NC for this one as quite personal.
My DSis is older than me by about 17 years. I’m early 30s. We didn’t really grow up together as she moved out when she was 18 and I was 1. Our relationship has had peaks and troughs, mostly troughs.
It would be an entire novel if I wrote everything down so I guess I’ll have to summarise! Some of the main issues between us:
- her partner is abusive to her (I know it’s emotional, don’t know about physical). I temporarily lived with them when I was about 22 and had to tread on eggshells constantly
- Her partner and his mates used to laugh and joke about ejaculating all over me, when I was about 13. DSis tells me it’s just a joke and thinks I shouldn't be upset.
- Her partner groped me and my mum once Xmas when he was on cocaine and DSis refuses to talk about it. She’s never mention it since. This was 20 years ago
- her partner has groped me in the cinema, I was about 22
- she bought me a few things when I went to uni and paid my phone bill a few times and about ten years later she flew into a rage as I hadn’t ’paid’ the money back (even though it wasn’t a loan). I paid her back to keep the peace but it took 6 months of me asking for her bank details for her to give them to me - I think it’s a control thing. (In hindsight I should have just posted cash.)
- she is constantly passive aggressive and unpleasant in messages. When I say to her that her messages are upsetting, she gaslights me and says I’m imagining that they’re nasty
- she hasn’t invited me anywhere or asked if I wanted to meet in a decade, if we meet up it’s because I’ve planned it. Then when we do she’s weird and it’s awkward
- she’s nasty and dismissive about my entire life/anything I do
- she recently told me that she’s angry at the way I’ve treated her over the years, when I asked for examples she said that once I didn’t get back to her about going to a museum and once I cancelled on her (I didn’t have the funds to do what we had planned - she didn’t lose out on any money and it wasn’t a last minute plan). When I ask her what else, her nastiness starts escalating and she’ll just shut the conversation down. I’ve asked her if we can try to clear the air and sort things out, which made her nastiness escalate
- she was really awful to me once and I was upset and told my mum, who told DSis that her behaviour wasn’t nice. DSis called me and was very threatening and angry that I thought it was okay for me to talk to other people?!
there is A LOT more but that’s just off the top of my head. it’s draining and it feels like it can never be resolved because she won’t forgive and forget but at the same time thinks I am being too sensitive about the stuff with her partner (not as though she’ll explicitly say it’s true anyway). I don’t know what to do other than go no contact.
AIBU: try to smooth things over
AINBU: to go no contact (I’ve tried low contact and it makes her more unpleasant as I think she feels like she’s losing control of the situation)