Do yo make your teenagers study of leave them to it?!

[Purpleturtle45]

Looking for some opinions. My 14 year old old is very intelligent and has an amazing memory. As a result he scores extremely well in all his assessments at school (usually 95-100%) with no extra study.

He rarely brings home any homework as he seems to get allowed to do it in class when he is finished his classwork.

He seems to put in minimal effort and always manages to do well, I don't think he is being challenged enough but that's a different issue.

He is lazy in general and I am starting to become concerned he isn't getting used to putting in much effort and how this will bode for his future. When I try and get him to study his argument is that he doesn't need to and in the future when he does need to, he will. But he isn't learning any discipline or good study habits which I think are important.

I always studied extremely hard (probably OTT) and, although am I not naturally intellectual, did very well in exams. My husband is the same as my son and never studied, did well but could have really aced everything if he had put in more effort.

YABU-don't enforce study and let him make up his own mind

YANBU-try and get him until good study habits now

You cannot make your teenager study.

I would calmly explain your rationale to him and maybe encourage him to set some ambitious targets that he wants to achieve. Otherwise leave him to it.

You just can’t. I suppose you could try to make him sit at a desk but you can’t make him work.

We promised and delivered a certain amount of money per gcse grade and we also made it very clear what a difference having qualifications can make to your life.

Make them study. Get them used to proof reading their work...

Both.

Create an environment that promotes and models study as much as you can. Reward effort and thought, whether it’s on study or not. Then leave them to it.

Tbh also do praise the positive. Acknowledge that he’s doing very well, demonstrate satisfaction in his good results. Don’t devalue that for him. He must at least be turning up, using good exam techniques etc - an awful lot of kids don’t.

If he's getting great marks, why on earth would you want him to study more? He's clearly being efficient and getting work done at school. Don't punish efficiency, reward it!

My teen has a terrible memory and is very dyslexic, but also is really intelligent. She knows to get good exam results she has to study hard, and so she does - and it pays off. She's very ambitious and motivated. I don't have to prompt her, in fact I'm often asking if she needs a break or trying to entice her to get out and do something else for a couple of hours. I'm worried she'll burnout.

My point being, that they do what they need to to get by in the system they find themselves in, and sometimes there is not a lot we can do. My DD might end up needing some time out to cope with burnout and your son might need to resit some uni exams when he realises he needs to put in more effort.

There are pros and cons to both approaches, and hopefully they will learn to moderate themselves as they mature and it will all work out for them.

I loathe this idea of "good study habits". Studying at 14 is very different from studying at 17.

My 14 yr old was doing very well, high marks in everything and sounded the same. However, it turned out in multiple subjects aspirations were just rubbish. If they were getting a 5/6 they topped out tests, homework etc. Now looking at yr 11 I see he’s no chance of filling the gaps to get the highest grades he could have got. He’ll do ok, but he could have shone. I’m glad I’ve been able to catch this and support him and talk to staff, or he’d be aiming lower. If I wasn’t involved it would have been missed still. I had to ask for a test paper to see it was clearly only foundation questions. Not presume the schools is always enough is what I’d say!

We help out when they need it but generational thing of each parent nagging their children i dont see how it would make the information stick in, it might make parents tick a box they have done something

So we help within what they are capable of themselves not what we think they should do

I think you provide, if you can, optimum conditions for study, offer help and support, but back off if it’s rejected, remain interested and available, encourage, talk through options etc, but ultimately, they’re the ones who have to do it. Or not

I attempted to get my teenagers to study. But they did a lot less of it than they should have. The truth is, you can advise and they will do it or not do it! And in my experience hate being nagged.

You can encourage, but you can't "make" anyone learn if they don't want to.

Agree with a pp above, check with school, in the new term, find out for yourself.

But pushing a child to study when they are doing well could be counter-productive.

And just because your DH could have aced his results if he had tried harder, would it have made much difference? Is he happy with the life he has?

Speaking as a mum of a child who fell out of mainstream education at 13, he hated studying, couldn't handle the feelings of uselessness he felt because he struggled and all the stress and other issues that brought with it (self harm etc), just love your son and let him be.