Page 2 | Going away without kids - the guilt has set in

OliveSwan · 2025-08-27T16:35:45+00:00

So my husband and I have never been away without the kids - so roughly around 13 years. We thought it would be nice to go back to Ibiza (where we met) to celebrate a milestone anniversary this October. We will be away for 3 nights and the kids (who are 8 and 12) will be in school for some of that time and being looked after by my parents. However, my 8 year old daughter is not happy about it. She is very attached to me and every time it’s mentioned she sobs uncontrollably, it’s absolutely breaking my heart. My OH is insistent we still go but I’m on the verge of cancelling as it tears me up to think of her being so upset. Is it selfish to go and leave her or not? I just don’t know what to do…

Lollipop81 · 28/08/2025 18:45

Plan something special for you and her when you get back. Something she can look forward to whilst you are away and hopefully distract her with before you go.
totally understand how you feel as I hate spending just one night away from my children (6 and 7), but it will be over in a flash and she will have forgotten about it in no time.

Angelil · 28/08/2025 19:49

YANBU to go. I have left my two for a few nights since they were quite little (they are now 2.5 and nearly 7) and so we are all used to this happening. My husband has also travelled abroad for work since they were tiny. Think the first time he went after kids were born was when my eldest was only a month old!! Funny how nobody questions it when the man does it...

CopperWhite · 28/08/2025 19:56

If anything it sounds like your daughter will benefit from the experience of being separated from you and seeing that the time passes, you came back and everything was fine. She needs to learn she can cope.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Kids stay with grandparents all the time and are safe, well loved and usually they are creating memories that they will treasure in adulthood.

RigIt · 28/08/2025 19:57

I think your voting options are confusing and so may not be accurate.. I voted YABU as in you are being unreasonable to think it’s selfish to go away for a few nights and leave your 8 year old!!! And to think you should let your 8 year old dictate your plans. You should have left them before now and she’d be used to it and this wouldn’t be happening. Anyway you can resolve it now by reassuring her that she’ll have a lovely time with her GPs and it’s only a few nights. I would recommend not contacting her while you are away, or only doing so a limited amount of times. She could be fine and the contact could actually set her off and upset her more - that’s why schools generally don’t allow contact or have limited contact when they take pupils on school trips.

Going forward you need to make sure to schedule nights away from each other regularly and try to discourage the clinginess by encouraging bonds with other people. It’s not healthy.

Petrolitis · 28/08/2025 20:00

Definitely go. It will do your daughter good to cope without you and it's a very very short period of time.

BIossomtoes · 28/08/2025 20:00

Just go and have a lovely time. Every couple needs time alone together to nourish their relationship.

Ohnobackagain · 28/08/2025 20:16

jonthebatiste · 27/08/2025 18:31

You’ll be doing your 8yo more harm by giving into her tears and teaching her that she can dictate what her parents do as a couple separate from her. A certain degree of separation anxiety is acceptable and should be sympathized with. But it’s your job to teach her resilience - and honestly, it won’t take much. She will be with her grandparents and sister, and also at school. It really couldn’t be better organized. Don’t give in and cancel, it’s entirely the wrong thing for her.

This @OliveSwan

RubySquid · 28/08/2025 20:20

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 27/08/2025 18:57

At their age this is absolutely nothing. Two weeks I would understand but three days?! Do not feel guilty, not for one second.

I wouldn't feel guilty over 2 weeks either if uli knew my kids were being looked after by caring grandparents.

Too many parents forget they are a couple first and foremost ( else the kids wouldn't even exist) and it's normal to spend time with each other

Surely happy connected parents are better for kids than them splitting up as they lost their " togetherness" while dealing with kids and not having time for partner

828Pax · 28/08/2025 20:30

We did this for our milestone anniversary, I was heaving in the airport toilets, I was that nervous about leaving the kids. HOWEVER! once I was there, I had a whale of a time, the kids were absolutely fine and I am glad I went x

RoseAlone · 28/08/2025 20:34

Or course you shouldn't go and I can't for the life of me understanding why you'd want to! Let him take a friend if he must go, your loyalty is to your children.

Youneverknowwhatyourgonnaget · 28/08/2025 20:38

I honestly think a few nights away as husband and wife if vital for a healthy marriage. Me and my hubs are very happy but it’s different when you’re home and with the kids. when you can go away it’s just about the 2 of you. Even being at the airport is amazing child free. Go have loads of fun and your kids will be absolutely fine and actually I think it will do your youngest some good to be away from you. 3 night will fly so enjoy every minute

RubySquid · 28/08/2025 20:47

RoseAlone · 28/08/2025 20:34

Or course you shouldn't go and I can't for the life of me understanding why you'd want to! Let him take a friend if he must go, your loyalty is to your children.

I assume you are trying to wind people up with that sanctimonious rot

Blueberry911 · 28/08/2025 21:09

You need to start leaving her if she gets this devastated at the thought of 3 nights away from you at age 8. Does she have additional needs?

ItsHellOrHighwater · 28/08/2025 21:11

If my child was that upset, I’d talk to them to see what their worries were and hopefully reassure them. If they remained that upset though, personally I wouldn’t go. I don’t see it as a child dictating. If they’re genuinely upset, it’s just meeting that individual child’s needs and some children take longer than others to feel comfortable being away from parents for longer periods.

My friends daughter was like this, a very anxious little girl, very attached to her mum. Things did improve and she could be left as she got older, but at 8, she’d have been really upset. My friend is glad she didn’t leave her when she wasn’t ready, although at the time it was difficult. My friends daughter did lots to reassure her daughter, her daughter had some help with her anxiety and they built up slowly.

Some children would be upset at the thought of of it but they would snap out of it quickly and would have a nice time with grandparents, others would be upset the whole time and it would affect them more. You know your child best and how they would be though.

RubySquid · 28/08/2025 21:21

ItsHellOrHighwater · 28/08/2025 21:11

If my child was that upset, I’d talk to them to see what their worries were and hopefully reassure them. If they remained that upset though, personally I wouldn’t go. I don’t see it as a child dictating. If they’re genuinely upset, it’s just meeting that individual child’s needs and some children take longer than others to feel comfortable being away from parents for longer periods.

My friends daughter was like this, a very anxious little girl, very attached to her mum. Things did improve and she could be left as she got older, but at 8, she’d have been really upset. My friend is glad she didn’t leave her when she wasn’t ready, although at the time it was difficult. My friends daughter did lots to reassure her daughter, her daughter had some help with her anxiety and they built up slowly.

Some children would be upset at the thought of of it but they would snap out of it quickly and would have a nice time with grandparents, others would be upset the whole time and it would affect them more. You know your child best and how they would be though.

But at 8 the child would be at school every day away from her mother.

ItsHellOrHighwater · 28/08/2025 21:28

RubySquid · 28/08/2025 21:21

But at 8 the child would be at school every day away from her mother.

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That’s different to being away from them for longer periods. Not having mum (or dad) there after school/after they’ve finished work, bedtime, first thing when they wake up. Those times can be quite hard for any child, more so for some.

RubySquid · 28/08/2025 21:36

ItsHellOrHighwater · 28/08/2025 21:28

That’s different to being away from them for longer periods. Not having mum (or dad) there after school/after they’ve finished work, bedtime, first thing when they wake up. Those times can be quite hard for any child, more so for some.

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Perhaps if "mum" wasn't so available all the time then child would've adapted by the time they were 8. They'd be used to it.

I often worked shifts than involved me not being there first thing in morning ( they stayed at nans previous night if that happened) , was only there after school half the time and not always at bedtime.,

Strangely enough the kids were always very adaptable and independent.

Dd has been spending nights away from her DS since he was a year old. He's 8 now and often asks to stay at nanny's or aunties house. It's not a rare and unusual thing for him to do.

ItsHellOrHighwater · 28/08/2025 21:47

RubySquid · 28/08/2025 21:36

Perhaps if "mum" wasn't so available all the time then child would've adapted by the time they were 8. They'd be used to it.

I often worked shifts than involved me not being there first thing in morning ( they stayed at nans previous night if that happened) , was only there after school half the time and not always at bedtime.,

Strangely enough the kids were always very adaptable and independent.

Dd has been spending nights away from her DS since he was a year old. He's 8 now and often asks to stay at nanny's or aunties house. It's not a rare and unusual thing for him to do.

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Perhaps, or perhaps OPs child will just take a bit longer to be comfortable being away from her, is just a bit of a worrier, maybe she has genuine anxiety, has undiagnosed ND etc. OP knows her child best. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to do things, you just have to parent the child you have.

Soontobesingles · 28/08/2025 21:57

jonthebatiste · 27/08/2025 18:31

You’ll be doing your 8yo more harm by giving into her tears and teaching her that she can dictate what her parents do as a couple separate from her. A certain degree of separation anxiety is acceptable and should be sympathized with. But it’s your job to teach her resilience - and honestly, it won’t take much. She will be with her grandparents and sister, and also at school. It really couldn’t be better organized. Don’t give in and cancel, it’s entirely the wrong thing for her.

I agree with this. An 8 year old cannot be allowed to call the shots. Of course she is hysterical if it gets her her own way. This can be managed gently, but you do have to go.

Bufftailed · 28/08/2025 22:01

Don’t cancel. It’s important you time. I bet they’ll enjoy it. Everyone should be able to manage a few nights. I would play it down. Do a video call each day. Exciting things to do with GPs

HoHoHo2023 · 28/08/2025 22:07

I have literally just done it this weekend. First time in 10 years. 2 nights. Son is 10. We loved the freedom and reconnecting. We ended it. My son .. was mixed.. he had a great time with grandparents, did cry night 1 when when we video called.. we maybe shouldn’t have done but night 2 he was fine. Yes he missed us but it was much better than he feared and we will be doing it again. It’s good for him and us. The mistake was leaving it so long.

beasmithwentworth · 28/08/2025 22:36

Absolutely go! Apart from it being really important for you and your DH to have time away together as a couple - you are more than just mum and dad. It’s been a long time since you could both just be you two and it’s so important… I digress …

look at this and reframe it. It’s time that your DD started getting used to this. It’s quite an age for her not to have been without you by now. Look at this as the start of a new chapter - this is the first time of what might become a more regular thing. This is normal life. There might be a few tears but she’ll have a great time once you are gone. Her GPS will make it so and it’s a great opportunity for their relationship. I say this as a parent to an autistic daughter who had anxiety at that age. I still did it. It was and she was always totally fine after the build up and goodbye.. This is part of a life lesson for her.

I also agree that if you change your plans this time then where does that leave you next time? And it might be something that you absolutely have to do. At least you will have always done it once. She’s at the age where this is necessary.

Have a lovely time. Absolutely do not cancel. Promise treats and have a lovely plan in place for when you get back.

cestlavielife · 28/08/2025 22:38

It is 3 nights
She will be fine
Promise her a gift from the airport

Notmyrealname22 · 28/08/2025 22:59

It’s 3 nights. You are leaving them with your parents who I assume you trust to do a good job of looking after them. They will be fine. Tell your DD that it’s happening and you’re not going to change your plans.

My DH and I were given a free trip to the other side of the world by his work when my kids were 4 & 6. We left them with my mum for about 10 days. They were absolutely fine and don’t appear to have been permanently damaged by it. Just go and enjoy yourselves. Your relationship with your DH is important too.

GiveDogBone · 29/08/2025 06:37

Your attitude explains your daughter’s attitude.

I’m afraid you are failing to teach your children the importance of independence. You’ve created a rod for your own back by making your child totally dependent on your presence, which is both unhealthy and poor parenting.

Your husband is completely correct and you need to start changing your behaviours.