Crush at work, how do I get over it?

[Krushe]

Regular poster, NC'd.

I am very happily married to a wonderful man, with two young DCs. Together for 13 years, married for 9. At work, around six months ago, I started working with a new colleague. Neither of us are new but, due to the nature of tasks, hadn't met before but almost overnight, we began working closely together. This is not something I have control over.

He is far more senior than I am, about 25 years older than I am. I think he's married, he definitely has children, I've also heard in passing that he's gay - so, absolutely nothing is happening. He's a really nice person. He's also incredibly good looking, very smart, exceptionally successful, witty, interesting and kind. I've developed what feels like a schoolgirl crush on him.

I've never had this with anyone since I've been with DH. I can obviously tell when people are attractive - like Ryan Gosling or Henry Cavill - but I've never thought much of it. I've certainly never thought I actually want to have sex with Ryan Gosling or Henry Cavill. I'm in entirely uncharted territory here. Ironically, the person I usually would talk to about things is DH, but I don't feel like I can.

It's been about 4 months now that I've felt like this with no end in sight. I get butterflies when I know we're having a one-on-one meeting, I get flustered and fumble my words, I forget things... and, despite that, he seems to think the sun shines out of my arse and gives me stellar feedback. We don't have personal discussions - we have basic small talk, we discuss work, I don't have his personal phone number or have him on social media, we have never spoken or met up outside the office, we don't have lunch together... But, for some reason, when he emails me and says "thanks so much, this was brilliant work", I get a bit giddy.

It's not an option career-wise for me to quit my job or to stop working with him. I need strategies to just get over this bizarre crush. Has anyone experienced this? I feel like I'm losing my mind! How do I get over this?!

So he's 25 years older than you and likes men.
I'm assuming from your post you're a heterosexual female?
Is it something about his personality that reminds you of someone you were once close to? Does he remind you of your dad/granddad in a good, positive way? Or do you just want to shag him?

I would personally move this crush on to a friendship, with easy going chitchat between you. get to know him better, remove the mystery from this man. He'd probably end up being a great friend, if he's a nice as you say,

I have had a mild crush recently on a male colleague. I've managed to nip it in the bud by laughing at myself and how daft it is. I confided in a female colleague (who is also a friend) and she laughed at me too, and that's helped!

Yours sounds a bit more long term than mine, so it might be worth following @333FionaG 's advice and getting curious about exactly what it is you find so appealing about him

I don't know for sure if he's gay or not. There are three men in the team with his first name - let's call him Jack A (the crush), Jack B and Jack C. Jack B is definitely gay. I was in a conversation (when I'd only just met Jack A) with a few other colleagues. The conversation was largely "Jack's husband works at XXXX" and another colleague said "Oh, I thought Jack (B) was single?" and they replied "Jack B is single, other Jack is married". I don't know if "other Jack" is Jack A (that I have a crush on) or Jack C (who is another guy in the team).

He's about 25 years older than I am. I'm 30, he's mid-50s - he doesn't look it though and I was surprised to find out. I only know because he mentioned something about his age and the millenium!

He doesn't really remind of anyone - definitely doesn't remind me of my dad! It's a very sexual crush. Even if we were both single, I wouldn't want a relationship with him. I just really, really fancy him.

Thanks - I definitely couldn't mention it to a colleague. It's the kind of thing that would risk blowing up into something is definitely isn't! I don't feel like laughing - I feel so stupid and angry with myself.

I knew you’d be thirty. I’ve known so many people experience this at thirty!

I'd say it will probably burn out but I've had a 'work crush' on a woman in my place for ages and it's still going strong. It's pretty normal and should be harmless but you seem worried. Do you think it's affecting your work?

I'm sorry that yours is going strong!

I'm worried because it's not happened before. It seems to effect everything except work if I'm honest. I spend my commute sat on the train thinking about him... I spend too much of my day fantasising about him. I'm checking my work emails at all hours just in case he's emailed... It's like a teenage crush.

This is a relief that it's normal! What causes it?!

@Krushe How do I get over this?!

One way, maybe - Do you love your young children? Think of their lives and how they would be devastated for the family to break because mummy preferred the cheap thrill of a dalliance with another man who was not their daddy, rather than thinking of the impact it would have.

Yeah... that didn't help

Obviously I love my children🙄

Oh well, encouraging you to think of the devastation you would cause to your children did not help. Thank you for your feedback. I can’t think of another better reason for you to come to your senses, but maybe you are really wanting to be stroked and told it’s ok? 🤷‍♂️

I have no idea what you want or why you're commenting. I'm not sure why you're acting like I'm the villain of the century for having thoughts inside my head.

Just enjoy it for what it is!
Nothing will ever come of it so just try and enjoy it as though it's a band you love or an actor you like..
It will eventually burn out a bit as you get used to him. You don't need to take it so seriously.
It's natural to feel connections to people and attraction to people.. you are a human being.
You love your husband. He's gay and 25 years older than you. Absolutely nothing is going to happen so just relax and enjoy your new crush. Let it go it's course. It doesn't really matter. It can be joyful to know you can still feel crushes.

It will pass … I’ve had this, then I saw him with a massive cold sore, put me right off.

It’s not the end of the world, I’ve been married 21 years, no plans to leave me husband.. but I didn’t have my eyes & hormones removed when I got married. We will come across these people, as long as you don’t act on it, it wears off.

Thank you @Athreedoorwardrobe and @ExtraOnions, that’s reassuring.

How would I go about enjoying it? I find myself drifting into these fantasies - weird specific fantasies that I’ve not really had before - and then I realise and start to panic. It’s awful.

Well you need to get over the crush because you are married with kids. They way to get over the need to cheat on your husband is work out things with him with hugs and kisses and address things with him. You have concerns.

Think of the ending of Fleabag - one of the best lines in history of TV.

”I love you.”

“It will pass.”

It will. In the meantime, remind yourself it will, call it limerence to deny it power, and focus on not fucking up your life or job by saying / doing anything stupid. Don’t tell anyone (other than, you know, the whole MN…)

Thanks. I definitely wouldn’t tell anyone. I weirdly just want to tell DH - I tell him everything. He’s a right gossip too so would love it if it were anyone other than me with the “limerence”.