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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son seeing his dad for what he is

26 replies

forgottenkevin · 29/08/2025 23:37

My ex and I share a ds14. We split when he was about 2. I look back now and can see it was probably the worst relationship of my life. Despite having the capability to be caring and nice, my ex had a horrendous temper and became fixated easily on things. If things didn’t go his way he would become irrationally angry and abusive. Also issues with addiction and cheating. He was a shit partner and my life got much better when i was free of him.

However I’ve never really been free of him due to having ds. Now all my worries are transferred onto him. Ex is actually very pleasant to me now and despite the odd row over the years, on the face of it we have co parented well. Ds is a lovely boy, ex has consistently maintained contact and we are flexible and respectful of one another. A far cry from our actual relationship.

However ds has confided in me recently that his dad is quite awful to ds stepmum. It seems like she is downtrodden and bitched about by ex and his family. There is often a bad atmosphere in their house and ex is also very strict towards their children (ds half siblings). He told me his dad has been known to kick off in public (think shouting at shop workers, that kind of thing) and he finds it embarrassing. I get the feeling that ds is starting to notice his dad’s behaviour and recognise it for what it is - embarrassing, juvenile and at times borderline abusive. He has no control over his actions and behaviour once he’s lost his rag.

I have explained to ds that he is of an age where he is able to make his own choice about who he spends his time with. He doesn’t have to go there if he doesn’t want to. But despite the negatives, ex can be pretty nice and normal most of the time. They do activities together and have a holiday booked that ds claims he wants to go on.

It all makes me so uneasy. I left my ex so my ds didn’t have to grow up in a toxic environment but he is still witnessing this behaviour. I’m worried something will kick off while they are away and that ds will be abroad, upset and wanting to come home. I’m worried about what impact his dad’s behaviour will have on him, although glad that ds recognises that it is wrong.

I want to protect him and if he were clearly telling me he didn’t want to see his dad and he didn’t want to go on holiday I would absolutely advocate for him even though I would get endless abuse from ex and his family. But ds seems confused in the sense that he still wants to see him even though he acknowledges he’s a bit of a dick at times.

How do I navigate this? Do I bother trying to talk to my ex? I can’t see that going well since he can’t take any criticism and it’s always everyone else’s fault.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/08/2025 23:48

Interesting. I’m so glad your son realizes and isn’t idolizing or copying him. You must have taught him some good morals well done.

but you don’t need to do much. Your son isn’t in danger. He’s seeing someone act unkindly, but it sounds like his dad is ok to him. He only has one dad and of course he wants to do the holiday amd
have some kind of relationship with him, he just needs a safe space (you) to talk through the weird stuff about his dad.

MySweetMaggie · 30/08/2025 01:11

if it were me, I would just listen to your son. The fact that he's talking to you at that age means you've done a great job creating a safe connection between you both.

Onceaponceatime · 30/08/2025 02:14

There is no ‘ borderline abusive’ about it.

pilates · 30/08/2025 02:37

Your ex doesn’t sound like he will listen or take on board anything you would say. I think the only thing you can do is keep reiterating to your son that it is not acceptable behaviour, glad he recognises it and if he ever doesn’t want to see his dad you will support him,

Keep lines of communication open.

My DH’s mum always said to him about his dad you will understand when you’re older and he did. He recognised his dad was an arsehole.

avignon1234 · 30/08/2025 03:06

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/08/2025 23:48

Interesting. I’m so glad your son realizes and isn’t idolizing or copying him. You must have taught him some good morals well done.

but you don’t need to do much. Your son isn’t in danger. He’s seeing someone act unkindly, but it sounds like his dad is ok to him. He only has one dad and of course he wants to do the holiday amd
have some kind of relationship with him, he just needs a safe space (you) to talk through the weird stuff about his dad.

I think this is great advice. I suspect your son is seeing his Dad through adult eyes, and whereas he might not like it, and might have plenty to say afterwards, I would not have thought he would be in danger. If he wants to go, any interference from you at this point will simply cause trouble as being a blocker. Let him go, let him experience how it is. It might be fine. if it is not, your son will soon vote with his own feet without any intervention. If he has a phone, he can call you. Also, try not to worry x

Dizzy82 · 30/08/2025 03:29

Very similar to my childhood, age 2 when parents separated and as I grew older I became aware of my dad's behaviour. I've not actually spoken to him in over 10 years now as he told me not to take my son round anymore as.he was hard work - this was prior to my son's autism diagnosis.

I'd say let him see his dad if he wants, but don't force it.

Original poster
forgottenkevin · 30/08/2025 09:11

I definitely wouldn’t stop contact. I never have. I have always believed ds would eventually see his dad for what he was and it seems that’s starting to happen.

I wouldn’t say he’s in danger as such but I know from going through it myself that being on the receiving end of ex’s outbursts is very frightening.

OP posts:
GreenAndWhiteStripes · 30/08/2025 09:14

I wouldn't try to talk to your ex about this OP as it seems very unlikely that he'd listen. As other posters say, just keep talking to your son. It's good that he realises this isn't the right way to behave.

BeenzManeenz · 30/08/2025 14:40

Sounds like you've done an amazing job with your DS, the fact he's come to you with this speaks volumes. And bravo for maintaining a steady co-parenting relationship with someone who sounds like a complete tw*t.

I can understand your concern about an outburst, but since it hasn't happened yet I dont think you can do much. As hard as that is. Because it may never happen. It if it does of course then you'd be totally reasonable to step in contact wise.

At 14 he's at an age where he can make his own decisions. I'd say keep doing what you're doing, he will come to his own conclusion eventually.

Snorlaxo · 30/08/2025 14:48

I wouldn’t talk to ex. Worst case scenario he’s going to take it out on ds and ds will stop telling you stuff.

Ime it takes a while from the realisation to acting on the info. Due to biological programming there will be a part of him in denial and wanting to see more instances before accepting the truth.

Think of some of the relationship posts on here. Adult women will tell their story then be gobsmacked when people say that the other person is abusive and go into defensive mode even though the other person is nasty.

For now, be there for him. As he grows up and does stuff like get a part time job, it may be easier for him to reduce contact.

Emmz1510 · 30/08/2025 14:55

I think you just continue to be a supportive listening ear. You can’t exactly stop him going, this would just backfire on you and might damage the very positive relationship you have with your son. The very fact he is talking to you about what is going on in his dads home indicates he knows it’s wrong and that’s a good sign.
Make sure he knows he can call you ANY time and has strategies for protecting himself. Sad that he should need them but the situation is what it is. Make sure he knows how to call the Police if he feels threatened or unsafe. Hopefully it won’t come to that.

LieInsAreExtinct · 30/08/2025 14:59

Well done for getting this far and doing such a great job with your DS. This really resonates with me as my DS thought the sun shone out of his dad's behind for many years, and I didn't do much to try to convince him otherwise. (His problem was substance abuse-related but he was emotionally unstable including angry outbursts, general sniping unpleasantness and bouts of tearful self-pity amongst other things) His dad said awful things about me to DS but I always held back. The same thing happened around the same age - Dad's being horrible to me, Dad was so embarrassing when we went out...then when DS was 15 his dad was arrested for drink driving with DS in the car. DS asked me questions about the end of the marriage for the first time and I felt he was old enough to hear some of the awful things which had happened before I got him out. DS reaction was "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
There was a holiday when he got his licence back, and I was very apprehensive about it (DS was 17 by then) There were a couple of mishaps but nothing serious.
I think you are doing the right thing OP, let your son decide for himself and keep up the dialogue.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 30/08/2025 15:23

My ex is also verbally abusive, angry and chaotic- he can be a real bully. It was my biggest fear that he’d behave like that to the children as they got older and started challenging him, and indeed it has. The little ones still think he’s great, why wouldn’t they, he has zero boundaries with them, but my eldest DD (16) bears the brunt of his behaviour now, she and I are very similar and he hates that. I’ve always told her I support her whatever she wants; she is old enough to choose how much or how little she sees her father, and that it’s not her fault, it’s his problem not hers. She has chosen to go very low contact, but went away with him and her siblings for a few days this summer, and said never again. Sounds like he was awful to her. I’m raging obviously, and she’s been in counselling for some years, but it has to be her decision to see/not see him. Ultimately, he’s not dangerous, just an asshole, and his behaviour has driven her away. All I can do is be there for her 💯, I can’t change the person he is, but I support her to make her own decisions regarding boundaries with her dad, she knows she grew up in a household where domestic abuse was present, and I’m so grateful that she has a strong sense of right and wrong, and is able to advocate for herself by deciding not to see him. I strongly suspect that one by one all my children will decide the same.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 30/08/2025 15:35

You have protected him. He can see his Dads outbursts for what they are precisely because you've been able to let him grow up in an environment without them.

Yes, he's still having to witness them, but he has the knowledge that he has a home where he'll never be subjected to them, where he's safe.

There's nothing more you can do about it, talking to your ex about it isn't likely to have any effect. All you can do is support your son in whatever decision he makes about seeing his father going forward.

sgtmajormum · 30/08/2025 15:38

Ive been in a similar scenario but alcohol was the issue rather than a temper.

I did have to have words with the ex along the lines of him clearing up his act or boys would not be going to see him anymore as they didn't feel safe and I wasnt happy to leave them with a drunk adult.

We cut back a bit on his contact time and he did indeed get his drinking under control.

Boys are now 17 & 15. Youngest has never enjoyed staying at his Dad's so about a year ago spoke to ex and said I was not going to force them to go and they could choose themselves.
Ex barely communicates with them now I'm not involved and boys see him maybe once every 4-6 weeks.
Everyone seems to be happy but they have mentioned a few times that 'dad is a shit parent' 😁

I don't think your son sounds like he is in danger but he is certainly old enough to make his own mind up about visiting

sgtmajormum · 30/08/2025 15:39

Ive been in a similar scenario but alcohol was the issue rather than a temper.

I did have to have words with the ex along the lines of him clearing up his act or boys would not be going to see him anymore as they didn't feel safe and I wasnt happy to leave them with a drunk adult.

We cut back a bit on his contact time and he did indeed get his drinking under control.

Boys are now 17 & 15. Youngest has never enjoyed staying at his Dad's so about a year ago spoke to ex and said I was not going to force them to go and they could choose themselves.
Ex barely communicates with them now I'm not involved and boys see him maybe once every 4-6 weeks.
Everyone seems to be happy but they have mentioned a few times that 'dad is a shit parent' 😁

I don't think your son sounds like he is in danger but he is certainly old enough to make his own mind up about visiting

Pherian · 30/08/2025 15:50

forgottenkevin · 29/08/2025 23:37

My ex and I share a ds14. We split when he was about 2. I look back now and can see it was probably the worst relationship of my life. Despite having the capability to be caring and nice, my ex had a horrendous temper and became fixated easily on things. If things didn’t go his way he would become irrationally angry and abusive. Also issues with addiction and cheating. He was a shit partner and my life got much better when i was free of him.

However I’ve never really been free of him due to having ds. Now all my worries are transferred onto him. Ex is actually very pleasant to me now and despite the odd row over the years, on the face of it we have co parented well. Ds is a lovely boy, ex has consistently maintained contact and we are flexible and respectful of one another. A far cry from our actual relationship.

However ds has confided in me recently that his dad is quite awful to ds stepmum. It seems like she is downtrodden and bitched about by ex and his family. There is often a bad atmosphere in their house and ex is also very strict towards their children (ds half siblings). He told me his dad has been known to kick off in public (think shouting at shop workers, that kind of thing) and he finds it embarrassing. I get the feeling that ds is starting to notice his dad’s behaviour and recognise it for what it is - embarrassing, juvenile and at times borderline abusive. He has no control over his actions and behaviour once he’s lost his rag.

I have explained to ds that he is of an age where he is able to make his own choice about who he spends his time with. He doesn’t have to go there if he doesn’t want to. But despite the negatives, ex can be pretty nice and normal most of the time. They do activities together and have a holiday booked that ds claims he wants to go on.

It all makes me so uneasy. I left my ex so my ds didn’t have to grow up in a toxic environment but he is still witnessing this behaviour. I’m worried something will kick off while they are away and that ds will be abroad, upset and wanting to come home. I’m worried about what impact his dad’s behaviour will have on him, although glad that ds recognises that it is wrong.

I want to protect him and if he were clearly telling me he didn’t want to see his dad and he didn’t want to go on holiday I would absolutely advocate for him even though I would get endless abuse from ex and his family. But ds seems confused in the sense that he still wants to see him even though he acknowledges he’s a bit of a dick at times.

How do I navigate this? Do I bother trying to talk to my ex? I can’t see that going well since he can’t take any criticism and it’s always everyone else’s fault.

Your ex doesn’t have to take things well - that you tell him. In fact he can get as mad as he wants.

There is a guy called Jefferson Fisher on Facebook who is a communications expert. I recommend checking out his content to help you navigate difficult conversations with people who try and derail the conversation through anger, insults, manipulation and other tactics.

Hankunamatata · 30/08/2025 15:55

Just be dc sounding board. Tell him he is on control of his visits to his dad. If there's anyhting he wants to talk over your here. Listen in none judgemental manner.

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/08/2025 15:57

I definitely would not raise it with your ex, I don't see how thats going to help anyone.

Just make sure your DS knows he can talk to you whenever he wants - he doesn't have to see his Dad if he doesn't want to, and if possible... if he finds he's in a situation he wants out of, he can call you and you can collect him.

So he has an escape route if things get scary at any point.

I might have a chat about how we all hit an age where we realise our parents are not perfect, have flaws, are humans first, not just parents, and we don't necessarily have to like or even accept, some of their behaviour!

LlynTegid · 30/08/2025 15:59

Your DS is facing something very difficult for him. It is in some ways a bit like having someone with an addiction who when not succumbing to it (alcohol, drugs for example) is a different person.

You seem loving and caring and want the best for him. Hopefully seeing his dad for who he is (vile on occasions) will mean he never becomes like that.

JLou08 · 30/08/2025 16:27

You did the right thing leaving your ex, even though DS is seeing some of this behaviour you have modeled what is right, that's why he recognises it.
I wouldn't do anything other than listen to DS and follow his lead right now. It's great that he feels safe to talk to you, any conflict between you and dad could jeopardise that. At 14, a family court will be taking your DS's views and based on your post they would likely go along with what he wants so I wouldn't do anything that could make it worse right now.

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 30/08/2025 16:42

I think you've raised a good lad, perceptive and empathetic. You've co parented well, even awful ex. I'd let him do what he wants. I'd also subtly encourage him to be thoughtful to exs wife and his siblings. If she ever leaves him she will remember that.

Perrenial · 30/08/2025 16:49

This is very similar to my ex & my son although it took him longer to catch on.

He decided not to have anything to do with his Dad at the age of 17.

We had a chat recently & I said I hoped I hadn’t given him a poor example of relationships from my history & he said he had learned how not to behave from his Dad - there’s positives if you look for them.

Frugalgal · 30/08/2025 16:49

The OP and other women on this thread who have told of similar experiences provide a perfect lesson in why it is so important to leave abusive relationships; their kids have grown up able to recognise abusive/asshole adult behaviour and make a judgement as to whether they are prepared to be around it, not having normalised and internalised it.

Original poster
forgottenkevin · 30/08/2025 19:06

Thank you all so much I really do appreciate the comments and support.

It’s very sad to know that ex hasn’t grown up or improved with age. Because he’s generally fine with me now I guess I thought he’d mellowed a bit but obviously I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. We all just want the best for our dc don’t we and it saddens me to know that ds is still witnessing such shitty behaviour but I’m pleased he knows it is unacceptable. He actually said ‘well I’m on (stepmoms) side, dad was the one being an idiot not her’.

OP posts: