Mums

[gunnermartin]

There’s so many posts about kids on here and I have three boys who are all so completely different I’d like to just make a post about how you’re not being a shit parent.

I have raised all three of mine the exact same way.

One of mine is about to move countries. One of mine is on anxiety medication because he’s spent too much time comparing himself to people on instagram (he is of age to have it) but is also in full time college and has started meds and now has a part time job. One of mine is struggling attending school before his GCSES because he just doesn’t get on with school.

My main advice would be to speak to each individual child and realise how their own brain works. Pick up on traits you think you have from yourself and their father and work with them.

I have taken so much time to realise my kids are all their own people which how I have raised them and realised they won’t have all the same views as me.

I don’t think I’ve done a great job but as my friends tell me as I have as my kids speak to me about everything and I’ve finally realised it’s because I speak to them as little people and my mother did not with me.

Youre all doing the best you can with the means you have and I just wanted to say that today. Everyone posting even if it’s about failing you’re posting to get advice to make it better and that’s fucking fantastic. The kids today are so different to what we were and you’re amazing

No two kids are really raised the same way, there will always be diferences, even within the same family

I hear you. I have 3 boys too (well, two are adults now).

Dc1 is outgoing, adventurous and talented. He aced school at maths and physics and has just completed his engineering apprenticeship and got a job in quantum computing. He has some lovely friends, plays guitar in a band and has numerous hobbies. He's one of those guys who seems to excel at whatever he turns his hand to, but is very self effacing and modest (unless he's on stage). He puts his friends first and would drop everything for them.

Dc2 did not do well I his exams, it took him 2 goes to get English and 3 goes to get maths. He did manage to get a couple of NVQs in IT, but left collage without a job. He's on jobseekers now, applying for anything and everything, but like so many, he doesn't even get responses. He had one good friend at school but they fell out over a pretty fundamental difference in opinions and he now has no friends, despite trying. He probably has a degree of autism and definitely has dyspraxia (sadly covid happened just before the school were going to get him a diagnosis). He has one hobby, which is reading and writing, which takes up most of his time. He has an incredible imagination and has a very well defined set of values and beliefs.

My ds3 is sporty. Anything physical and he's on it. He started off with gymnastics, and now he does athletics, cricket, and paddleboarding too. He has a group of friends that includes girls as well as boys. He's very easily influenced by popular culture and what's "in" or not. He's about to hit puberty, so all this could change!

Yes, but I think what op is saying is that kids are all going to be who they are despite us. We are just thier custodians and all we can do is nurture and guide them. We can't own all of their successes and failures as they have their own individual paths, but it's an amazing privilege despite these ups and downs to watch them and help them through it.

Is the one moving countries the eldest, the anxious one the middle child, and the school refuser the youngest?

Nah, this absolves parents of too much responsibility! Parents have so much profound influence over their offspring. All your choices will affect them in some way. It is unavoidable. Of course they will have their own nature, and that does play a big part. But you don’t get to skip out on your part!

Thank you OP. I needed that today. And I agree. In this day and age where we feel so invested and responsible for every little bit of bringing up our kids in a way our parents didn’t.
I realised recently that actually, our guilt and anxiety over our parenting actually puts a lot of pressure on THEM. Sometimes the healthiest way is to step back and let them grow the way they need to, with guidance if they ask ( and guidance not full tilt over invested micromanaging).
Im really trying to do this, and accept my kids are who they are and have been from day one, no matter what I do or don’t do.

Who said they were skipping out?

I do feel this, except with my eldest. I was pregnant at 17, had her at 18. Me and her dad weren’t together for long, they had a relationship though and he’s always been in her life. I’d met someone else when she was 5, had another baby when she was 9 and again when she was 10. When she hit her teens I was knee deep in toddler life with 2. I should have put a lot more time into her, she had an absolute awful few years with school hardly went, her mental health was through the floor and she was with many undesirable boys. 13-17 was years of hell. She met a nice guy at 18 and had her first baby, I’d hoped for more for her. Her dad became a grandfather and a father for the second time in the same month.
She’s now 22 and has 2 children, she’s buying a house and she went back to night college to get her GCSES, she works as a health care assistant.

I look back and think both me and her dad could have been much better parents to her. She has got to where she’s go thankfully from her own work and wanting to eventually succeed but we could have guided her a lot better. I’ve had many honest conversations with her about our life and accepted responsibility for a lot of what she went through.
All of her siblings on both sides have a much more settled life and background. I know they could of course have troubles a long the way too but they have far more stability and a better chance, especially at living their lives as youngsters.