How to deal with this? Feel so upset

[Deela10]

DP and I had planned to ttc again this month. This was decided a few months ago and the wider discussion had taken place a year ago. I turned 37 in august so that was my point at which it was now or never for a second.

We have a daughter who is 4. The reason we waited was because DP was moving around for work (medical).

Anyway getting to the point… we ttc last week, at least I thought we were. Afterwards he admitted he hadn’t ejaculated. After I pressed him as to why, he said he was still worried about job security. He has been on temporary contracts for almost 15 years, we have huge amounts of savings and there’s absolutely no financial reason why we would need to wait for him to be in a permanent job.

We had a long talk and I explained this was unfair on me, he said he would love another dc and that hasn’t changed. He is v good dad to our daughter. He then said we could try again next month.

I feel like I will never know now if he is actually ejaculating? How will I know for sure? If he continued to do this I would end it but I feel horrible not knowing for certain one way or another whether we have a ttc problem or whether he’s intentionally not finishing. I am so embarrassed and upset about this and feel like I’ve been strung along!!

Not to be crude but can you not tell from the cum needing to.. yknow leak out?

@Cookingupmyfirstbornson I guess so but if he says he has and it’s not much then I have to believe him don’t I? I just don’t know what to do if he lies again as I will feel so betrayed. I never saw this coming and totally trusted him and our future

Is he saying that he didn't / couldn't ejaculate due to stress? It sounds like it in which case surely what he needs from you is support, I can't imagine how distressed I'd feel if I were struggling to orgasm because of other things going on and my partner's reaction was criticism and blame. Would you potentially consider looking for some therapy as a couple with the aim of helping you both feel more secure and comfortable?

I think you need to take a step back and ask him (calmly and outside of the bedroom), if he truly feels ready for another child. You say he's said he would "love" another DC but it slightly comes across in your post that he's under pressure to work to your timetable and maybe he's feeling pressured into this.

It's understandable that you don't want to miss your fertility window but if his heart's not in it then you may need to rethink. His stated reasons for not wanting to TTC may not make sense to you but they might be completely emotionally valid in his mind.

Take it away from these technical discussions about ejaculation and try to get to the heart of whether he actually wants another child.

If he says he has but he hasn't and you can't tell he's being deceitful.

Though if he is having issues then the pressure of TTC probably makes it worse.

I guess you need to tell him how you want him to enjoy it and you'll work together to make him orgasm. Hopefully it is only temporary.

He's stressed to the point of being unable to ejaculate, but your response was to tell him it's unfair on you?;YABU. You need to try to help him, not blame him or he'll never get better. Do you think your conversation will make him less stressed next time??

Was it that he chose not to ejaculate or that he couldn’t? I read it as he deliberately chose not to, but I might be wrong.

Why has he only had temporary work for 15 years ?

You need to determine if your husband failed to ejaculate because he 'held' himself back because he didn't want too inside of you or if he physically couldn't? There's a big difference between the two. If he's so stressed that he couldn't physically ejaculate, then he needs your support and a visit to see a Doctor. If he deliberately held himself back because he doesn't want you to get pregnant, then he's being unfair by stringing you along.

Gosh this is so crude to type but literally how can you not tell? Like it goes in you then either slowly or rapidly “leaks” back out either that night or the next day

You can tell if a man has ejaculated in to you or not.

If you’re trying to conceive then sex once a month isn’t cutting it. You need to be doing it loads and I doubt he can hold off every time.

Both of you need to want and be ready for a second child. You need to LISTEN to what he is telling you with his words and actions.
I understand the ticking clock thing, but you can’t bully him into another child if he doesn’t want it/isn’t ready.

Without being too graphic I always knew DP had done it, number one as it stings afterwards and number two what goes up must come down 🙃

Typically folk will turn on you OP. Maybe HE should have used HIS WORDS before sleeping with the OP when as far as she was aware they were TTC?

He has lied to you and I would find it very hard to trust him if only to be able to trust him to speak to you if he has an issue.

(And this isn’t the OPs fault as she surely be able to tell if he has ejaculated or not! Not always and maybe she wasn’t taking that much notice as she was unaware her dh would lie to her. Posters will now find any way to make the issue the OPs)

Agree with the poster above. Of course he should have told you that he has misgivings about having a second child right now, but I can see why he was worried about your reaction if he tried to broach the subject with you.

Like other PPs, I also don't understand how you're unable to tell if a man's jizzed inside you, because frankly the evidence is not difficult to locate, but that's not really the issue here.

It stings? Not in my experience!

I think if you make a huge deal out of this he wont want to have sex at all.

I can get why he lied if he was embarrassed. I think you just need to focus on regular sex not worry about timings, take some stress out of it

I mean he intentionally didn’t because he wanted to hold off ttc despite saying since January we would try for a second from august. Sorry my OP wasn’t clear