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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My child is being bullied by another child but is lashing out in response

18 replies

ratatouille99 · 28/08/2025 09:23

My child is 8. He is part of a club that he does once or twice a week. He loves it and is really happy there, has lots of friends etc. There is another 8 year old child there that a lot of people have an issue with as he is incredibly mean to other children. He has his own friends, but for some reason has singled my child out as the one he can be really mean to. My son is diagnosed with autism but is high functioning and generally gets along with everyone. He is also incredibly sensitive to rejection so there is some of that at play too. The other child is constantly telling my son he is stupid, rubbish at the club activity, has pushed him physically. I just don't know what to do anymore. It is such a niche club and he absolutely adores it, I don't think he would forgive me if we stopped going. The other parents are not open to discussion. The club leader is unlikely to do anything as hasn't witnessed any of this as it is all done so on the sly. I talked to her about it and she just said she would keep an eye out. I tell him to just walk away when this child starts being mean but he won't, he will lash out (verbally) and tell him he's an idiot for calling him names. I don't know how to repair it or if I even can. Other parents have talked about this child and how difficult he is, and it just feels really uncomfortable. Like everyone knows there's an issue but nobody will do anything about it. Just so fed up and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Millionsofmonkeys · 28/08/2025 09:36

The trick is to appear unbothered. Research shows that bullies throw out lines to lots of people and then they continue winding up those people who show that they are bothered by the nasty lines. That could be getting upset, getting angry or whatever.

Could you practice some "put downs" with DS? For example bully says "You are so rubbish at this" , DS replies "I can practice and get better, but you will always just be nasty" or "Yeah, duh, that's why I keep coming every week, to get better, you pinhead" or similar? Give a response that shows he isn't upset? (Even if he is). Bullies tend to stop if their nasty comments aren't giving them power over the victim. He needs to find a way to take back the power.

ratatouille99 · 28/08/2025 09:38

Millionsofmonkeys · 28/08/2025 09:36

The trick is to appear unbothered. Research shows that bullies throw out lines to lots of people and then they continue winding up those people who show that they are bothered by the nasty lines. That could be getting upset, getting angry or whatever.

Could you practice some "put downs" with DS? For example bully says "You are so rubbish at this" , DS replies "I can practice and get better, but you will always just be nasty" or "Yeah, duh, that's why I keep coming every week, to get better, you pinhead" or similar? Give a response that shows he isn't upset? (Even if he is). Bullies tend to stop if their nasty comments aren't giving them power over the victim. He needs to find a way to take back the power.

I have gone over this with him time and time again but he just refuses to accept that this is what he needs to do. He gets so upset in the moment and thinks this other child hates him. He doesn't understand why.

OP posts:
ratatouille99 · 28/08/2025 09:57

Has anyone else been through similar and their child been able to carry on with their hobby?

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Ablondiebutagoody · 28/08/2025 10:00

I always taught my son to laugh at the verbals ("who cares what you think? Idiot") but to reply in kind to anything physical.

Eskarina1 · 28/08/2025 10:05

Can you be firmer with the club leader - "what are you doing to safeguard my child?" "I am concerned that my child is being targeted because of his disability and that nothing is being done."

I'd probably also seek specialist advice on what happens if your son reacts to the bullying.

ratatouille99 · 28/08/2025 10:06

Ablondiebutagoody · 28/08/2025 10:00

I always taught my son to laugh at the verbals ("who cares what you think? Idiot") but to reply in kind to anything physical.

I am going to talk to him about this again. I'm so anxious and a people pleaser which I'm working on, I just hate the idea of it causing such a big rift in such a small group of people.

OP posts:
ratatouille99 · 28/08/2025 10:07

Eskarina1 · 28/08/2025 10:05

Can you be firmer with the club leader - "what are you doing to safeguard my child?" "I am concerned that my child is being targeted because of his disability and that nothing is being done."

I'd probably also seek specialist advice on what happens if your son reacts to the bullying.

Thank you. I'm not sure the group leader will do anything. I've spoken to her before. Everyone else in the group is very much a 'just get on with it' kind of person but I seem so be a lot softer. I could have got this wrong. I worry far too much about what people think that it becomes a bit disabling (I have ADHD which doesn't help with the worry!)

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ratatouille99 · 28/08/2025 10:08

Also I don't think he's being targeted because of his autism. The other child doesn't know he is autistic and seems just to not like him. He does it with a lot of kids but worst with mine (likely because he's the only one in the same ISH age group!).

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minipie · 28/08/2025 10:12

Given his age and ND - I would tell your son to report it to the club leader. Report word for word what the other child said. In fact he can report it when the kid is mean to others too. Open her eyes to the nastiness. She may find it a bit annoying but she needs an accurate picture otherwise the ones who lash back (not just your son I bet) will be the ones getting in trouble.

Geneticsbunny · 28/08/2025 10:17

But he is being targeted because of his asd. He is lashing out in response to being wound up and this is why the bully is picking on him. His asd makes it virtually impossible for him to control his very powerful emotions at only 8.

ratatouille99 · 28/08/2025 10:47

Geneticsbunny · 28/08/2025 10:17

But he is being targeted because of his asd. He is lashing out in response to being wound up and this is why the bully is picking on him. His asd makes it virtually impossible for him to control his very powerful emotions at only 8.

Thanks. I'm just so fed up and think everyone else sees it as kids being kids.

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ratatouille99 · 28/08/2025 10:47

minipie · 28/08/2025 10:12

Given his age and ND - I would tell your son to report it to the club leader. Report word for word what the other child said. In fact he can report it when the kid is mean to others too. Open her eyes to the nastiness. She may find it a bit annoying but she needs an accurate picture otherwise the ones who lash back (not just your son I bet) will be the ones getting in trouble.

He just won't do it. I've told him he should tell her but he just point blank refused.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 28/08/2025 10:54

ratatouille99 · 28/08/2025 10:06

I am going to talk to him about this again. I'm so anxious and a people pleaser which I'm working on, I just hate the idea of it causing such a big rift in such a small group of people.

Your son isn't causing a rift

Geneticsbunny · 28/08/2025 11:47

He is 8. You need to report it for him.

Eskarina1 · 28/08/2025 12:02

I totally get it. It's really hard.

"What are you doing to safeguard my child " was a form of words I used when my 4 year old was being repeatedly hurt by another child in reception. They were neither of them neurotypical and were both struggling with the move to primary school. He'd tried to be friendly because they were at nursery together, she was so overwhelmed. Every time she saw him she'd physically attack him. I found out when she came pelting across the playground to do it while I was stood with him. I was told she had special needs and couldn't help it. I went home steaming, was told to raise it from a safeguarding perspective and they were kept apart from then on.

Perhaps a better point to make with his asd is that it makes him more vulnerable/less able to manage or seek support when he's bullied. Be specific that he won't ask for help and that them not seeing it doesn't remove their responsibility to keep them safe.

HerecomesMargo · 28/08/2025 12:41

I would actually go and tell this child of myself. Or get my dh to pick up my child and go have a word with him. I truly hate bully children

nomas · 28/08/2025 12:41

I talked to her about it and she just said she would keep an eye out. I tell him to just walk away when this child starts being mean but he won't, he will lash out (verbally) and tell him he's an idiot for calling him names. I don't know how to repair it or if I even can.

It sounds like your son is dealing with it in his own way and answering back. He is right, the boy is an idiot. Why do you say he is lashing out?

DPotter · 28/08/2025 12:51

Any group run for children has certain things they have to do and have in place and one of those is a safeguarding policy and procedure. The club / group leader may be ineffective but those things should be in place. So I would strongly suggest you go back to her and ask the question - how are you safeguarding my child ? Push for a response

And sadly yes - if the group can't safeguard, if your son is unable to take your advice, then yes you may have to stop him going. Have you explained this to him. It's awful I know that the victim has to suffer, but sometimes that's the choice you have to make - does someone suffer the bullying or do you walk away and miss the activity

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