Ex manipulation and divorce

[Ithinididit]

So exh and i went for a divorce mediation to share assets. Its been years of him hiding money, denying access to funds, not paying anything towards the dc, leaving me with all bills, debt etc etc.. ive had to endure gaslighting, shouting, name calling. Struggling but being the bigger person. Not letting the kids see me being rude back to him.

Then, the night before the mediation he turns up to my house with pizzas for everyone. All happy and cheery. Offers me some pizza. Even pours me a drink. I know him by now and know the game. Next day he turns up at mediation with cakes for everyone. Offers me some. Has nice new clothes on. Good looking and charming.

I state my claim and what i want. Point out that im solely responsible for the dc financially because he refuses to contribute. He claims he buys dc clothes and dinners all the time. And i knew it was coming - 'you say i dont contribute but who brought pizzas to your house yesterday that you happily enjoyed!?'

Im so glad mediator saw through him. It looks like im going to be Ok. She even texted me later to check details and to say she was sorry for his behaviour. I cant believe i used to fall for this over and over again. He would do something nice, and use it against me when it was handy. Its amazing to know im not crazy. He is.

Please say the mediator saw through him and pointed it out to his face!!? I have no idea how mediation works but if it was pointed out to his face, that must have been so satisfying and validating for you to see. And absolutely awful for him 😂

Why on earth are you even letting your ex over the doorstep and into your house?! Especially if he's been behaving so badly for years through the divorce?
Sorry, but you're allowing yourself to be treated badly by letting him remain in your life.
The children can have a relationship with him of course but you don't need to.
The sooner you cut ties with him, the sooner you will feel the absolute relief that he really is your ex.
Try parenting apps instead and block all normal channels of communication with him.
Good luck, from someone who is still going through a divorce but is utterly relieved to be no contact with her ex and getting on with her life.

I knew someone would say that. That is just how i have chosen to deal with it. I can see his manipulation like its paint on his face, so it doesnt affect me anymore and i know to expect the backlash. Its a question of when, not if.
I realised pretty quickly after divorce, that the best way to deal with him was to let him mess it all up by himself. He creates such a mayhem, and plays the victim, that the more i 'protect' myself, the more of a baddie i seem to everyone especially the children. If i turn him away for example, he would milk it all he can 'Mum doesnt let me see you! I only wanted to bring you pizzas' or whatever. The police doesn't come if theres no physical violence. Now if im polite, stable, neutral, unaffected, the more he stays away. Unless when he wants something of course. And the children know who is the baddie. Because it is always him who shouts. Not me.

No, the mediation had to be neutral and impartial. Thats why she texted me after. I was so grateful. Someone actually sees the situation as it is. Hes so good at playing the victim that most people do believe him. Joint friends have turned against me. People dont talk to me. Hes been going aroind saying im greedy, want his money, dont let him see the kids, when its him who comes and goes as he wishes. Doesnt let me know in advance when hes coming around, pays nothing and wanted way more than half of joint assets.. And people believe him. Let them.

You're absolutely right that if you hadn't let him in with the pizzas he'd have used that against you. You know his tricks, and you see right though him - I bet that drives him crazy!

You sound like you've got him all worked out and you know what you want. Keep your eyes on the goal and keep going. You're almost there, and now that the mediator can see the situation she won't let him pull the wool over her either. Best of luck getting the settlement you deserve, and I hope you can move on in the future without letting him affect you.