Son's hypervigilance of my mood

[SchoolZooTrip]

My son (6) seems to have a hypervigilance about my mood which (ironically) makes me feel really irritated.
For example today we were arriving to a self catering holiday. It was later than we normally eat so I took us to a supermarket to pick up some food. When we got to the car he was chatting instead of sitting in the car so I said "get inside the car we can chat in there" and he said "why are you being cranky". Thing is, I was
a) being careful of my tone because he's been doing that all week
b) not actually feeling cranky just wanted to get on with it
c) made sure that I put across (I thought anyway) that I was interested in what he was saying and not rejecting him

It's anytime I am concentrating, rushing a little, tired, ask him to do something he doesn't want to do (like put his socks on), when he's cranky, and sometimes when we're just having a normal interaction and I'm not feeling much of anything...and it's exhausting me! It's almost like he's hungry to receive a level of attention I can't give him or is really paranoid about our bond or something.

He was very on edge as a baby too, would have a meltdown if I needed to go to the loo for example, but we've put a lot into building our attachment and his resilience, and he seemed to have grown out of it, until now 🤷🙈

Sounds like he’s feeling anxious. Maybe school starting again is on his mind?

I have a 6 year old too and he asks me things like this. I don’t really give it much thought to be honest - I just tell him that I’m not annoyed/upset but that I just would like him to do X (or whatever) and even if I was annoyed/upset, that’s okay too. And then he tells me that I’m being too bossy and I shouldn’t tell him what to do all the time... I think it’s just part of being 6. We have a pretty secure bond so I think it’s him just exploring people’s emotions really.

I try and tell our kids that emotions are like waves in the sea and that they come and go and you were just having a cranky wave splashing over you and that it will pass. Human emotions are constant, and thoughts are continuous but they are not always true, nor do they show what kind of person we are? I think teaching children to name the emotion they are feeling is important.

My daughter is still like this as a teen. I have no advice, I never managed to crack this one.

My son is like this and he’s autistic and it drives me crazy. Makes me mad when I wasn’t mad to start with. That I feel I have to perform all the time to save the “are you mad” type question drives me nuts. So no advice but sympathy.

Thank you for this! I did try to tease it out of him but he's very closed with his emotions. It made me think though and we did some art around the emotion "cranky" which seems to have shifted things a bit

Ah thank you, makes me less worried!

Thanks, I said this to him and it seemed to release some tension around it

Ah bless! Any easier to live with?

Perform all the time...that's exactly it!!

We have managed to shift this episode of it a bit...but more the behaviour than the underlying attitude that if I'm doing anything other than paying him full attention I must be cranky 🙈🤷

My ADHD dd was like this. She’d sort of mimic my mood. She’s got RSD too.

Just tell him what you are feeling and why - you don’t need to change in any way, just help him understand you better. It’s good that he wants to know. You could also find out how he feels when you are cranky - eg do you not like it? Then you can find out more about him.

Yes my autistic son hates it if my voice changes so if I sound irritated or bored he’s straight on it so annoying!

Ah I did wonder if it was part of it all as we suspect asd /ADHD too (under assessment)

Good idea, thanks

Ah yes here too! Is there a name for the sensitivity to tone of voice?

I have diagnosed autism and undiagnosed adhd and was exactly like this with my mother growing up. Couldn't read her, felt sensitive about being rejected all the time, constantly asking 'are you angry at me'.

My AuDHD child is like this sometimes. Tells me I'm "shouting" when I'm actually expressing emotion but haven't raised my voice and gets annoyed when I laugh at comedies.