Distant family?

[SunnyGreenPombear]

Recently I have been feeling as though there is friction between my partner's family and ours. We've been together around 10 years now and things have always seemed amicable between us, we would go round there for dinner and go out for dinner together etc...
We had a child together a few years ago and things just seem to be hostile between us and I can't for the life of me figure out why.
Unfortunately I have heard them say some rather unkind things about me, from them, stating that I am a drama queen - I have health anxiety, and was having a very difficult time post birth. I very much kept myself to myself in that time and I didn't attend some occasions because of it, I apologised each time and was very open with what was happening etc. They also mentioned a dislike of our child's name choice, which is fine but also I feel no matter the name, the child is most important thing.
I think there are definitely differences between us but I would think that they could be pushed aside for our child's sake as they are part of their family too.
They also have other GC who they are quite involved with however not so much ours... Anyway what I am asking is... It was our childs birthday recently and we did not hear a word from them. We have been round there in the past couple of months and it was absolutely fine and pleasant (so I thought). We don't see them too often mainly to do with work and school schedules etc, it's just life.
I am surprised not to just have had a message to say happy birthday? Does this mean they have just completely cut us off? More than whatever else has gone on, I'm so upset for our child because it's not their fault and I know they would love a relationship with them, in fact on the day of their birthday they said what they wanted to do was to visit them! Is this a me problem or should I just cut it where it is? It's a tough one as it isn't my family, it's my partners. I have tried to encourage him to make contact or to visit etc but he hasn't which I find difficult because I think I am being made to feel like the problem when in fact I have put a lot aside to remain civil and maintain a relationship with our child and their grandparents. I'm not sure what to do in this scenario. Any thoughts?

If I've read it correctly, you are saying that your dc hasn't yet received anything from his / her Grandparents for their birthday ?

That does seem odd, although perfectly feasible they will give them something when they see them ?

Why haven't you invited them round to celebrate your dc's birthday in some way ? That is when my dcs' GPs would hand over cards and presents, when they were small.

I have to say maybe before the birthday you could have said "it's x birthday next Wednesday, would you like to come over for tea and the cake?"...they may have forgotten the day...this is a reminder and an invite so they feel welcome in one go.

I would just match their effort. As I’ve got older I don’t chase people and I don’t allow people to play silly mind games with me. They don’t sound like they are particularly pleasant if they are saying unkind things about you.
How old is your child?

Is it possible they forgot? I adore my nieces and nephews but massively struggle to keep track of all the dates.

I'm not sure about this.
Half of me thinks, yes, of course, make it easy for them and provide all the scaffolding so your child has these GPs in her life.
The other half thinks, they're DP's parents, he's perfectly capable of doing the legwork here, and if he doesn't invite his parents around to celebrate his child's birthday then that's on him. OP is not his PA.
It sounds hard, @SunnyGreenPombear . It sounds like your husband is happy to let the relationship become more distant, at least for now. I don't think you're doing anything wrong to follow his lead, leave it in his court. You've done your best, now invest your energy in your family.

Just reading your post again, I think it's a huge jump from their not messaging for your child's birthday to thinking they've cut you off. Particularly as you had a pleasant visit recently.

This.

@Kurkara sorry, I should have been clearer...when I said "you" I was referring to "you" as a family...I meant husband could have sent that message to his parents...I don't think it's down to op

@KiteFlight This is kind of where I am at. I am not asking for an abundance of gifts, a parade or anything for my child... Just a simple happy birthday message - particularly as they are normally very hot on special occasions and are very frequently on my SM so have seen that I have put on a post regarding their birthday. Our child is 4

@CarpetKnees it wasn't so much they haven't received anything it's more than they didn't even message/call they have other grandchildren and I am very certain I wouldn't not say anything to them they always make a huge fuss of birthdays. I'm just left baffled

Perhaps the other grandchildren’s parents make more effort to include them. Neither of my ex in laws would have invited themselves to our house and their grandad forgot 50% of all birthdays unless we prompted him by either inviting him to a birthday celebration or saying we were visiting the city he lived in as great grandparents couldn’t travel (not his parents, but we’d drop in to see him) I just got used lack of interest, their paternal grandmother did send cards but cheap inappropriate verse inside type ones from newsagent/off licence obviously bought when buying beer, which they did a lot!

So you haven't included them in any celebrations ?
Even tea and cake one day as suggested above?

There would be yet another thread on here if "in-laws" called round uninvited, or invited themselves.

(and, like @Toomanyclothesinthecloset here, by 'you' I mean you and your dp). I absolutely agree this shouldn't 'default' to any woman because they are a woman, but equally, statistically, there is a higher % of women who are either the SAHP or who work PT, and I know when I worked PT, it meant I did take on more of 'arranging stuff' as obviously I had more time. I don't know what your situation is.

Maybe they are sat at home wondering if they’ve upset YOU as you didn’t include them in your child’s birthday.

you mentioned your child wanted to see their grandparents and yet you didn’t do anything about it? I find that odd. If my kids say they want to see their grandparents I usually just get on the phone and say ‘DCs want to see you, can we come over/fancy coming over for a coffee?’

My in laws have form for forgetting birthdays. I remember reminding them that their first grandchild (my stepson) was about to turn 21 as they hadn’t sent him a card or gift in years I thought surely they might at 21?
So for my own children I started giving them a photo calendar with my kids birthdays in it. They never forgot their birthdays!
Sme GPs just aren’t into that and if your DH isn’t then really it’s not your job to chase. But if you are in charge of your family’s social calendar then as suggested I’d have asked them round for cake.

That’s horrible of them to forget. What does do say?

@CarpetKnees I work full time, I have a large family in my side who are all sperated, so 2 sets of parents - include 11 nephews and nieces, 2 siblings etc... I have kindly requested to my partner that he manages his side and I feel like he hasn't really upheld that and now it feels like there is animosity between ourselves and his family, it does feel like the pressure is put on me to keep their relationship together but truthfully I don't have the capacity to keep doing it particularly after they were so unkind towards me when dealing with PND after the birth of our child.

@HerecomesMargo I feel like they haven't forgotten, they are very on form with special occasion so I feel like they have chosen not to say it which to me is very peculiar.

You can't make people do the right thing, but you can react to it appropriately. I'd never bother to contact them again, if they turn up from time to time make them a cuppa, if they offer visits etc if it suits you you can see them, and that's that.

@thebabayaga I had a chat with my partner tonight as we've spoken about a few times about his side of the family and I asked how he felt about making contact and inviting them round
He explained he's always felt friction between his step family and his family and he's quite content not making contact, so I'm going to leave it as that with him as I don't want to push him into anything he doesn't want to do. I think it's hard when there is children involved but I think I can count on both hands the amount of times the kids have even gone there. I actually started listening to the "let them" theory today and it's come at a very good time! I'm not sure if you're familiar with it but it's definitely a fascinating theory that I'm going to be applying to this situation!

I haven't come across that term, but I had a quick look and yes it's pretty much how I live my life - you can't make people do anything, but you can change how you react to it with a bit of mental adjustment :) I am sorry you are having to deal with this, it's a shame, but this is a great way to look at it all. Good luck with it all.

@Autumn38 I did wonder the same thing, that's why I wrote the post really as I see it from my perspective of course but it's hard to step outside and see the bigger picture sometimes. I'm not meaning to sound bitter or hostile, it's taken a long time to get to this point but mostly I don't want to damage the relationship of my partner and his family.
Truthfully the request from our 4 year old to see them was very unexpected! It was his birthday morning and we said something like how would you like to spend your day today and he said see my new grandad which is what he calls him as he doesn't really know him at all well. He has 4 sets of grandparents and were visited by 3/4 sets on that day so he wasn't short of grandparent visits! I wonder if he associated "new grandad" with birthdays or special occasions as that's the only time we've ever really been there is for other family members birthdays... Truthfully it wouldn't come naturally for me to just call them up, I really feel as if I don't know them anymore everything just feels uncomfortable and awkward, zero clue as to why, I wanted to ask but my partner said just to leave it so I've respected that and not pursued it any further.

I think an easy win in the scenario you’ve outlined would have been to text said grandparents and say ‘DC has just said he’d love to see you today as it’s his birthday. We are in at x time if you fancy popping in for cake?’ Then you’ve reached out and it’s up to them how they respond. Then it’s low stakes for you but you can go to bed knowing you couldn’t have done more.