngest?

Original poster
BroForce · 31/08/2025 16:39

5

OP posts:
WilloesWorld · 31/08/2025 16:39

This is awful.Its a massive thing trying new foods for an autistic child.
I feel actually sad that a grown man behaves this way!..My H would be thrown down the street if he behaved like this.
My daughter has Autism so i do understand .She needs a lot of praise too.
Your H sounds like a bully.Horrible little man.

TheNightingalesStarling · 31/08/2025 16:41

Its sadly common, but its not right or "normal".

Dinosweetpea · 31/08/2025 16:42

I have 2 children, oldest has a disability. I have a child who is technically 'easier' but no, there isn't ever a favourite. Your husband is a dick. Everything is more difficult for your elder one and you are doing the right thing with your praise etc. Your husband is seriously damaging your eldest with some of these comments.

JudithDunbar · 31/08/2025 16:47

Could've guaranteed 'I'd leave him' would be there within the first three replies. Swiftly followed by OP's husband being a 'horrible little man'. Typical mumsnet baying banshees.

WilloesWorld · 31/08/2025 16:53

@JudithDunbar Who through you a bone!!!..I don’t suppose you have a child with additional needs have you?..Because if you had you would no doubt feel angry too!!..It’s disgusting behaviour.

Luckyingame · 31/08/2025 17:00

Yes, it's normal.
Seems that he can't/won't help it.
I do understand, it's unfortunate.

MissyB1 · 31/08/2025 17:05

Luckyingame · 31/08/2025 17:00

Yes, it's normal.
Seems that he can't/won't help it.
I do understand, it's unfortunate.

No it isn’t normal. Well it might be in your house but judge every family by that.

OP, stop tolerating this, put your foot down very very firmly. Advocate for your child, they are depending on you to do that. Believe me your eldest knows his dad is putting him down.

MoominMai · 31/08/2025 17:35

MissyB1 · 31/08/2025 17:05

No it isn’t normal. Well it might be in your house but judge every family by that.

OP, stop tolerating this, put your foot down very very firmly. Advocate for your child, they are depending on you to do that. Believe me your eldest knows his dad is putting him down.

Show quote history

💯 this.

Imagine if a non related partner was doing this - you wouldn’t tolerate it. No different - in fact worse, that the biological father is acting like this.

Hope you can navigate this okay 🤞

Pinkissmart · 31/08/2025 17:52

It's not normal, it's emotionally damaging. Is he ok with that?
What a twat

Original poster
BroForce · 31/08/2025 17:52

I do put my foot down. And tell him straight. He rejects it entirely. Today he was totally unreasonable with DS when DS didnt want to leave the house (for all of 2 mins) and DS jumps on my lap "i just want mummy, daddy is horrible" and then H really gets annoyed as he says me and DS against him and im being a bad mother anx he wont tolerate DS playing us etc. And im definitely not doing United parenting in that moment. In fact I told H to leave us alone and that H is 40 years older than DS and yet he is the one making every argument worst. Which is probs v undermining but I dont know what else to do. If he was just impatient that would be one thing But its only with the oldest. That's what I find so hard. But H denies it entirely

OP posts:
Mandylovescandy · 31/08/2025 17:56

My DH really struggles with our autistic eldest and it makes me really sad as well. He isn't directly critical so hard to point out specific examples but it's definitely there. At times though he is great with him and overall I think it is better for us to be together but if ever I do leave DH this would be a major part of it. Think my DH might be neuro diverse as well and that is part of what makes it harder for him

Original poster
BroForce · 31/08/2025 18:16

@Mandylovescandy its so tough isn't it? I honestly spot it all the time. Occasionally really obvious but mostly subtle...DS asks for a cuddle and H cuddles him but its half hearted or I see a eye roll. But H makes me feel like im mad or seeing stuff.

I have thought about leaving H but actually this is one of the things that puts me off rather than drives it. As I worry without me there the favouritism will be more pronounced. Im pretty sure it wpild be and that makes me feel too sad

What's so horrible is that I see that favoritism everywhere...everyone warms to younger son and not older son...and it makes me feel so sad for him and that its his own father too

OP posts:
Bluesey · 31/08/2025 18:19

It's so sad OP that your ds is likely to have so many struggles with kids/people due to his autism and he can't even rely on his own dad to have his back. He's obviously already aware of it which is why he's constantly trying to get his attention.

Ideally your husband needs to start working hard to build a bond with ds. Is there something that they could do together that they would both enjoy? Fishing, football, going to maccy d's, building lego anything that they might both like and have them do just the 2 of them together. DH needs to be patient though and put the work in. There's no point if he's just going to get annoyed with ds.

BettysRoasties · 31/08/2025 18:22

Unfortunately totally normal to find that one parent and even other family members prefer the easy child.

Not saying it’s right but often it’s very obvious.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page