Has anyone felt despondent in marriage and managed to turn it around?

[NameChangeforMarriageQun]

Been married 12 yrs.

Fairly early on in our marriage (months in) husband joined a cult and lost interest in having fun (walks, cinema, restaurants, swimming , etc etc) ...it was all "illusion" and if we weren't reading books written by the cult or spending time with people in the cult it was all uncomfortable for him.

We fought through those years and stuck together, negotiating, therapising, fighting, repairing. He's out of the cult now, has massively strengthened himself in therapy so I don't think he'd fall into one again, and things could be good, but I just seem to have lost my mojo with regards to the relationship...I can't be bothered to put the effort in.

I don't know why I feel like this now. I don't know why I feel like walking away when things could be fine.
Has anyone felt this way and changed it around?

(Posts saying "leave him" are probably not helpful as this is top of my mind anyway! Need some devil's advocates)

The thing that stood out to me was "things could be fine". I'm not sure how hard I would fight for 'fine', particularly given what you have already been through.

That said, sometimes we struggle to see good when we are feeling down about certain things. Set yourself a challenge to imagine one positive thing each day that you could do with DH either now or future. Maybe you can see better than fine but you're not looking there?

God, you’re a better woman than me sticking with him through the cult nonsense… (which one, btw?)

As with the previous poster, is fighting for ‘fine’ or muddling along, worth it?

In answer to your question: yes I have felt despondent but ours was child-induced despondence. We had a difficult second child and are coming out of the other side now. So we sort of stuck it out in boredom, sleep deprivation and stress because we had kids and clung onto the fact that one day it would get better. (It did)

The cult thing sounds really alarming and like hard work. I wouldn’t have stuck around for that.
Is “fine” enough for you?

Yeh that's a good idea, things can perhaps blossom into something better that way

It was the Hare Krishnas, although many many people follow it and are completely normal and happy, he just took it really extreme.
I think immediately after we had a child who has SEN so perhaps that's contributing to the despondence, although part of me thinks it's giving us something to talk about and do together

Edited to add...the me now wouldn't have stayed but I was more "dutiful" then if you see what I mean. You know this is a good question and what I like MN for. To be honest I don't know any different...my parents did not model a healthy relationship for example so "fine" is definitely something I'd settle for or at least start with as my imagination finds it hard to stretch beyond that!

Your marriage was good for a few months and presumably your relationship leading up to the wedding was happy. I guess you need to look back at that period and try to recapture that vibe, taking into account that you are 12-15 years older and have young children so perhaps can’t do the all-night clubbing type stuff that you may have enjoyed back then … I’m talking about getting the “feeling” of that period, not going back to it iyswim.

It does seem a shame to separate now when you worked so hard during and after the ridiculous cult phase. But if you feel that an amicable divorce is best, don’t feel guilty. You really have tried - no one can say otherwise.

Maybe you've got compassion fatigue. You've worked so hard to get to this point, and he's not magically turned into the fun, sexy, companionable partner we all would like. It must feel like such a waste of all your time and effort.

Yeh I think this is what I need to focus on, plus as you say not feeling guilty if it's not enough to

Oh compassion fatigue is exactly the right description! It's nice to have words for it.

We had a tough time marriage-wise after DD was born, up to when she was about 4-5. There were nice parts but it seemed like we were on different pages about everything, had separate lives, and were both permanently tired. Physical intimacy died on its backside - we were either too tired or just couldn’t be arsed. We were rapidly becoming housemates, and not housemates who got on particularly well. I did think frequently about ending it and I suspect he did too.

However, from DD starting school, things gradually improved, and we’re now in a much much better place, and I’m glad I stuck around.

Granted, he was never in a cult.

I think that all marriages go through peaks and troughs, especially when you have small children and life is busy. But relationships shouldn't be such hard work - you're a better woman than me, I would have left if my husband got obsessed with a cult!

How did things improve since school starting? That's exactly the stage we're at now so a rough roadmap would help!
I think the cult thing means there are a lot of past arguments that I remember from time to time (but that's my problem to work through) and fear of what would happen if he falls back into one again (which is slowly fading as I realise it's unlikely now, plus that I can walk away if things go down that path). So yes, added baggage but none I can't unpack.

look up MenoDivorce.

Ah jeez this sounds like just the thing that seems to be going on !