Seeing friends without children

[Worriemummy]

I have 3 children ( 5,3, 6m). I work full time but over 3 days. My best friend has 2 children (5 and 3), she works one day a week. Before children we would see each other every other week, even though we lived 250 miles apart. We also used to go on at least 2 big holidays a year and countless little city Breaks.

Since I’ve moved home ( I live 7 miles from her now) and we’ve had children it harder and harder to catch up with her without the kids. It’s hard to catch up with the kids but we usually manage it about 5 times a year. I ask often but she always has an excuse and is only really open to school holiday meet ups. Fine. I’ve accepted that.

meeting her alone is such an issue. I’ve asked to meet for coffee/ food l/ a walk - anything really. But it’s always a no, or she ignores my text or says yes but never progresses with the plans. When I do suggest something it’s always ‘can the kids come too’. She has a partner and 4 grandparents who look after the kids often for other things.

due to this I meet up with my other friends every other week. Sometimes only for an hour but it’s lovely. Every time I mention I’ve been out I get a nasty text about how she wishes we could spend time together without the children and how upset she is that I’ve mad the effort elsewhere. I’ve brought up my issues and she says she has no idea what I’m on about! Then I suggest another catch up and she said no 🫣

what would you do about this? I’m really confused and I just don’t understand how to carry on…

advice welcome!

Honestly id give up. She doesn't sound over keen to meet up with you.

Keep meeting your other friends, see how long it takes her to contact you. Put the ball in her court

Dump her. Sending a nasty text then gaslighting is not on. I cba with the drama. She’ll learn her lesson when she has no friends.

Spend time with the other friend with a clear conscience (no need to talk to her about it though). And I’d stop suggesting meet-ups. Leave it to her to organise things.

She’s gaslighting you.

Perhaps shes not got childcare as sussed as you think she does. I wouldn't dump her, but i would stop suggesting stuff without the kids.

Its a shame, I feel like this is how people burn out or loose themselves in parenting - but for some you cant ever get them to see it!

I would stop chasing. If she wanted to come … she would!

Maybe the GDP aren't as involved as u think ?or kids don't want to go.i would see your friends and not text her and not mention them.just accept she wants to meet up in the hols with children. Some parents are like this .she probably won't charge

I have just ended a 30 year friendship due to similar circumstances. Our children are older so it wasn't a case of childcare issues but more that she would ring and say how much she missed me and how we need to make time for each other. I was more than willing to do this but every time I suggested a coffee or a walk she was always busy!
Things came to a head when I went on a long weekend break with another close friend. I got a really sarcastic text message from her and for me it was the last straw. I'd done everything I could to try and maintain the friendship, suggested a spa day, a night away in the lakes etc but was always met with "sorry I'm working or I can't leave the boys for a night".
Rather than send a shitty text I've just literally removed her from all social media and blocked her number. It's so sad really but I just couldn't keep dealing with all the guilt tripping and gaslighting. Maybe I should have explained how I felt but I was honestly just done with it all.

I was sympathising with her a little until the last bit. I'm the friend that can never meet without the kids for various reasons. Ultimately friendships have fizzled because of this. However I always make efforts to meet with the children if people want to and I'd never be rude to someone for meeting others.

I’ve brought up my issues and she says she has no idea what I’m on about!

Forward every text you've sent her asking to meet up, that she's rejected. And then tell her that it's not for lack of trying.

She clearly only wants to meet with the children. What about term time, does she also reject meeting you then on your day off (assuming both of hers might be in school and nursery?).

Send her screenshots of you inviting her out and her refusing your invitation

Why won’t you meet her with the dc? If that is her sticking point why can’t you do what makes it easier for her ?

Dc are similar in age and it will be easier to meet (with or without kids) as they get older. Friendships can ebb and flow, and even if this ebbs a bit, things may improve in a year or two. So just give her a bit more time and space.

if you ask her - when & where do you want to meet (with or without kids), does she suggest anything?

never tell her how you are meeting up with other people without her. Just keep that quiet.

I do meet up with the children but every now and again it would be nice to meet for a coffee without them. When we meet with the children we’re so busy we hardly get to chat. When I’m saying I’d like to meet her without the children I only mean once or twice a year. In the 6 years we’ve had children I’ve only seen her once alone 😂😂

I think sometimes people overestimate how easy it is for other people to get childcare. Just because she has family nearby doesn't mean they will readily and easily look after her children nor that she wants to leave them with her. Some people don't like leaving their children when they're young and she might just be happy seeing you with the kids. It's weird that she's annoyed you're seeing other people. I just wouldn't engage in that. You've told her she doesn't want to meet without the kids and she knows that so you don't need to persuade her.

Next time she says she’d like to meet up without the kids pin her down there and then. If she moans you are meeting others without her - pin her down there and then.
I have up on one best friend til she moved away got married had kids. I would go visit her often. Then I had kids several years later and her kids were in school (and her very capable mother lived with her and who DID take care of the kids on occasion) suddenly it was far too much of an effort for her to come to me but I could still take baby and toddler to her! I did this a few times. But she’d often cancel last minute. So I stopped bothering. We have reconnected years later (her DH got in touch first). But she’s not the friend she once was.

But what happens on a school day? Are her children in school/nursery? You say she only works one day a week and you have two days don't, so apart from taking your 6 months along then could you suggest one of those days?

I think it's hard to make arrangements on a weekend to meet up child free. You say she has a partner but maybe he also does stuff on weekends. Likewise maybe grandparents will babysit, but only occasionally so she saves those for bigger outings

These are the days I generally pick and she claims to be over run with house work or busy. It’s rare I pick a weekend to meet up as we both have husbands who don’t work weekends. She often just avoids the message.

she lives with her husbands parents and they look after the children on a very regular basis. She goes out with her husband at least twice a week (which I think is quite a luxury!) and has monthly weekends away. Just not with me (or any other friend to be honest!)

Monthly weekends away - wtaf?!